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My Poem - Dreams

Posted By:
hollybl2468
hollybl2468
Member since:
July, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2913

 

Okay, I know this poem I wrote is rubbish, but I would still appreciate comments, whether it's criticism or compliments. Also, I wrote it in under twenty minutes so I didn't dedicate a lot of time ...

 

 

Dreams

 

 

I dream that one day magic shall pass before my eyes.

Whether it be a friend, or even a vampire,

I hope that dream never dies.

I want to grow wings and soar over a mountain.

I want to gain superpowers and abilities.

I want to swim in every ocean and fountain.

I want to dream of all the possibilities.

I will let my spirit soar,

Overcoming everything in my path.

Despite the obstacles in my way,

I will just live, love and laugh.

My dreams are my goals.

My light at the end of the tunnel.

Just like all the other souls,

I shall find my beloved future.

I have an unquenched thirst to run at the speed of light.

An unquenched thirst to leap in the air and take flight.

Our dreams are our futures,

We simply have to try,

For anything is possible,

Your dreams will never die.


"The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants", said my beloved Johnny Depp.
But also pigs and horses, and basically everything that isn't human.
Humans betray, lie and cheat; they kill for sport and break hearts.
I am a proud alien.


My Poem - Dreams

Posted By:
-Zachary- Lock
-Zachary-
Member since:
December, 2012
StarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 572
This is actually really good. Only one gripe is this line "Ignoring everything in my path."

Personally I'd go with something more along the lines of "overcoming" rather than ignoring, but I think it's more preference than anything.

I like how the poem goes from hopes, dreams, and wants, to describing what WILL happen. I could be reading too deeply into it, but it gives off the idea of taking charge of your life and getting what you want, and being assertive. 

“Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other's achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain.”


My Poem - Dreams

Posted By:
Kagamine(=^.^=)Rin
Kagamine(=^.^=)Rin
Member since:
August, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1514
Whoa, this is awesome! Do more >¨.¨<


My Poem - Dreams

Posted By:
hollybl2468
hollybl2468
Member since:
July, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2913
(Thanks heaps you guys! And for the advice too, I'll edit it now!)

"The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants", said my beloved Johnny Depp.
But also pigs and horses, and basically everything that isn't human.
Humans betray, lie and cheat; they kill for sport and break hearts.
I am a proud alien.


My Poem - Dreams

Posted By:
hollybl2468
hollybl2468
Member since:
July, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2913

 

I was bored, so I wrote this one too, but this one was under ten minutes … I'd appreciate more comments, criticism or compliments ...

 

 

I dance in the stars,

You said I never would.

I invented flying cars,

You said I never could.

But everything you said,

Made me try all the more,

So thank you for your criticism,

It made me determined,

And now I soar.

Each day I was told,

Of all my faults and downs.

You were harsh, and you were cold,

You said I'd end up as a clown.

But here I am,

With wings and all,

Flying by your window,

I swear I will never fall.

People will tell you what you can and can't do,

I was told I couldn't too,

But I sweat and bled,

Tried my best,

Now I'm at the top of the mountain,

Despite what you said.


"The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants", said my beloved Johnny Depp.
But also pigs and horses, and basically everything that isn't human.
Humans betray, lie and cheat; they kill for sport and break hearts.
I am a proud alien.


My Poem - Dreams

Posted By:
-Zachary- Lock
-Zachary-
Member since:
December, 2012
StarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 572
I really like this one as well. I don't really have any reasoning other than preference, but it seems like "Tried my best" would be better than "Trying my best"

Of course it's up to you, I just think it flows a little better

I'd love to see what you could do with more time put into one of these, you have a knack for it if you're doing them in just a couple of minutes. 

“Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other's achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain.”


My Poem - Dreams

Posted By:
hollybl2468
hollybl2468
Member since:
July, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2913
Okay, thanks. I really appreciate your comments and your helping me :3.

"The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants", said my beloved Johnny Depp.
But also pigs and horses, and basically everything that isn't human.
Humans betray, lie and cheat; they kill for sport and break hearts.
I am a proud alien.


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