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Posted By:
alvy123
alvy123
Member since:
April 2012
Status:
Offline

Posts: 1060
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
Hi!!! This is my first poem so plz comment and let me know how is it so I can improve!!!

smile Frown Worried Grin Big Grin Hippie Blush Love Mad Angry Shout

RUBY | 14 | INDIA
Want to know more? TALK to me. Want to talk? ADD me. I don't care what you think about me , but I'm me . Please do read my story in the forums - DEATH - I love chocolate too.
Dazed Tired Tongue Out Cool Wink Confused


Posted By:
alvy123
alvy123
Member since:
April 2012
Status:
Offline

Posts: 1060
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
All I want to do
All I want to see
All I want to know
All I want is me

All I want is wander
All around the trees
All I want is wonder
All I want to be

All I want to gain
All I want to say
All I felt in pain
All I want is a Day.

smile Frown Worried Grin Big Grin Hippie Blush Love Mad Angry Shout

RUBY | 14 | INDIA
Want to know more? TALK to me. Want to talk? ADD me. I don't care what you think about me , but I'm me . Please do read my story in the forums - DEATH - I love chocolate too.
Dazed Tired Tongue Out Cool Wink Confused


Posted By:
Midapops Lock
Midapops
Member since:
January 2013
Status:
Offline

Posts: 1334
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
usually poems have like the same part of a certain par in th poem

I am a photography lover Big Grin
Eiffel Tower!!
Ahh.
o.o


Posted By:
RainingKnote
RainingKnote
Member since:
April 2012
Status:
Offline

Posts: 364
StarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
The poem is good and creative. You used almost the same lives throughout but changed one word, which some poet writers will do. But keep an eye on when you say the line ' all around the trees'
It doesn't match the rest of the poem. it takes away from the entire flow of the poem.

"We are but branches among many trees."


Posted By:
glitteronmyhands
glitteronmyhands
Member since:
December 2012
Status:
Offline

Posts: 1315
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
I like it, but, I think you should change the sentences up a bit. Like, maybe one stanza could be the 'all i want', and the next could be 'all i need.', and the next could be 'all i see'? Other than that, its really good!


Posted By:
alvy123
alvy123
Member since:
April 2012
Status:
Offline

Posts: 1060
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
thank u all for posting your suggetions and praises....i will take care of my mistakes next time........the next poemwill soon be published

smile Frown Worried Grin Big Grin Hippie Blush Love Mad Angry Shout

RUBY | 14 | INDIA
Want to know more? TALK to me. Want to talk? ADD me. I don't care what you think about me , but I'm me . Please do read my story in the forums - DEATH - I love chocolate too.
Dazed Tired Tongue Out Cool Wink Confused


Posted By:
RawrSkittles=)
RawrSkittles=)
Member since:
July 2011
Status:
Offline

Posts: 14867
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago

"RainingKnote" wrote:

The poem is good and creative. You used almost the same lives throughout but changed one word, which some poet writers will do. But keep an eye on when you say the line ' all around the trees'

It doesn't match the rest of the poem. it takes away from the entire flow of the poem.


^^


Posted By:
RawrSkittles=)
RawrSkittles=)
Member since:
July 2011
Status:
Offline

Posts: 14867
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago

"glitteronmyhands" wrote:

I like it, but, I think you should change the sentences up a bit. Like, maybe one stanza could be the 'all i want', and the next could be 'all i need.', and the next could be 'all i see'? Other than that, its really good!


^^


Posted By:
kep7hk
kep7hk
Member since:
July 2012
Status:
Offline

Posts: 136
StarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
his hair as black as night
his eyes so deep
his voice so soft... thats all i got so far

Let people be who they want to be


Posted By:
alvy123
alvy123
Member since:
April 2012
Status:
Offline

Posts: 1060
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
My sweet mother
is better than any other.
She knows how to cook 
and to bind a book.

She helps me to study 
like my best buddy.
She works all day long
singing a pleasant song.

What she actually is
is not something to miss.
She can die for me
like she's living for me.

She is the best mother
whom you never bother.

smile Frown Worried Grin Big Grin Hippie Blush Love Mad Angry Shout

RUBY | 14 | INDIA
Want to know more? TALK to me. Want to talk? ADD me. I don't care what you think about me , but I'm me . Please do read my story in the forums - DEATH - I love chocolate too.
Dazed Tired Tongue Out Cool Wink Confused


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