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Oceans of Time

Posted By:
Gupi1999
Gupi1999
Member since:
June, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13032
First off, this is mine. 
My original characters, My made up town, My interpretation of these creatures, My plot line.
If anyone copies this I will NOT be happy.

Secondly, I've written about 5 chapters before deciding to post it here but they are sorta longish...I'm thinking of posting a few paragraphs at a time. 

Third, don't tell me it's amazing and just leave it at that. I want some criticism but I also don't want it being torn to shreds. It's not the best but I like what I've done so far.

Fourth, tell me if I've made spelling mistakes or grammatical mistakes but be warned this is written with Australian/English spelling so some things will be different eg. Grey instead of Gray

Fifth, Hope you enjoy.

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A lot.


Oceans of Time

Posted By:
Gupi1999
Gupi1999
Member since:
June, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13032
Prologue

Paul walked through the woods the trees swaying in the vicious wind, slashing at the air, revenge for being bent almost to the ground. His hair blew over his eyes but he ignored it and kept walking before finally reaching home. Stepping on every little crack and humming to a children's rhyme, he reached his old swinging chair and sat on it. Sighing as he looked up at the moon, a full pink moon with a faint white rim. It was the way the moon looked that night. That horrid night.

Oh, you saw me on the forums?
You want to add me?

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I hate people.
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Oceans of Time

Posted By:
Gupi1999
Gupi1999
Member since:
June, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13032
Chapter One: Changing

Music.
It was the focus of her life. The music in her soul, not in instruments, music in the world around her.
A soft hum came from her wings as she flew higher and higher, spinning and soaring through the air before looping back down. Passing a small flock of ducks a sudden bang echoed through the woods, a bullet flying through the middle of them all. She saw the hunter, and angrily flew toward him. He had barely started to laugh at the humming bird speeding toward him when a hawk was scratching his face.

“Where da bloody 'ell did dat thing come from ay!" he yelled, running back toward the car. The hunters drove away as fast as they could. The hawk flew up in the air once and then dropped from the sky, and the figure of a girl slowly emerged from the birds shape and soon the hawk was gone and a pale girl sat on a tree branch swinging her legs and playing with her dark hair. She had just pulled on a simple cream dress when a woman walked underneath.
"Belle! Get down!” she called.
The pale girl giggled “Okay Mama!” and stepped off the tree branch, falling down.
 
"Isabelle! I wish you would stop doing that!” Her mother scolded as the girl shifted into a black cat just before the ground.
She padded along beside her, the black fur blending her with the slowly forming night, for a while listening to the whistling of the wind. As wind chimes came within hearing distance she shifted back and slipped on the dress her mother had picked up, then ran home. Her mother had raced ahead and was inside long before Isabelle came insight of her home. 



(([ Still a lot more left of this chapter ]))

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Oceans of Time

Posted By:
Gupi1999
Gupi1999
Member since:
June, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13032
Any opinions of what i posted so far?

Oh, you saw me on the forums?
You want to add me?

Don't.

I hate people.
A lot.


Oceans of Time

Posted By:
:PSiLlY
:PSiLlY
Member since:
March, 2011
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Status: Offline
Posts: 5020
You are doing really well with the plot! I think you should have a better description of the characters looks and surroundings. 


“We cling to our fairy tales until the price for believing in them becomes too high.”


Oceans of Time

Posted By:
Gupi1999
Gupi1999
Member since:
June, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13032
Thanks, I hope someone else reads this...I wanna post some more but want at least two more peoples opinions...

Oh, you saw me on the forums?
You want to add me?

Don't.

I hate people.
A lot.


Oceans of Time

Posted By:
Oakfeather
Oakfeather
Member since:
February, 2013
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Status: Offline
Posts: 2971
Wow.  That is really good.  I liked how you used the accent for the hunter.  It was a nice touch.  Also, the shapeshifter.  It is really cool.

Dragon wolf

Favorite Youtubers:

-The Yogscast
-Skydoesminecraft
-ASFJerome
-DeadloxMC
-Urnam7

"That's a very nice everything you have there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it." ~ Honeydew/Simon Lane, of the Yogscast.


Oceans of Time

Posted By:
xXMCJXx Lock
xXMCJXx
Member since:
July, 2011
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Status: Offline
Posts: 1455
Great story. I don't see to much wrong with it.


Oceans of Time

Posted By:
ImaginationGal200_2207780 Lock
ImaginationGal200_2207780
Member since:
July, 2012
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Status: Offline
Posts: 1787

"Gupi1999" wrote:



Fourth, tell me if I've made spelling mistakes or grammatical mistakes but be warned this is written with Australian/English spelling so some things will be different eg. Grey instead of Gray


You Didnt make any mistakes I could see, But then again...


.


Oceans of Time

Posted By:
Gupi1999
Gupi1999
Member since:
June, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13032
Chapter One: Changing 
cont.


As she ran into the clearing surrounding her home she called toward the little shed next to the house.
“Hurry Papa! I smell dinner!”
He laughed as he came up behind her and messed her hair a bit “From the way your mother acted I guess you saw those hunters!” he chuckled.
Grinning as a response Isabelle pushed the delicately patterned wooden door open and entered the cottage. It was a soft beige colour outside and a creamy white inside. Vines of ivy crept across one side of the house trying to reach the dark tiled roof. Flowers were potted in front of the windows, in vases throughout the house and there were three flowerbeds in their vegetable garden. Isabelle sat at the hand carved table, it wasn't anything special but her papa had made it when she was five and she got a chance to help him carve it.
 
"Mama this looks delicious!” she exclaimed looking at her bowl of soup. The bowl came from a very old set but remained as beautiful as ever, the yellow and brown ducks surrounding the edge standing out from the gleaming white. The bowls matched the house, there were ducks her father carved on the shelf above the fire, a few painted on the kitchen wall, all of the china and cutlery had ducks and there was even a pond of them in their garden.
 
They ate dinner silently, Isabelle had tried to spark the usual joking conversation but her parents seemed to be somewhere else. They kept shooting glances at each other and occasionally at her. They wore somber expressions she would never expect of the kind and joking people she knew. A sick feeling began to fall on her, they obviously wanted privacy. She finished her meal quickly and getting up cleared the table and did the dishes. Isabelle put the bowls away and smiled at her parents then grabbing the left over bread went out back to feed the ducks. 

Oh, you saw me on the forums?
You want to add me?

Don't.

I hate people.
A lot.


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