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Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

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Member since:
June 2013
Posts: 81

  Sheila groaned. Today was gonna be another stinky day. 1st off, she had to go to her fathers. Her parents were divorced because Sheila's father put a gun to her mom's head. Whenever Sheila went to her dad's, he threatened to put a gun to her head too! And, not only did he do that, he hit her, and Sheila was forced to say it was accidents!

 thats it for now, but i'll post more 2morrow or sometime.


Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

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Lock e1691472cafece64304be81c5c9c507a93800d3a6cd5948297266277351b71ef
Member since:
March 2010
Posts: 8272

plz don't flame me because im giving you advice, im just saying this becuz whenever i give advice people just go and hate me for it.

ok first off you didn't give a proper setting, i know you said you were gonna continue it but it would be nice to know where she was.
okay second we need to know who sheila is,  character introductions always make the story more interesting.
ok and third, you should probably make the next one longer.

H3H3H3H3 >:]


Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

Thumb
Member since:
June 2013
Posts: 81

"NachozRule" wrote:

plz don't flame me because im giving you advice, im just saying this becuz whenever i give advice people just go and hate me for it.


ok first off you didn't give a proper setting, i know you said you were gonna continue it but it would be nice to know where she was.

okay second we need to know who sheila is,  character introductions always make the story more interesting.

ok and third, you should probably make the next one longer.

i know, i just am getting to that part. i did a cliffy.


Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

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Member since:
June 2013
Posts: 81

[quote="AnnabethGinny"]  Sheila groaned. Today was gonna be another stinky day. 1st off, she had to go to her fathers. Her parents were divorced because Sheila's father put a gun to her mom's head. Whenever Sheila went to her dad's, he threatened to put a gun to her head too! And, not only did he do that, he hit her, and Sheila was forced to say it was accidents!

 Sheila lives in Ohio. Uniontown, in fact. Though her father doesn't, Sheila does. Why? Her father doesn't want to see Sheila's mom. Anyways, her father's name is Tom. Her mom is Jade. Jade won't take Sheila to Tom's, so she has to take  cab his house. Then she has to endure several hours of beatings, rants, and threats. of course it's me. Sheila thinks. otherwise it could've been one of my friends. If I had one.


Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

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Junior Mod
Member since:
June 2013
Posts: 8832

You have a really good story line there. You just need to work on how you actually write the story, like point of view, how it's worded, etc. People don't like to read like you talk. They like to read proper sentences and paragraphs. 


Merry Christmas


Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

Thumb
Member since:
June 2013
Posts: 474

I like the story line but you need to work on your writing style.  

sig


Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

Thumb
Member since:
June 2013
Posts: 81

  Sheila groaned. Today was gonna be another stinky day. 1st off, she had to go to her fathers. Her parents were divorced because Sheila's father put a gun to her mom's head. Whenever Sheila went to her dad's, he threatened to put a gun to her head too! And, not only did he do that, he hit her, and Sheila was forced to say it was accidents!

  Sheila lives in Ohio. Uniontown, in fact. Though her father doesn't, Sheila does. Why? Her father doesn't want to see Sheila's mom. Anyways, her father's name is Tom. Her mom is Jade. Jade won't take Sheila to Tom's, so she has to take  cab his house. Then she has to endure several hours of beatings, rants, and threats. of course it's me. Sheila thinks. otherwise it could've been one of my friends. If I had one.

  "Okay, Sheila, breath. Maybe, maybe, he won't hit you today." Sheila said to herself.

 "WHAT?!?!?!?!" Cried a voice. "HE HITS YOU!!!"

 "Mom! Uh, er, no! I was practicing for the play!"

 "Really?"


Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

Thumb
Member since:
April 2013
Posts: 1900

Approve your style of Telling The Story.

the rest is silence 


Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

Thumb
Member since:
August 2013
Posts: 940

Loves it! Your writing style is OK......but after all, you're only on a website and it's not like you're reading a novel. You can't expect grade-A from beginners.  I, mean, sometimes it is, but it's not super-common. So don't feel bad and just try harder. Love the story itself, just wish you gave us more each time.


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