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Dear Dish-It: I'm Crushing On My Teacher

Dear Dish-It,

I have a mega-crush on my history teacher. I'm 14 and he's 26. I know nothing can happen between us. I think he kinda likes me – as a student, of course. I work hard in his lessons and do my best at the homework. I really, really like him, but I bet he won't ever find me even the slightest bit attractive. I wear a headscarf, you see, and girls like me… well, we're not really thought to be that… attractive. I can't ever admit I like him, because I'm afraid my friends will turn on me and it will change what my classmates think of me. Still, I always try to think of some sort of excuse to talk to him, but I don't overdo it. He’s taking my geography class on a four-day trip next year; I'm desperate to go but my parents won’t let me, no matter how much I ask them. I'm really confused, and don't know what to do! I go to a girls' school and I'm not allowed to talk to boys, so I can't "crush on boys my own age…" Any advice?

Nova


Dear Nova,


Sometimes I try to answer the questions I get from kids like you by going back to similar experiences I had when I was younger and trying to remember how I got through them. Unfortunately, sometimes there was no “answer,” and I got through those situations simply with the passing of time.


I remember having a HUGE crush on my camp counselor when I was about your age. It felt so great to be around him and to have him pay attention to me but, at the same time, it felt terrible because I knew the situation could never turn out the way I wanted it to in my daydreams. The age difference between us was just too big and it would have been extremely inappropriate for anything to happen considering the fact he was an adult in charge of kids, including me.


So I’m glad to see that in your letter you acknowledge the fact that nothing can ever transpire from this situation and your feelings for your teacher. And you know what? It has NOTHING to do with who you are or how you look or whether you wear a headscarf or not. TRUST ME. The ONLY reason nothing can happen is the fact that it would be extremely inappropriate for someone in a position of authority (like your teacher) to interact romantically with one of his students. It’s also inappropriate and ILLEGAL for someone over the age of 18 to have any sort of intimate contact or a romantic relationship with a girl who is under 18. He could get in BIG trouble for crossing this line.


The more you can come to terms with the fact that your relationship with your teacher must remain strictly professional – that is, a normal, appropriate student-teacher relationship – and nothing more, the more your feelings for him may fade. And, like I said of my own, similar experience with a camp counselor, time will pass and you will forget this feelings and move on to feel similarly about someone more appropriate who is closer to you in age. I promise.


It sounds like you’re worried that, because you don’t have anything else to distract you in terms of relationships and boys, you won’t be able to get your mind off your teacher. Well, there are several things you can do to help with that. I understand you go to an all-girls’ school, so there are no boys to interact with there. But is it possible to join an after-school and out-of-school group of some sort, something that interests you, where you could interact with some boys closer to your own age? Is there a sports team you can join? An art class? Photography lessons? A religious youth group of some sort?


You didn’t mention whether you and your family are very religious, and whether or not this is the reason you go to an all-girls’ school, wear a headscarf and are not allowed to go on overnight trips with your school. However, if this is the case, then I think what you need to do is continue to follow your religion and beliefs and respect your parents’ wishes. It sounds like you’re a good student and a very smart girl. If you continue doing your best in everything you do, including being a wonderful daughter, then I promise good things will come to you and life will bring you loads and loads of happiness and joy, including the joy of love when you are a bit older and more independent. For now, I’m afraid that going against your parents wishes will only cause you more pain and trouble. But with the passage of time comes change – all you need to do is continue doing your best, be patient and keep your hope and faith alive that someday all your dreams will come true.


Finally, I want you to stop being so hard on yourself. Having a crush on someone you admire, like your teacher, is a perfectly natural part of growing up – we ALL go through it. And wearing a headscarf doesn’t make you unattractive or un-anything for that matter. It’s a part of who you are and a part of your belief system (I think), and that makes it a perfectly acceptable and attractive part of who YOU are as a person. Just believe in yourself and you’ll see all the amazing things that unfold in your life.


If you've got a burning question, need some love advice or find yourself thinking about things like sex, depression, self-esteem, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bullying or peer pressure, don't hesitate to Dish-It here. Send your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com. And if you hang out in the chat rooms with other Kidzworld members who know you by your username, just send in your secret question using a different nickname if you want to stay anonymous – we promise that no one will ever know it's you. Remember: Dish-It gets a load of letters every day so it may take a while to reply to yours. Keep checking back for her reply, or watch for answered Dish-It questions that are similar to your own.


More Advice From Dish-It:

  • Skipping Gym Class
  • All About PE Teachers
  • Brush Up On Your Study Skills
  • Biology Faux Pas


  • 164 Comments

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    Dear Dish-It In The Forums

    KayKayZ
    KayKayZ posted in Friends:
    Hmm, okay, well I'll try to give you the best advice that I can, Error. So you say you don't like your friend for a number of reasons: Liar, bad influence, uses swear words, too blunt, etc. I feel like some of these could be over-looked, such as the swearing and the 'bad influence' part. Really, all you have to do is just not copy her actions, and they won't be influential at all. If you disagree, it shouldn't be hard to just refuse to follow in her steps. However, lying isn't the best quality I would look for in a friend.  She doesn't seem like an enjoyable person to be around in general, which is why you are making this post, obviously. But I'm gonna ask you something here. Don't you think that, in a way, you're lying too? You're pretending to be her friend solely for purposes of monetary value because, I assume, your family cannot pay for or get you to gymnastic class themselves. If this is true, that's kind of bad, isn't it? It sounds like, to me, that your friendship isn't exactly a healthy relationship at all. But I'm gonna sympathize with you, since I know gymnastics must be important to you, and you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't have a good reason. So, what should you do about it? Well, personally I think there are a few things you could do. You could stop being her friend, therefore no longer having to deal with her; but in the process lose access to your gymnastics class and have to look for it in another way. On the flip side, you could continue to put up with her, which would probably not be in your best interests, but you'd still get to attend your class. Or, you could try talking to her about it. Ask her what she really thinks of your friendship, if she actually values you as her friend. Maybe you two can talk about problems that you're having with each other and work on fixing them. This option could have negative effects, since she might want to stop being your friend or things could become very awkward after that. But it's probably your best bet to be honest with her, as you'd hope she would be with you. How about if you tried being really nice to her? Kindness is contagious, and perhaps if you treat her well enough, she'll start doing the same to you. I feel like maybe if you complimented her, told her things that you really like about her, maybe even got her gifts or made her food once in a while, that she would come to appreciate you and all that you do for her. And in turn, she might start to respect you more herself, and become a good friend. That's about all I can say. If you're close enough with her mom, maybe you could even try asking her about her daughter and see if she can give you any advice. Hopefully that helped in some way, but if it didn't, maybe it at least made you think? I hope your problem gets resolved, Error, and you can be content with the outcome of it. :-)
    reply 3 days
    Error101
    Error101 posted in Friends:
    Okay so I have this friend and I don't like the type of person she is and I wouldn't be friends with her but her mom takes me to gymnastics every week.  I  had her over to spend the night and she lied about everything to me.  She kept telling me that she used to think I was weird and she didn't like me and it kind of hurt my feelings...  I would never tell someone that even if it was true.  She cusses and is a bad influence and she lies a ton.  There are a ton of bad qualities about her, and very few good ones.  I can't be mean to her because she is how I get to gymnastics but I don't really want to be her friend.  What should I do?  :(
    reply 3 days
    Wonderfulcalico
    My parents have always been aggressive and abusive and I only just noticed it a couple months ago. Over time they've gotten worse (specifically my mother). Whenever she gets mad she'll yell at us and if she gets mad enough she'll hit and push us around. Whoever we get into arguments it's always one- sided and she always wins, even if she knows she is wrong. An argument we had not to long ago was about me not taking care of myself. She looked at my hair and started to touch it and told me "Your hair isn't soft why is it so dry, it's probably because you aren't taking care of your hair." Then she goes on to tell me that she's going to cut it and all of this other stuff when she knows I'm conscious about me looking like a boy ( Used to get called a boy for having short hair). As the argument goes on, I start to tell her things that she knows she is wrong about. She proceeds to yell at me then grabs me by the face and say "If you don't lower your tone and listen to what I'm saying I'm going to knock you in the head." Then she goes on to tell me she remembers nothing I was saying and that it's a lie. She also hit me when I didn't clean the laundry room correctly and whenever she gets fed up. I'm constantly having to watch what I say and do, because I'm scared that I'm going to end up hurt. She also likes to degrade me and tell how bad I'm doing. She's said plenty of thing like when I didn't have my bed covers tucked in she yelled at me and hit me and I said "Do you expect me to just stand here and take this", and she replied saying "That's what you are supposed to do you are the child and I am the adult, you take whatever I do until I'm done." Another time is when I had my band concert and I had to pick out the right attire. When we went shopping to get the clothing I chose slacks when she liked a skirt better, we went on to fight in the store and she bought the slacks. When we got home she said to me that real girls wear skirts and dresses and boys wear slacks and pants. This hurt me because she knows I have a past with people telling me I look like a boy etc. Another time I started to sleep on the floor, because I was practicing a minimalist life. When I left my pillows on the floor she found it and questioned me on why they were there. I told her it fell of my bed when really I left it there. Later when I told my dad, he told her and she got mad because I was getting cat hair on my pillows. She then proceeded to ask why I lied and I told her sometimes lying is better then the truth (I knew she would get mad that I was sleeping on the floor so I lied) then she told me that I was never going to have a relationship, a job, or friends ( This hurt me because I don't have friends now). She's also said that I don't take care of my body because I ate two sweets in one day which lead her to banning me from Doritos and now I have to ask to get chips and any other snack. She's told me I don't take care of my teeth because I have yellow spots from using whitening toothpaste with braces on. She's told me I don't take care of my hair so I can't wash it or do any hair style or then a bun. She had lead me to starving myself (Unless she makes me eat) and cutting myself. I've just stopped caring, because what ever I do is always wrong. I never get a choice in my activities, she controls my life in fact she me just in a different body. But what is even worse is that she's turning my dad into her. Now I have a scheduled time to eat breakfast and lunch, and to go onto my electronics. I feel like I'm in a prison with my parents constantly watching over me, in fact yesterday when I was pouring my milk my mom got out a measuring cup and poured my milk into the measuring cup and said "Why isn't this a full cup" and I replied saying "Because I don't measure my milk." Then she got angry at me. There's so much I could say about her, but I'll stop. Anyways my father is always sarcastic and he doesn't realize how much it hurts me. Today I was cleaning out my bag for next school year and my dad came in and said, "Wow, you aren't even dress yet and I had to come up here to tell you how sad." Just little things like that hurt me. My little sister got mad at me last week for sitting in a certain area and she said " Why are you sitting there," and I didn't reply because I didn't want to speak to her and she then said, "Probably because you are too stupid to answer." I wanted to break down crying then and there, but I kept it in. I've limited my talking to her, because all she does is break me down. Like when there was a Proactive commercial and she said, "Ha, you need that." That hurt me because just the other my mom was telling me how I don't take care of my face and that's why I have acne. My older sister and I barely talk, because whenever I try to talk to her she's mad for what ever reason and when my parents were talking about hitting my sister she was in the corner laughing. My cat Preston is very young and I got hi,abo a year ago. I get very sad and often cry, because I've seen him turn out scared and aggressive just like me because he's been through what I have. One time he pooped in a clothes basket (It's right next to his litter box) my mom grabbed him by the neck and hit him while she smothered his face in his poop, all while yelling at him. I was going to call the Animal Protective Services, but I got too scared and I realized how lonely I would be. Please help me I'm not sure what to do anymore. Also sorry for the very long post!
    reply 6 days
    Error101
    Error101 posted in Family Issues:
    Dear Kkmr324, I hope you get to feeling better as time goes on.  It does get better but like you said you can't actually get over it.  Losing someone to cancer is awful and I have never lost a friend and I hope I never will and I am so sorry that you did, but I have lost family to cancer and it is horrible.  I hope your okay. :(
    reply 8 days
    Kkrmr324
    Kkrmr324 posted in Family Issues:
    A few months ago,my friend Kendall died of cancer. It was really hard to "get over it"; because really you dont just get over it. One thing i did was find a bunch of pictures of me and Kendall and remembered all the fun we had together. And it helped! I still miss her, but good friends and family helped with that.
    reply 10 days