Um. is it. can we. how do you. Help!
The answers to those awkward kinda icky questions.
How soon should you kiss?
This really depends on age and maturity, and also what you're comfortable with. Here with the appropriate stages by age is, Sabie's PDA Chart:
9-10 = NEVER. Sorry, but dating shouldn't even be an issue at this age. Neither of you is mentally or emotionally ready. Crushes, where you point and say "I like you" are fine, but don't go beyond that. Enjoy being a kid!
11-12 = Please don't! Hugs are much more appropriate at this age. Now before you complain, just remember that you almost definitely not stay with your bf/gf at this age, and you want to have something to give a longer lasting bf/gf. This, like 9-10 is not a great age to be dating.
13-14 = A month or so before regular on the lips kissing, and I would not suggest going any further.
15-up = Probably at least a few weeks before kissing, a month or two might be better. Just try not to go too fast. It's still quite likely that you will not remain with your bf/gf at if you're under 18, and you don't want to have done everything there is before marriage.
How do you initiate a kiss? Do you have to ask?
If you want to be sweet, and aren't really sure if your sig. other would be comfortable with a kiss, you can ask. Otherwise, just go for it. As, I believe Hitch said, "the guy should go 90% of the way, and the girl should go the other 10". Here's what kind of a place/situation you should be in when you go in for the kiss.
-Someplace private
-Sometime when you both are ready
-A first kiss can be during the day, or in the light, but it may be sweeter and more romantic in the dark
-Somewhere parents won't just barge into without notice. Even for regular kissing, it can be embarrassing to have your parents walk in on you.
Well how do you. kiss?
Um. ask your best friend who has a bf/gf or just wing it! I'm not going there.
What about going farther?
You should really know your partners limits, how much touching and such they'll allow. But I wouldn't worry about any thing past reg. kissing till High School or beyond.
Discussion Topics for Kids & Teens | Bulletin Boards & Forums
Boyfriend and Girlfriend Issues
Fightin’ with the the BF/GF? Crushin’ on a hottie? Get answers here!You're reading the ~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~ thread, started by Saabe!
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
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Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
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Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
How to Keep a Relationship
What do you need to do to keep that person you like with you?
-Learn about them: Their hobbies, their likes, dislikes. And there are plenty of fun little games you can play with each other to learn all of this.
Say your convo on the phone starts dying one night, ask a question like "Which do you prefer, winter or spring?" and let them answer. Then they have to ask you one. This can help a dead convo immensely, and can help you get to know them better.
-MEMORIZE their birthday. You don't have to get them anything big, but you need to know when it is and do something. The present you can give can be very simple, it just needs to really mean something and be heartfelt.
-Give them space. You can not take over every single minute of their life. You just can't. Everybody needs some alone time.
-Learn their moods. If they're sad, you can ask what's wrong, but even if they don't answer, you need to know how to cheer them up and do it.
-Don't be afraid to ask for their help. Everybody loves to know they're needed, and what better way to show it than to ask them to help you.
-Do NOT EVER strike them. Playfully is fine, so long as it doesn't hurt, AT ALL, and they know it's only in fun. Just keep it from going to far.
-Apologize, even if you don't think they're wrong. If it hurts them, it's wrong. I'm not saying you can't take a stand for your beliefs and such, but be kindly about it.
-Learn to take NO for an answer. No means NO!!! And NEVER try to force them into doing something they are not comfortable with.
How to Know When the End is Near
If you have a few of these things occurring in your relationship, that doesn't mean you should end it here and now. Sometimes, they're just temporary problems that can be fixed with time and effort. But if a lot of these things are occurring in your relationship, you may really want to consider getting out of it.
-Lack of interest. Neither of you enjoy talking with each other, or even being with each other.
-You used to love talking, now the only part of being together you enjoy is the physical stuff.
-You used to like his/her kissing, but now it completely repulses you. You prefer just talking and staying a good couple of feet away.
-You pretty much never talk, only yell, and argue.
-His/her bad qualities far out weigh the good ones.
-He/she just seems too distant, and no matter what you do, you can't reconnect.
Some times you should really consider breaking up.
-You like someone else MUCH more. [Not just a little crush] Staying while liking someone else just isn't fair to both of you.
-You know. FOR A FACT, that he/she likes someone more. As in they've told you.
-You, or they have cheated with another person.
-They do something that if a friend did you would stop associating with them
-Your parents don't approve of them, if you're under 17. [You have to live with your parents, not your bf/gf]
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
Breaking up
It sucks, it hurts, "it's hard to do", but sometimes, it's just necessary.
How should you do it?
-In person
-In PRIVATE
-As kindly as possible. Just explain why you feel it's time to break up. And you might want to add an "I'm sorry". Not that it's your fault the relationship's not working, but just because it's a nice thing to say.
-Without any corny lines. No "It's not you it's me" lines please. Be original.
How to take it:
-Quietly. No yelling. It will hurt, but don't get angry, that just make things worse.
-Maturely. NO hurling insults. He/she is not a bad person if the relationship's just not working.
Moving On
So you've broken up- what now? What if you still like him/her? What if they still like you? What if it was just plain awful?
In all cases you should try and become friends at the very least. Hey, they were good to you once, even if they're not your bf/gf any more, couldn't they still be a good friend? Don't feel like you have to try and start up a friendship right away. You guys may need some time to heal, but once you feel your ready, without any left over feelings, or at least as little as possible, try and renew the friendship.
Still Like Them?
I know it sucks! But you have to consider, what if it's not that you miss them, but just miss having someone? Try and busy yourself, reach out to your friends and hang out with other people as much as possible. And don't feel you have to bottle up your feelings. Express them to someone, or write it down. do something with it. Except tell the person you've broken up with of course.
DO NOT BECOME A STALKER!!!!
I have one, and he transferred to my school because of me. It constantly creeps me out, and has ruined parts of my life. He's in one of my classes, and almost all I can think about is how to avoid him, and how I don't want him any where near me. I also am constantly dodging him in the halls.
If you are a stalker, or just can't seem to get that girl/guy out of your head: Please remember, that just because you have feelings, doesn't mean they will be returned. And when they're not, you need to leave that person be. If you really like/love someone, but they don't return the feeling- LET IT GO.
If you have a stalker, let an adult know before it's too late. Collect any proof possible, and present it when you tell them about the problem.
I'm stuck in my situation because I have no proof, and he hasn't actually done anything to me recently, so I can't complain and get him transferred. Do something before you're stuck in the situation!
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
What if They're with Someone Else Now?
Back away slowly and have someone restrain you.
No, really. You let go of them, or they let go of you. You may be really jealous, but unless that person actually, deliberately stole your bf/gf, the break up was not that new person's fault. So you can't blame them and you can't hate them. What I've tried to do and done is make friends with the new gf, and the one after that was already a friend. Yeah it's tough, but it'll be better in the long run. But if that's too much for you, then it may just be best to stay away. Wish them the best and back off.
They Still Like You?
You still have to try and move on, even if they aren't. Make yourself busy and unavailable. If they keep trying to get you to go out again, just tell them "no" firmly as possible. Don't be mean, but make sure they understand you've moved on, and they need to too.
Cheating
I know I've said it before, but it seems to need to be said a lot:
-CHEATING IS NOT OK-
If someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend, DO NOT try and cheat with them. That means no flirting, touching, kissing. ANYTHING. People already dating, are OFF LIMITS.
If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, DO NOT cheat on them! If you're dating, then you are OFF LIMITS.
If you'd really rather being doing stuff with someone other than your bf/gf, then break up with them before doing anything with someone else.
If you do cheat on your bf/gf, or cheat with someone who has a bf/gf, the first thing you need to do is apologize. Apologize to your bf/gf and/or to the boyfriend or girlfriend of the person you cheated with. The people most affected by what you've done will most likely be incredibly angry, and may never trust you again, but it'll be much better if you just apologize right away then if you don't and they find out later on their own.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
Unwanted Physical Attention
This is mostly for girls, but sometimes guys have problems with it too.
From your Bf/Gf
When you get in a relationship, it's very important that your significant other knows your limits. That means how far you are willing to go, and how fast. Should one of those limits be crossed, just tell them politely, but firmly, that you don't feel comfortable.
Ex. Say you're kissing your bf and his hand moves just a little too low, or high. Just move his hand back and tell him "not that far ok?" He should agree. Same goes for boys.
That same kind of action can be used anytime your sig. other asks you or tries to get you to do something you are uncomfortable with.
Touching, kissing, any kind of sex. just say "no" quite firmly, and make sure the message gets through.
Should whoever your with try to do it again. Completely stop what you're doing, and look them straight in the eye. Say something to the effect of "I've asked you not to do that before, please don't do it again." If they try once more, do what ever it takes to get out of the situation. Call your parents to pick you up and take you home, or ask them to take him/her home. Then talk about it with your bf/gf later, and seriously think about breaking up with them. Being able to take "no" for an answer is a very important quality.
From Someone Else
Should someone other than your bf or gf touch you in a way you dislike, tell them then and there that that kind of behavior from them is not appropriate, and if they do it again, you will report them for sexual harassment.
If they repeat the action, get as far away from them as you can. And tell your parents and the authorities ASAP.
NO ONE has the right to touch you in a way you dislike.
Image IS Everything
This goes for both guys and girls, though stereotypically, mostly girls.
You need to dress for Success, not Succ-Sex .. Sounds corny, but I mean it. If you dress like you wanna get some, people are gunna treat you like you do. Clothing to avoid:
Girls aka- short skirts/shorts tight pants, low cut or see-through shirt, visible undergarments, low back or high mid-drift cut, pretty much anything you're told not to have at school, will send a message to guys.
No offense to them, but they are triggered by visuals. So if you present yourself as sexy, they're gunna think SEX. Guys can protect, but they need protection too: protection from skimpy clothes. Keep your attitude and dress appropriate, and they will respond with respect.
Boys: The image thing is true too, but not near as important as what you say. If you talk all love-y and sexy to a girl, she's gunna become all love-y and sexy for you.
But your job is to PROTECT HER!
So do it by not going too far and not talking like you want to. Respect her, and treat her like the gem she is.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
RAPE -by ANYONE
It doesn't matter who does it: If you tell someone you do not want to have sex, and they make you do it anyway, that is RAPE. And it doesn't matter what kind of sex, oral or whatever. Sex is sex, and rape is RAPE.
Should you be raped, there are several things you NEED to do.
1.Tell your parents- It will be hard, and you may be scared to, but they NEED to know. This is from when I was telling a girl how to talk to her mom about it, but the same steps can be used for telling both your parents:
You need to have a talk with her, so ASAP, ask her if you can talk to her. Once your seated, these are the things you need to tell her [In this order too], so she'll understand what's going on, and what you need help with:
-Ask her to please not say anything until you are finished, and to please not be angry, and to help you.
-Then, tell her that recently your bf had been getting too physical.
-Tell her that you had asked him to slow down, and that you wanted a relationship that wasn't so physical.
-Tell her how, and when he pressured you. What things he had done that you didn't like.
-Then tell her you had told him you didn't want to have sex.
-If you can, then tell her how he raped you. If you can't, just say that he did. Don't be afraid to cry, it's understandable if you want to.
Wait for her reaction before you go on.
-Ask her where you need to go to report him. Tell her you want him punished for what he did [And you should]
-Also, ask if you should can go to counseling, and where. You may not want to go, but rape can have serious emotional effects, along with the physical ones.
2. Then, hopefully with your parents help, report him to the police. The guy [or possibly girl] has committed a grave crime, and needs to be punished for it.
3.Take your rapist to trial. Be a witness, it may be really hard, but he's not going to be punished if you don't tell the courts your side of the story.
4. This is not something you absolutely have to do, but it's something you should. Now I can't give you sites or numbers [As that would get me banned] there are plenty of hotlines and websites out there made for girls/boys in your situation. Feel free to look them up if you'd like to talk to someone over the phone. Also, the Admin at KW has asked me to let you know you should calll them [so PLEASE do]. They'll be able to help you, and get in contact with the athorities in your area. The number is 1-800-668-0071, ask for Cam. He's one of the Admin, and you can trust him.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
I Ask You PLEASE:
Do not debate this! I'm not saying you can't have an opinion, or that mine is 100% the right answer, only that this is NOT a debate topic, it is only a place for me to put out my opinion and respond as I would if someone had asked me about this in my advice topic. If you would like to express your opinion, make another topic. I will ask the Mods to delete any "debating" post. Thanks very much!
SEX
"Should we have sex"
This is a question I've gotten surprisingly often. And no matter who it is, or what age. I always give about the same answer.
It doesn't matter if you feel you're ready.
It doesn't matter if you're going to use protection.
It doesn't even matter how much you trust and love your boyfriend/girlfriend.
You just should NOT do it. And here's why. [This is something I typed up in reply to someone asking if they should have sex] Note- it was written to a 14 year old girl, but the parts about saving your virginity apply to boys too, and both genders of any age.
Sex is a seriously emotional thing, and most girls that have sex before marriage, seriously regret it. There are too many complications. Even with protection, there's still a risk of getting pregnant, or contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Consider it, what if you got pregnant? You're only 14 do you really think you could handle a child? And being so young, your body's probably not even ready for giving birth.
Even if you do not become pregnant or contract a disease you will have lost a great part of you. You're a beautiful young woman, [or strong young man] with a great gift: Virginity. That purity is something so precious, it can only be given once. When you give it away, it should be with a ring on your finger, and the man or woman receiving it should be your husband [or wife]. Even if you trust this boy or [girl], you will probably not marry him [or her], and don't you want your husband [or w to be your first?
There are other ways of getting close to your significant other. Try something emotional, not physical, like finding a game you both love to play, or a favorite movie to watch.
I don't mean to preach, but this is an issue I feel very strongly about. Even if you disregard my words, please seriously consider having sex. It will change your life, and NOT for the better.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
I Ask You PLEASE:
Do not debate this! I'm not saying you can't have an opinion, or that mine is 100% the right answer, only that this is NOT a debate topic, it is only a place for me to put out my opinion and respond as I would if someone had asked me about this in my advice topic. If you would like to express your opinion, make another topic. I will ask the Mods to delete any "debating" post. Thanks very much!
Pregnancy
Girls:
So what if you do have sex and end up pregnant, what should you do?
First, tell the boy. See if he will support you in either caring for the baby if you keep it, or in giving it away for adoption.
Second, tell your parents. Starting with your mom may be the easiest. Yes, IT WILL BE HARD. But it's far better to get past the anger so you have two older people who will be able to help you through the long months.
Third, seek a center or group that will give you any missing support.
Past that, I can't advice you as it's nothing any of my friends or myself have experienced.
Now you will have noticed I did not list abortion as an option. That is because I do not support it. I'm going to post a post I've made a few times about why. PLEASE DO NOT ARGUE MY POSITION. This topic is not about it, it's just the same advice I'd give anyone else. If you want to debate abortion, do it in ANOTHER TOPIC!!!
Here''s something I found in a book, it''s a bit long, but it''s a good way of putting something I''ve often tried to say:
A guy is talking to a girl considering abortion [though she chose to have sex with the guy who got her pregnant] about why he feels abortion is wrong:
"''I don''t think you can shirk responsibility for it the way a rape or incest victim might be justified in doing.
"But even in those cases, the solution isn''t to kill the innocent party, is it? Something is wrong, really wrong, and so people defend their right to choose. What the choose, or course, is not just then end of a pregnancy, not just an abortion, it''s the death of a person. But which person? One of the people who made a mistake? One of the people who committed a rape or incest? Or one of the people who got pregnant out of wedlock? No, the solution is always to kill the most innocent party of all.''
...
''Please don''t think I said any of that to hurt you personally. Just chalk it up to somebody standing up for the rights of someone who can''t defend him-or herself. If you won''t stand up for your own child, somebody has to.''"
-Dr. T.LaHaye + J.B. Jenkins
Now, the rest of my reasons I've stated in the section about sex.
Please don't resort to abortion! There are so many couples who can't have children that long to adopt! Give the baby a chance. Even if you can't keep it, give him or her a shot at life.
Boys:
If you get a girl pregnant, take responsibility. Don't make excuses, just accept, and help. Maybe you can't do it financially, but you can help emotionally. Don't yell at her, don't curse, don't call her names. That doesn't help, and it doesn't change the fact that you both made a mistake. Be there for her when she needs support, and if she chooses to keep the baby, make sure you do everything you can to help.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
A Message to All of You:
1.To My Friends Who Are...........SINGLE
Love like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy˙˙ often it hurts, but love''s only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.
2.To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE
Love isn''t about becoming somebody else''s "perfect person." It''s about finding someone who helps you the best person you can be.
3.To My Friends Who.....SIMPLY ENJOYS THE GAME
Never say "I love you" if you don''t care. Never talk about feelings if they aren''t there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn''t intend to catch her fall and it works both ways...
4.To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED
Love is not about "it''s your fault", but "I''m sorry...." Not "where are you", but "I''m right here." Not "how could you", but "I understand." Not "I wish you were", but "I''m thankful you are."
5.To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
the true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.
6.To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them˙to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.
7.To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
How to be in love: Fall but don''t stumble, be consistent but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, and get hurt but never keep the pain.
8.To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but it''s more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.
9.To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.
10.To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn''t worth it. If he isn''t worth it now he''s not going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go.....
11.TO ALL MY FRIENDS.......
My wish for you is a man/woman whose love is honest, strong, mature , never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
~*Sabie's Relationship Guide*~
That's all the major issues I can think of, but once again, please let me know if you come up with one that I don't have. I may not make a chapter of it if I don't think it's all that common, don't take offense, just take the issue to Ally!
I hope that this helps some of you, since I won't be able to give one-on-one advice any more! Let me know if it's missing something major and I'll do what I can!
P.S. I'm hoping to put out a book on this out sometime with in the next few years, so keep your ears and eyes open!
As always, with much love,
~*Sabie*~
=+=
Most Truth can only be expressed in circular paradoxes
=+=
Could it be, the brightest star, so close, yet still far away?
-Chiamami amor
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