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Posted By:
AnnabethGinny
AnnabethGinny
Member since:
June 2013
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Posts: 81
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Posted over 3 years ago
  Sheila groaned. Today was gonna be another stinky day. 1st off, she had to go to her fathers. Her parents were divorced because Sheila's father put a gun to her mom's head. Whenever Sheila went to her dad's, he threatened to put a gun to her head too! And, not only did he do that, he hit her, and Sheila was forced to say it was accidents!

 thats it for now, but i'll post more 2morrow or sometime.

Posted By:
NachozRule Lock
NachozRule
Member since:
March 2010
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Posts: 8284
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Posted over 3 years ago
plz don't flame me because im giving you advice, im just saying this becuz whenever i give advice people just go and hate me for it.

ok first off you didn't give a proper setting, i know you said you were gonna continue it but it would be nice to know where she was.
okay second we need to know who sheila is,  character introductions always make the story more interesting.
ok and third, you should probably make the next one longer.

H3H3H3H3 >:]


Posted By:
AnnabethGinny
AnnabethGinny
Member since:
June 2013
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Posts: 81
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Posted over 3 years ago

"NachozRule" wrote:

plz don't flame me because im giving you advice, im just saying this becuz whenever i give advice people just go and hate me for it.


ok first off you didn't give a proper setting, i know you said you were gonna continue it but it would be nice to know where she was.

okay second we need to know who sheila is,  character introductions always make the story more interesting.

ok and third, you should probably make the next one longer.

i know, i just am getting to that part. i did a cliffy.

Posted By:
AnnabethGinny
AnnabethGinny
Member since:
June 2013
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Posts: 81
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Posted about 3 years ago
[quote="AnnabethGinny"]  Sheila groaned. Today was gonna be another stinky day. 1st off, she had to go to her fathers. Her parents were divorced because Sheila's father put a gun to her mom's head. Whenever Sheila went to her dad's, he threatened to put a gun to her head too! And, not only did he do that, he hit her, and Sheila was forced to say it was accidents!

 Sheila lives in Ohio. Uniontown, in fact. Though her father doesn't, Sheila does. Why? Her father doesn't want to see Sheila's mom. Anyways, her father's name is Tom. Her mom is Jade. Jade won't take Sheila to Tom's, so she has to take  cab his house. Then she has to endure several hours of beatings, rants, and threats. of course it's me. Sheila thinks. otherwise it could've been one of my friends. If I had one.

Posted By:
Kirsteeeeen
Kirsteeeeen
Junior Mod
Member since:
June 2013
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Posts: 8294
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Posted about 3 years ago
You have a really good story line there. You just need to work on how you actually write the story, like point of view, how it's worded, etc. People don't like to read like you talk. They like to read proper sentences and paragraphs. 


sig


Posted By:
Evea
Evea
Member since:
June 2013
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Posts: 474
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Posted about 3 years ago
I like the story line but you need to work on your writing style.  

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Posted By:
AnnabethGinny
AnnabethGinny
Member since:
June 2013
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Posts: 81
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Posted about 3 years ago
  Sheila groaned. Today was gonna be another stinky day. 1st off, she had to go to her fathers. Her parents were divorced because Sheila's father put a gun to her mom's head. Whenever Sheila went to her dad's, he threatened to put a gun to her head too! And, not only did he do that, he hit her, and Sheila was forced to say it was accidents!

  Sheila lives in Ohio. Uniontown, in fact. Though her father doesn't, Sheila does. Why? Her father doesn't want to see Sheila's mom. Anyways, her father's name is Tom. Her mom is Jade. Jade won't take Sheila to Tom's, so she has to take  cab his house. Then she has to endure several hours of beatings, rants, and threats. of course it's me. Sheila thinks. otherwise it could've been one of my friends. If I had one.

  "Okay, Sheila, breath. Maybe, maybe, he won't hit you today." Sheila said to herself.

 "WHAT?!?!?!?!" Cried a voice. "HE HITS YOU!!!"

 "Mom! Uh, er, no! I was practicing for the play!"

 "Really?"

Posted By:
Aarjan
Aarjan
Member since:
April 2013
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Posts: 1917
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Posted about 3 years ago
Approve your style of Telling The Story.

the rest is silence 


Posted By:
LadyRainicorn
LadyRainicorn
Member since:
August 2013
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Posts: 940
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Posted about 3 years ago
Loves it! Your writing style is OK......but after all, you're only on a website and it's not like you're reading a novel. You can't expect grade-A from beginners.  I, mean, sometimes it is, but it's not super-common. So don't feel bad and just try harder. Love the story itself, just wish you gave us more each time.


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