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Kidnapped

Posted By:
anita8181
anita8181
Member since:
July 2012
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Posts: 83
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Posted over 3 years ago
continue!!!

A woman enters stage left as the lights above gleam for her arrival.
She looks around at all the petrified and curious faces gazing up from the audience and takes a graceful bow. She then glances up, and smiles, eyes tainted a poisonous deep red.
 "Welcome to the show," she whispers.
 The lights dim in agreement.


Posted By:
JiminyCrispies
JiminyCrispies
Member since:
January 2012
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Posts: 3077
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
It's good, I like it; but you just use 'she' too much, try using her name instead. Also you should describe a little more and try different sentence openers, it's better to show rather than tell the reader what's happening.
Example. You've put, `She was terrified; freezing, and starving.`
You could say instead, `Sierra's eyes frantically darted around the gloom and her heart pounded so hard in her chest, she was certain it would crack a rib. The deprivation of food and heat roused a new dread deep in the pit of her stomach as optimism deserted her, leaving her with only the company of the bleak despair of the doomed.`
I'm not saying, `Now, Cat, you must listen to every single piece of advice I give you and copy my edit, or I'll send my secret ninja rainbow pandas onto you` I'm just trying to give you some suggestions. xD
Hope you do more soon, I'd really like to read more (:
Oh, btw, I'm also writing a kidnapping book! Eleven chapters and counting xD 

Jag och min valp, Elvis
Me and my pup Elvis [ whispers ] I woke him up to do this c:


Posted By:
classicalmusicisepic
classicalmusicisepic
Member since:
April 2012
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Posts: 4850
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
The captors took Sierra by her shoulders, before leading her up the damp steps. Their hands were freezing- shivers went down her spine.
It was still dark; and she wasn't sure where she was. But it was warmer than in the cellar, and she felt that the floor was carpeted, and fairly frayed. 
"W-Where are we going?" Asked Sierra, sniffing. 
They didn't answer, but pushed her towards a door, her head hitting off the hard, solid wood. She whimpered, and started searching for a door handle. Sierra suddenly felt lightheaded; she felt something trickling down her forehead. She knew it was blood, but she was still feeling around. Finally, she found a handle, and eagerly twisted it, leading them into a kitchen. It was extremely bright to Sierra after a while in the dark, but it was only a very dim light. It was a minuscule kitchen; and filthy. It barely had room for just a few small cupboards, a table and two chairs, and a refrigerator. There was a once pink wallpaper; faded by the grime-filled window. The paper had peeled, and you could see the bricks underneath.
They shoved Sierra out of the kitchen's door, then leading up a flight of horrible, wood worm riddled steps. They had obviously tried to cover the steps up with an ugly, frayed carpet. 
"Go." Said a female voice, stern and strong.
Sierra went up the steps, tripping on the last. The hallway was much like the kitchen, small and claustrophobic. There were three rooms, and a little window in the middle. A bunch of fake, faded flowers were on the window sill. The two captors had followed her up, and lead her to the middle of the hall. Sierra didn't dare look back at them; she was terrified they'd do something to her.
"Get into the attic." Said the male voice, making her look up above her. She reached up to the low, spider webbed ceiling, and took down the ladder....

To Be Continued...


Posted By:
JiminyCrispies
JiminyCrispies
Member since:
January 2012
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Posts: 3077
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Posted over 3 years ago
Cat! I'm so happy you've updated! Yay! xD 
I like it, and there's more detail! I've read through it twice, trying to find any mistakes to point out. One, I found one. And its like, basically nothing.. You've just put full stops after the character's speech, when it should be a comma.
I.e. ` "Go." Said a female voice, stern and strong. `
It should be ` "Go," said a female voice [...] ` 
Aside from that minor, miniature, minuscule thing.. I have found nothing else! [omg, I used alliteration without realizing until just now.. Boom!]
I love it, can't wait for you to update more! 
-stares at the laptop screen, biting the coffee table- 

Jag och min valp, Elvis
Me and my pup Elvis [ whispers ] I woke him up to do this c:


Posted By:
classicalmusicisepic
classicalmusicisepic
Member since:
April 2012
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Posts: 4850
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
^_^ Aw, thank you!


Posted By:
JiminyCrispies
JiminyCrispies
Member since:
January 2012
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Posts: 3077
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
You're welcome c': 

Jag och min valp, Elvis
Me and my pup Elvis [ whispers ] I woke him up to do this c:


Posted By:
Selenasweety_2038475 Lock
Selenasweety_2038475
Member since:
February 2012
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Posts: 1903
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
I love your story ! It's PERFECT ! smile I'm looking forward for the next part of the story ! ^-^

=^.^=
~~~~~~M-E-O-W~~~~~~


Posted By:
hugebear Lock
hugebear
Member since:
February 2007
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Posts: 30521
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Posted over 3 years ago
Catherine this is awesome writing and I loves how you wrote it and the story and I wanna read more Big Grin

___________________________
hugebear from gracie and mia
classicalmusicisepicdonethis for me siggy :love thank you

from classicalmusicisepic for mesiggy


hugebearkeep calm and hug ted


Posted By:
classicalmusicisepic
classicalmusicisepic
Member since:
April 2012
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Posts: 4850
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
(: Thanks guys! 


Posted By:
classicalmusicisepic
classicalmusicisepic
Member since:
April 2012
Status:
Offline

Posts: 4850
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted over 3 years ago
It was extremely heavy; filled with iron and metal. Sierra winced as it dug into the palm of her hand.
She dropped it onto the floor, panting. Sierra was extremely weak, and just wanted to sleep in her warm, cozy bed at home, and then get a warm cup of tea.
She shakily stepped onto the first step of the stepladder, and tripped on her own feet. She felt a gun on her back, as she quickly scrambled to get up again. At last, Sierra got up the steps. It felt like a rain forest in the attic, roasting, stuffy, and extremely humid. She looked down, to see two dark figures closing the trap door.

To be continued..
(Sorry, I have to do LOADS of homework, and I promise I'll do WAY more soon.)


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