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Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
kamuimaru
kamuimaru
Member since:
November, 2011
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Thanks. =3 It's getting kinda repetitive posting all of the chapters one by one. 
EDIT: Well. I can't send the google drive. I'll just have to go back to posting them one by one again.

Hi! I like writing and chess and drawing.


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
kamuimaru
kamuimaru
Member since:
November, 2011
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Posts: 209
If anyone wants another chapter, just tell. I won't be spamming anymore.

Hi! I like writing and chess and drawing.


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
scn71402_1900221 Lock
scn71402_1900221
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September, 2011
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I read the first chapter, I felt sooooo sorry!!!! TT.TT Poor Lilly.... At least, there actually IS a way of parasite treatment. It's called antibiotics.

The hate can't die by hate, but only with love (Buddha)


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
kamuimaru
kamuimaru
Member since:
November, 2011
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"scn71402" wrote:

I read the first chapter, I felt sooooo sorry!!!! TT.TT Poor Lilly.... At least, there actually IS a way of parasite treatment. It's called antibiotics.
Oops. xD Should it be a virus instead? I thought making it a parasite would make it creepier and stuff for the story, but I guess that didn't work. =p

Hi! I like writing and chess and drawing.


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
kamuimaru
kamuimaru
Member since:
November, 2011
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Posts: 209
Maybe since the millions of doctors have put all of their medicine together to try and stop it, the parasite developed antibiotic resistance? Would that make sense? This was just a silly little project and little research was conducted. xD

Hi! I like writing and chess and drawing.


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
shae508
shae508
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January, 2012
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this is geting good. i think its time for chapter 3. 

Being normal is so boring~
Why not be insane instead?
Devil

6000th post 9/16/2014 6:13 PM Big Grin


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
kamuimaru
kamuimaru
Member since:
November, 2011
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Chapter 3 is awfully short...

The Mystery Cure

Chapter 3: Nightmares

“Guys?” Lilly sat up in her hospital bed. Her straight hair fell to her shoulders as she turned toward them. “What are you doing here? You aren’t supposed to be here!” she said in a hushed and worried whisper.

“Lilly?! I thought you were in a coma!” Mia said, rushing over to Lilly.

“Oh, right. I over heard the nurse telling some people about that... I woke up yesterday, but it was so scary, there was all these doctors.. with knives, I didn’t want to let them know I was awake. They had shots and--KOHTA?! What are you doing here?!” Lilly stopped mid-sentence.

“Oh, um... I thought I’d drop by. I heard you were sick n’ all, so I thought...”

“Oh,” Lilly said, turning her back to him, ”But Mia, you shouldn’t be here! It’s past visiting hours.”

Mia looked past the door, making sure nobody was nearby and able to hear. Then she said in a hushed and soft tone again, “We lied to the nurse and told them that you were our sister. Apparently they let family members visit past hours.”

“Oh, thats good,” Lilly said, smiling up at Mia from her bed.

“Um, is it just me or am I getting the silent treatment?” Kohta said hesitantly.

The girls ignored him.

“So Lilly, how are you feeling?” Mia asked patting her friend on the shoulder.

“Terrible! My stomach feels like its on fire! I got this terrible rash that feels like I’m being stung by a million wasps! It’s miserable!” Lilly said, starting to cry.

“Oh Lilly! I’m so sorry!”

Lilly opened her eyes wide and stared in disbelief at who once was her best friend. “I can’t believe it,” Lilly said, pointing her finger angrily at Mia, “THIS WAS YOUR FAULT?! YOU MADE ME SICK?!

Mia opened her mouth wide before talking. “No!” Mia said, trying to clear her name, “I didn’t!”

THEN WHY ARE YOU SORRY?!

“I was feeling sorry for you!” Mia said, trying to calm Lilly down.

Lilly crossed her arms and crinkled her eyebrows.

“No, you’re sorry because,” Lilly said, wagging a finger at Mia, “it was your fault.”

“But...W-W-What?” Mia stuttered, raising her hands in the air submissively. “I didn’t do anything!”

Then, suddenly... Mia woke up, it had been a dream! She was sitting on a chair next to Lilly’s bed, her hand was clutched in Lilly’s, with Kohta asleep, snoring in a chair on the other side of Lilly’s bed. Lilly’s pale face looked back at her with a concerned look on her face.

”Mia? Are you ok? You were talking in your sleep,” Lilly asked.

“Oh, it was nothing...just a nightmare,” Mia said distractedly. She still had her mind on that strange dream.

“Ok, if you say so,” Lilly said, unconvinced.

“Lilly,” Mia said, grabbing her attention, “when did I fall asleep?”

“Oh, around 29 hours ago,” Lilly estimated.

29 HOURS?! I’ve been sleeping for over a day?! How did I fall asleep?”

“You just came in here, I said hello, and you fainted. Did I make you sick and make you fall into a coma?”

“No, no. I feel fine. It’s just that..”

“Hmm,” Lilly said, concerned, “do you need surgery?”

“No, I’m fine! I’m just wondering, why did I faint?”

“Maybe... You were really surprised to see me? Did you think I was dead or something?”

“The nurse told me you woke up, but I wasn’t sure what to believe.”

Lilly smiled. “Oh, that’s ok. I thought I was going to die, too.”

“It’s nice to see you again,” Mia said, smiling .

“You too,” Lilly joyfully said.

Just then, Mia’s eyes widened; she just remembered.

“My parents!” she cried,

“Where are they?”

“I don’t know... I gotta go... They’ll go into conniptions if they find out I snuck into the hospital at night.”

“But they already did,” Lilly said, “I bet you they’re in this hospital right now, looking for you. You did sleep for a whole day, what’s taking them so long?”

“They don’t know where I am.”

“Why?”

“I stole the slip of paper I wrote your room number on,” Mia said, showing off the slip of paper and smiling smugly.

“Mia, behind you,” Lilly said, point toward the glass window past Mia.

Mia looked. She saw her parents, and Mia just stared at them. And her parent just stared right back at her.

They walked toward the door and forcefully pushed it open, making a loud sound that shook the room.

“Now look who’s here,” said Mia’s dad.

Lilly brushed back her hair and glared at Mia’s parents strongly yet calmly.

“Um, you’re looking for Mia? She didn’t do anything wrong,” Lilly said, trying to back Mia up, but the cover failed as Mia’s dad grabbed her nervous and sweating daughter by the collar of her shirt.  

“Don’t ever do that again,” shouted Mia’s dad. “You could have gotten kidnapped or hurt. ”

Mia started to feel bad. What had she done? She was so eager to get into Lilly’s room that she had forgot all about her parents.

***

Mia’s parents ordered Mia to to the car and get back home immediately. When they arrived at the hotel, Mia’s parents led Mia back inside to the hotel.

“You have got a lot of explaining to do, young lady,” Mia’s mom said, “we were worried sick about you.”

“I’m sorry, mom, dad,” Mia said, “it’s just that I was desperate to see Lilly.”

“That doesn't give you license to leave without our permission,” Mia’s dad said.

“You’re grounded,” Mia’s mom angrily said. “No cellphones, no TV, no shopping, all you do is stay in your room and think about what you've done! No food, no nothing!”

Mia was speechless, her parents had never done something like this before.

Devastated and angry, Mia stormed into her room, buried her face in her pillow and cried. She didn't like disappointing her parents, but she just had to visit her best friend or she would burst.

Mia, with nothing to do, laid on her soft and comfortable bed; it was the only soothing thing she had now and slept.

Strange enough, she slept for a little too long...

 

Hi! I like writing and chess and drawing.


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
kamuimaru
kamuimaru
Member since:
November, 2011
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Status: Offline
Posts: 209
I was proofreading and I came across this...

“Oh Lilly! I’m so sorry!”

Lilly opened her eyes wide and stared in disbelief at who once was her best friend. “I can’t believe it,” Lilly said, pointing her finger angrily at Mia, “THIS WAS YOUR FAULT?! YOU MADE ME SICK?!

Mia opened her mouth wide before talking. “No!” Mia said, trying to clear her name, “I didn’t!”

THEN WHY ARE YOU SORRY?!

“I was feeling sorry for you!” Mia said, trying to calm Lilly down.

Lilly crossed her arms and crinkled her eyebrows.

“No, you’re sorry because,” Lilly said, wagging a finger at Mia, “it was your fault.”

lol, that was so random. I don't even know who wrote that or why they did. xD


Hi! I like writing and chess and drawing.


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
shae508
shae508
Member since:
January, 2012
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Posts: 6049
woah! she slept forever. i wonder how long she slept now?

Being normal is so boring~
Why not be insane instead?
Devil

6000th post 9/16/2014 6:13 PM Big Grin


Advice on Writing?

Posted By:
kamuimaru
kamuimaru
Member since:
November, 2011
StarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 209
the story kinda dies out after chapter 10. 

Hi! I like writing and chess and drawing.


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