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Posted over 4 years ago

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Posts: 3048

"TheAverageJC" wrote:

Whoa, i'm really enjoying all of this so far 10/10.


Hehe, thank you :3 



Posted over 4 years ago

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Posts: 3048

"tiredofemgirls" wrote:

glad to be living


lol xD



Posted over 4 years ago

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Posts: 30521

[presses this invisibile like button] smile xD

___________________________
hugebear from gracie and mia
classicalmusicisepicdonethis for me siggy :love thank you

from classicalmusicisepic for mesiggy


hugebearkeep calm and hug ted


Posted over 4 years ago

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Posts: 3048

"hugebear" wrote:

[presses this invisibile like button] smile xD


Thank you Big Grin 



Posted over 4 years ago

Posted By:

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Very nice, my dear. 

I would make this all cool and stuff, but I am far too lazy to do so.


Posted over 4 years ago

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Posts: 3048

"shadgirl1" wrote:

Very nice, my dear. 


thank you :3



Posted over 4 years ago

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Posts: 474

I'll just tell you what you can improve by the first post.

1.                  She tripped and fell into the burning sand while her newly-wed husband chased and fell with her. "I'm so happy this day is finally here." he said as he held her delicate hand. They had met online, about twelve years ago, but they were living states apart. So when Elizabeth turned eighteen, she went to go live with her loving boyfriend in California. They lived together for about five years when Tyler finally proposed. It was a wonderful night, full of laughter, tears, and lots of love. Now they're going on a whole new journey. A journey of even more laughter, tears, and much, much more love. It was going to be wonderful. More wonderful than they'd ever expected. "I know." Elizabeth murmured in a haze. She was imagining the even greater experiences that marriage is going to give her, children. buying their first house... Tyler stroked her hair and looked at her. "We should probably get back. They're probably wondering what we're up to." he said almost hesitantly, then laughed. "Let's stay here a little longer." Elizabeth didn't want to go back to the loudness of the reception that was going on in the private beach area that they had rented for the night. "Okay." Tyler murmured as he pulled her closer and kissed her temple. They both knew they should go back to the party, but it was so much better laying on the beach, together, looking at the gleaming stars above them. They just wanted to be alone.
 
Okay so prologues aren't always necessary. Sometimes you just have to fit that extra information somewhere when there's no way to reveal it throughout the story and other times you use it as a way to start off when struggling with writer's block. It’s really hard to tell when you need one because every story is different. You have to do what is best for your book and your book only.
 Do your story really need one? Everything included in yours can easily be put in a blurb, which your story needs so that your readers will know what it’s about. Instead of editing your prologue, I think you should really get rid of it and write a blurb and then if you still feel like it needs a one, you can rewrite it later.

If not, here is what I think you should consider doing.

You need to separate your paragraphs. All of the text above is clustered together which only makes it incoherent and hard to follow. Your paragraphs should be short and concise.

2.“She tripped and fell into the burning sand while her newly-wed husband chased and fell…
I’m sure you were using a metaphor for hot sand but the way you worded the sentence said otherwise. Because she tripped and fell into burning sand, I thought the sand was actually on fire somehow. It’s all about context clues and of course I understood by the time it was mentioned her husband was happy, that the sand was hot, but a simile would do much better in this kind of sentence.

Also, it'd be best if you didn't open with dialogue. After they fell into the sand the dialogue immediately started without describing the scenery around them and how they got where they are.

It’s not exactly necessary but I think you should include their name in the beginning too, because of the genre you seem to be writing in.

The rest is just out of order, etc.
Revised example:
 
Elizabeth laughed, falling onto the sand as her newly-wedded husband Tyler chased after her, breaking her fall. She jumped slightly, settling into the sand that felt like fire. They had just escaped the loudness of the reception that was going on in the private beach area that they had rented for the night.

The two had met online about twelve years ago but because they were states apart, they settled with a long distance relationship for a while. When Elizabeth turned eighteen however, she was ready to live with her loving boyfriend in California. They lived together for about five years when Tyler finally proposed. It was a wonderful night, full of laughter, tears, and lots of love.

"I'm so happy this day is finally here." Tyler smiled, looking into her eyes.
"I know." Elizabeth murmured in a haze. She was imagining the even greater experiences that marriage was going to give her, children, their first house together. It felt like a dream come true.

Tyler stroked her hair and looked at her. "We should probably get back. They're probably wondering what we're up to." he said almost hesitantly, then laughed.

 "Let's stay here a little longer." She pleaded with her eyes. She wanted to be alone for a moment, watching the sunset with the love her life.

"Okay." Tyler murmured as he pulled her closer and kissed her temple. They both knew they should go back to the party, but it was so much better laying on the beach, together, looking at the gleaming stars above them. 



Also, did I do the math wrong or did they meet at seven years old?

sig


Posted over 4 years ago

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It's really good! :o

Anime Fangirl Nosebleed starts..... NOW


Posted over 4 years ago

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Posts: 555

Awesome Wink Grin

I don't know, you can just put some quote in for me.
-Ann


Posted over 4 years ago

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Posts: 3048

"Everybody's Fool" wrote:

It's really good! :o


Thanks Big Grin



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