a few years ago i had a crush on someone i knew from kidzworld. and by that i mean i really really really loved  them and used to imagine us meeting irl by chance (though it wouldve been impossible) and then dating and falling in true love and all that crud. and then i found out that the person i liked was dating one of my close kw friends. and i was. crushed. i cried and cried and cried for hours and then when my mom found me crying to her i lied about the reason. i really loved that person and had thought that they loved me too. i still hurt inside sometimes because of this actually. even though it was YEARS ago. loving someone more than they love you hurts really deep and it takes a lot to heal from that.
i definitely dont feel half as bad about it as i did when it happened, not even a quarter or an eighth as bad. when it happened it was the kind of pain that tears into you and makes you scream and cry until youre hollow and empty and nothings left. it seems silly in retrospect to be that torn up over a crush, but i guess it was worse because they somewhat led me into believing they reciprocated my feelings and i was also going through a hard time when i truly felt disgusting and unlovable. 
now i just sort of feel sad about it because i remember the feeling of truly believing that no one could love me. because i was ugly and unappealing. but i feel better now that i am dating someone. who truly loves me. my good and my bad. he supports everything i do and even wants to come to one of my therapy sessions. wow i love him a lot. 

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seeing my therapist for the third time tomorrow. she said we might go get a coffee or s/th. maybe i will be able to talk about my boyfriend this time?
i sort of doubt it because wow im really awkward and its kind of a big deal. i mean ??? yeah i will eventually be able to talk about that and all kinds of stuff. but i guess im not ready right now to talk about the more serious things and whats going on with me. 

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sometimes i cry too much

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i want. aTTENTION. someone pay attention to me. pet my hair. tell me i will be okay. tell me that i can get better. someone please. i feel sick and alone. 

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i feel selfish for wanting my friends to always be there for me, around the clock on demand. but sometimes i just really need someone. 

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Okay?

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when people tell me i am depressed it is weird. like. it is a fact that i already know but. hearing it from other people ??? is really weird like. people who have dealt with or are dealing with diagnosed depression who tell me that i am just like them and can describe my own feelings to me. that is a weird thing. 

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DO NOT READ RUBYQUEST
I AM SERIOUS THIS IS CRAY
DONT READ RUBYQUEST OK
ITS SO SCARY AND THERES LOTS OF BLOOD
WHERE DID TOM GO ??????
RUBY ARE YOU OKAY??????
DO NOT!
DO NOT!
DO NOT READ RUBYQUEST!

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i finished rubyquest and now i am read nanquest my life is a whole string of bad decisions

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lies down on the ground
stares up at the ceiling
begins to cry
so many people are so attractive

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