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Dear Dish-It: How Do I Ask?

Dear Dish-It,

I need help, obviously. My best (guy) friend said he'll probably invite me to his end-of-the-school-year party this June. I don't know when it is, but I've heard it's at his BFF's house -- a guy I don't like and my mom doesn't know (she'd never let me go to party if there are no parents there). How do I ask my friend if there will be adults there or not without sounding lame?

Soccerstarr22


Dear Soccerstarr22,


Great question! I bet a lot of kids your age would like to ask the same thing. I remember when I was younger my mom felt the exact same way that your mom does about parties I was invited to -- she'd only let me go if she knew that there would be adults around in case anything happened. At the time I thought that was really lame, but now that I think about it I know she was right to worry about something like that. If something bad did happen at one of those parties or if one of the kids who were there needed help, the rest of us wouldn't know what to do -- we were just too young. We'd need a responsible adult who knew what to do in case of an emergency.


Basically, this is a case of better safe than sorry.


Besides, I don't really see anything in your letter that indicates you are not OK with your mom's rules. It seems like asking her for her permission to go and making sure she is OK with the circumstances and the situation is important to you. I totally respect that and you are 100% right for being so responsible and respectful of your mom's wishes.


So in terms of how to find out whether or not there will be adults at your friend's BFF's end-of-the-school-year party, there are several things you can do. The first is to simply ask your friend to ask his friend what the deal is. I think you feel like asking straight out would be lame or would make your friend or his friend feel a certain way about you, but you may be surprised. It's a perfectly legitimate question and, depending on how you ask it, the guys may not even realize you're asking because you need to relay the information back to your mom.


Why not just ask, "Hey? Do you think there will be any parents or adults at the party?" If you ask casually, you don't even need to mention your mom. It could sound like a simple question out of the blue. If your friend replies with, "Why do you want to know?" you could choose to tell the truth ("My mom will only let me go if there are parents there"), leave out the part about your mom ("I'll only be able to go if there are parents there") or be a little more vague ("I don't know, I'm just asking").


If you really can't approach your friend with this question, why not try to find out through what we call "the grapevine?" That is, ask someone else you know is going to the party or keep your ears open to any conversation about the party among your friends that could reveal more info to you. However, if the only person who can tell you the truth or if the only person you are able to ask is your friend, then you're going to have to take a deep breath and just do it.


Whatever you do, don't betray and go against your mom's wishes. I know this from personal experience -- once your parents lose trust in you it's very hard to earn that trust back. If you lie to your mom and go to the party without telling her there won't be any adults there she won't believe you the next time you want to go to a party where parents will be present. It will become hard for her to believe anything you say if you lie to her about this.


If you've got a burning question, need some love advice or find yourself thinking about things like sex, depression, self-esteem, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bullying or peer pressure, don't hesitate to Dish-It here. Send your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com. And if you hang out in the chat rooms with other Kidzworld members who know you by your username, just send in your secret question using a different nickname if you want to stay anonymous – we promise that no one will ever know it's you. Remember: Dish-It gets a load of letters every day so it may take a while to reply to yours. Keep checking back for her reply, or watch for answered Dish-It questions that are similar to your own.


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    • They're always on my case cuz I'm always getting caught doing things I shouldn't.

    Dear Dish-It In The Forums

    GirLovesPiggy
    GirLovesPiggy posted in Style:
    This thread has been moved. Click here to see the new thread.
    reply 2 days
    drowning
    drowning posted in Family Issues:
    @rainbowpoptart  When I originally talked to my father, I was given the opportunity of good timing to bring it up. Luckily, there was no anger like I was partially expecting and I remained calm, which I definitely wasn't expecting. My fathers main concern was just worry and having seen other teens run away from something later getting themselves in trouble. He even brought up how he had run off at 18 and joined the Air Force, which I already knew. But, with this round, there is no perfect time to bring it up and he's always busy or we're having to do something so it's just very frustrating to find at least alright timing to bring it up, if that makes sense.
    reply 6 days
    rainbowpoptart
    My advice on this may not be the best because I haven't personally dealt with this yet, but... Parents, or guardians, get used to having their children around. You're [usually] with them for 18 years, which is a long time, so of course they - or in this case, your father - is going to feel like he's lost something very dear to him once you move out. To me it seems like he does truly understand that you're growing up. He just doesn't want it to happen. He knows that you're leaving soon - he just doesn't want it to be soon. Parents/guardians who are close to the children usually feel that way. If you're really so concerned, talk to him about it again, in a similar way you have done already. Or perhaps just a "Wow, my birthday is just around the corner". Once you do move out, visit him as frequently as you're able to and feel like. I'm sure he'll appreciate it, and it'll help you maintain a close relationship with him.
    reply 7 days
    drowning
    drowning posted in Family Issues:
    Usually I wouldn't come here for advice, but I am really needing it. To sum it up, my birthday is in 21 days. Not only will I be leaving KW, but home as well. My mother has made it to where I have had plans to leave since I was around 11 or 12; so about 7 to 8 years. I won't get into everything, but we'll just say that my mother and I do not have a good relationship at all. My father on the other hand, I am very attached too and always scared of upsetting him. Things are not always very good between us at times, but we rarely fight. When we do, it is always bad nor ends well. So, having plans to move out are very scary to me and causes me plenty of anxiety that fights are going to break out when I have my help to get my belongings out.   For the record, I have talked to my father about leaving, why I want too, etc. But, more in the sense of that I want too, not that I am. Which, in a way, my parents understand I'm moving out as well as already pretty much know where I'm going without my mention. But, I don't think they, my father especially, understands how soon that is despite my saying of I want too when I'm 18 or when I say, "Soon." It doesn't help that my father told another that his "little girl is growing up" on him and that he is scared of the day I go because he will be alone. Which makes me feel guilty despite the fact I won't even be that far away. How should I talk to him once more and go about this or even when? I really want him to understand that I have thought everything through and that I will be in safe hands.
    reply 7 days
    -Oracle-
    -Oracle- posted in Friends:
    Preferably non human.
    reply 7 days