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Kidnapped

Posted By:
anita8181
anita8181
Member since:
July, 2012
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Status: Offline
Posts: 63
continue!!!

emo vampire! you are awesome just the way you are!! PROBLEM?? U MAD BRO? total weirdo right here! evil taco!!! I LIKE CHEEEEEEESE!!!!! xD ADDICTED TO ADVENTURE TIME!!! ADVENTURE TIME!!
~Scemo Queen~


Kidnapped

Posted By:
JiminyCrispies
JiminyCrispies
Member since:
January, 2012
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Status: Offline
Posts: 3078
It's good, I like it; but you just use 'she' too much, try using her name instead. Also you should describe a little more and try different sentence openers, it's better to show rather than tell the reader what's happening.
Example. You've put, `She was terrified; freezing, and starving.`
You could say instead, `Sierra's eyes frantically darted around the gloom and her heart pounded so hard in her chest, she was certain it would crack a rib. The deprivation of food and heat roused a new dread deep in the pit of her stomach as optimism deserted her, leaving her with only the company of the bleak despair of the doomed.`
I'm not saying, `Now, Cat, you must listen to every single piece of advice I give you and copy my edit, or I'll send my secret ninja rainbow pandas onto you` I'm just trying to give you some suggestions. xD
Hope you do more soon, I'd really like to read more (:
Oh, btw, I'm also writing a kidnapping book! Eleven chapters and counting xD 

Jag och min valp, Elvis

Me and my pup Elvis [ whispers ] I woke him up to do this c:


Kidnapped

Posted By:
classicalmusicisepic
classicalmusicisepic
Member since:
April, 2012
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Status: Offline
Posts: 4797
The captors took Sierra by her shoulders, before leading her up the damp steps. Their hands were freezing- shivers went down her spine.
It was still dark; and she wasn't sure where she was. But it was warmer than in the cellar, and she felt that the floor was carpeted, and fairly frayed. 
"W-Where are we going?" Asked Sierra, sniffing. 
They didn't answer, but pushed her towards a door, her head hitting off the hard, solid wood. She whimpered, and started searching for a door handle. Sierra suddenly felt lightheaded; she felt something trickling down her forehead. She knew it was blood, but she was still feeling around. Finally, she found a handle, and eagerly twisted it, leading them into a kitchen. It was extremely bright to Sierra after a while in the dark, but it was only a very dim light. It was a minuscule kitchen; and filthy. It barely had room for just a few small cupboards, a table and two chairs, and a refrigerator. There was a once pink wallpaper; faded by the grime-filled window. The paper had peeled, and you could see the bricks underneath.
They shoved Sierra out of the kitchen's door, then leading up a flight of horrible, wood worm riddled steps. They had obviously tried to cover the steps up with an ugly, frayed carpet. 
"Go." Said a female voice, stern and strong.
Sierra went up the steps, tripping on the last. The hallway was much like the kitchen, small and claustrophobic. There were three rooms, and a little window in the middle. A bunch of fake, faded flowers were on the window sill. The two captors had followed her up, and lead her to the middle of the hall. Sierra didn't dare look back at them; she was terrified they'd do something to her.
"Get into the attic." Said the male voice, making her look up above her. She reached up to the low, spider webbed ceiling, and took down the ladder....

To Be Continued...


bring me the horizon ♥


Kidnapped

Posted By:
JiminyCrispies
JiminyCrispies
Member since:
January, 2012
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Status: Offline
Posts: 3078
Cat! I'm so happy you've updated! Yay! xD 
I like it, and there's more detail! I've read through it twice, trying to find any mistakes to point out. One, I found one. And its like, basically nothing.. You've just put full stops after the character's speech, when it should be a comma.
I.e. ` "Go." Said a female voice, stern and strong. `
It should be ` "Go," said a female voice [...] ` 
Aside from that minor, miniature, minuscule thing.. I have found nothing else! [omg, I used alliteration without realizing until just now.. Boom!]
I love it, can't wait for you to update more! 
-stares at the laptop screen, biting the coffee table- 

Jag och min valp, Elvis

Me and my pup Elvis [ whispers ] I woke him up to do this c:


Kidnapped

Posted By:
classicalmusicisepic
classicalmusicisepic
Member since:
April, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 4797
^_^ Aw, thank you!


bring me the horizon ♥


Kidnapped

Posted By:
JiminyCrispies
JiminyCrispies
Member since:
January, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 3078
You're welcome c': 

Jag och min valp, Elvis

Me and my pup Elvis [ whispers ] I woke him up to do this c:


Kidnapped

Posted By:
Selenasweety
Selenasweety
Member since:
February, 2012
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Status: Offline
Posts: 1901
I love your story ! It's PERFECT ! smile I'm looking forward for the next part of the story ! ^-^


=^.^=
~~~~~~M-E-O-W~~~~~~




Kidnapped

Posted By:
hugebear
hugebear
Member since:
February, 2007
Junior Mod
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Status: Offline
Posts: 23794
Catherine this is awesome writing and I loves how you wrote it and the story and I wanna read more Big Grin

___________________________
hugebear from gracie and mia
classicalmusicisepicdonethis for me siggy :love thank you

from classicalmusicisepic for mesiggy


hugebearkeep calm and hug ted


Kidnapped

Posted By:
classicalmusicisepic
classicalmusicisepic
Member since:
April, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 4797
(: Thanks guys! 


bring me the horizon ♥


Kidnapped

Posted By:
classicalmusicisepic
classicalmusicisepic
Member since:
April, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 4797
It was extremely heavy; filled with iron and metal. Sierra winced as it dug into the palm of her hand.
She dropped it onto the floor, panting. Sierra was extremely weak, and just wanted to sleep in her warm, cozy bed at home, and then get a warm cup of tea.
She shakily stepped onto the first step of the stepladder, and tripped on her own feet. She felt a gun on her back, as she quickly scrambled to get up again. At last, Sierra got up the steps. It felt like a rain forest in the attic, roasting, stuffy, and extremely humid. She looked down, to see two dark figures closing the trap door.

To be continued..
(Sorry, I have to do LOADS of homework, and I promise I'll do WAY more soon.)


bring me the horizon ♥


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