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Dear Dish-it: Is My Boyfriend Too Controlling?

Jan 17, 2013

Dear Dish-it,

My boyfriend won't let me walk to lunch with my friends or dance with other guys at school dances, and I'm not even a flirt. Is this normal? Or is he too controlling?

Controlled

Dear Controlled,

I don't know the whole story, of course, but it sounds to me like your boyfriend is being a bit too controlling. There's a give and take when it comes to relationships. If he's not comfortable with you dancing with other guys at school dances  you should ask him why. Maybe he's insecure and worried that you might fall for a different guy. If you two haven't been together very long, maybe you should show him how much you care about him by respecting his wishes and only dancing with him. Over time, you'll build more trust, and maybe then you can revisit the issue.

Don't Alienate You Friends

As for walking with your friends to lunch, that's a different story. It's unreasonable of him to deny you that. You need to be able to spend time with your friends too. You can't have a healthy relationship if you're together 24/7 and wind up alienating your friendsWhy not try alternating days: one day you can walk with him, and the next day you can walk with your friends? Compromise is part of a good relationship, and he needs to understand that.

Be Your Own Person

Please don't let your boyfriend treat you like a parent  You say that "he won't let you" do things. Well, you're your own person. He doesn't get to make those decisions for you. If he has a concern, he should talk to you about it like an equal instead of trying to control you. If he continues to do this, maybe he's not the right guy for you. Not only that, but maybe he needs to take some time and reassess what it really means to be in a relationship.

Have Your Say

Do you have any advice for Controlled? Tell us in our comment section below!

 

158 Comments

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"Sabbie_luv" wrote:I hate when people say suicide is selfish. The people who say that its selfish don't realize how much it hurts. I mean, my life is horrible! I feel like I am getting an anxiety attack everytime someone tries to talk to me (i have not been diagnosed with social anxiety)! They don't know how bad it is. People say that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Well, suicide is the light at the end. I have attempted suicide twice but I always chicken out. I need someone to kill me. Please. As someone who has friends who were suicidal, and having been suicidal at one point in my life, It's the other way around. The people who are suicidal don't often realize how selfish taking their own life will be, because of the suffering they're experiencing. More directly to your case, though, anxiety causes control-seeking behavior. The taking of ones' own life can be seen as a way to escape the feelings which hurt us, and so we seek to control the situiation by taking ourselves out of the equation. It's like someone who falls ill when they get anxious at school.They know that falling ill will get them out of school, so someone who is anxious can actually have a physical illness as a result of wanting to escape the situation which makes them feel that way. Suicide works a lot in the same way, it's just that instead of getting out of school, we're getting out of life.  The only difference is that the person who gets out of school gets to experience that relief of the anxiety going away, the return of normal breathing as they're able to finally clam down their body and their mind. They start to feel comfortable again. Someone who commits suicide gets none of this, as they'll never again feel anything. There's no possibility of that feeling of relief, there's no longer a person.  In my view, feeling nothing at all is worse than feeling pain. At least when you can feel, you have a chance of feeling better. Life is too, well, lively...especially in such a time like this. I mean, they're making phones which could make their own power for goodness sakes!
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