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Untitled for now..(Unfinished!)

Posted By:
StarAndMoon
StarAndMoon
Member since:
March, 2013
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1337
I wanna know what you guys think before writing the rest..and do you got any ideas for me? smile

I'm Alevria,or Alev,the loner of the school..or that's what people call me. I don't try to listen to them,it's just hard not to when they're screaming it in your face. I don't remember exactly what had caused me to sneak out of my window and run into the woods at 3:00 AM. Maybe it was fact I couldn't sleep? I didn't really know,and I didn't really care either. So I just continued walking through the thick trees,the dim moonlight lighting my way.

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Ginger cat


Untitled for now..(Unfinished!)

Posted By:
flandrescarlet1
flandrescarlet1
Member since:
November, 2011
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Status: Offline
Posts: 14306
Keep going. I like it so far.

Hi I'm Flandre Scarlet but you can call me Flan-chan
Me and Pikachu
Aww....
I'm a vampire that's 495 you got a problem?
~For all people who likes/loves touhou and asks me which touhou pairing I like/love it's MariAli~
Neko Marisa Kirisame is cute. Neko Marisa
Ask me and Beth! Ask!!
I'm not always insane...Flandre Scarlet


Untitled for now..(Unfinished!)

Posted By:
FreelyTomorrow
FreelyTomorrow
Member since:
April, 2013
StarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 156
Ooh, seems interesting! You're really talented. You should really continue!
With a little improvement, you could get published at a really young age.

Okay, just a few tiny problems.

You use "..." a lot. While it does create the oh, so wonderful feeling of suspense, try not to over-use it.

'I never try to listen to them,' I'm no English major, but that line sounds a little odd. Maybe you could try, 'I always try to ignore them' or some other variation. And in that same line, you have "their screaming it in your face." It should be they're, which means they are. 




Untitled for now..(Unfinished!)

Posted By:
StarAndMoon
StarAndMoon
Member since:
March, 2013
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1337

"FreelyTomorrow" wrote:

Ooh, seems interesting! You're really talented. You should really continue!

With a little improvement, you could get published at a really young age.


Okay, just a few tiny problems.

You use "..." a lot. While it does create the oh, so wonderful feeling of suspense, try not to over-use it.


'I never try to listen to them,' I'm no English major, but that line sounds a little odd. Maybe you could try, 'I always try to ignore them' or some other variation. And in that same line, you have "their screaming it in your face." It should be they're, which means they are. 




Thanks for the suggestions,It helped a lot! I'm gonna edit my mistakes now.

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Ginger cat


Untitled for now..(Unfinished!)

Posted By:
FreelyTomorrow
FreelyTomorrow
Member since:
April, 2013
StarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 156
You're welcome c:
And it's perfect now! Absolutely purrfect!


Untitled for now..(Unfinished!)

Posted By:
NachozRule Lock
NachozRule
Member since:
March, 2010
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 8294
She should be some kind of physco, or have supernatural abilities that she gets in the woods.
Or it could be a typical realistic fiction, I guess... maybe.
I hate realistic fictions.

H3H3H3H3 >:]


Untitled for now..(Unfinished!)

Posted By:
NachozRule Lock
NachozRule
Member since:
March, 2010
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 8294

"FreelyTomorrow" wrote:



"NachozRule" wrote:


She should be some kind of physco, or have supernatural abilities that she gets in the woods.


Or it could be a typical realistic fiction, I guess... maybe.


I hate realistic fictions.


"NachozRule" wrote:


She should be some kind of physco, or have supernatural abilities that she gets in the woods.


Or it could be a typical realistic fiction, I guess... maybe.


I hate realistic fictions.


I don't really think you should tell the author what to do, it wouldn't be her story then, would it? It's more fun if it's a surprise, so you should just wait and see. Maybe it'd be better if instead of saying "She should" you could say "It'd be nice if" that way, you can share your idea and not sound as if you're telling her what to do.

Sorry for spamming your story page, by the way. 

Excuse me while I facepalm...

...

Okay.
Clearly it was just a suggestion. she hasn't even got into the second paragraph yet.
If I was demanding, it would be like this:
" MAKE THE STORY ABOUT *blah blah blah* NOW!!!!11!ones "

H3H3H3H3 >:]


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