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Posted By:
Midapops Lock
Midapops
Member since:
January 2013
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Posts: 1334
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Posted about 3 years ago




One day Alison was looking through her attic. No lets start somewhere else. How about... Alison was moving into her new home. Her mom said it was gonna be the best house ever. Alison isn't comfortable with the new house. She wasn't ready to move on. One day she goes in her attic and sees a book. Who knows what's in it. Here's the beginning

"Mom, this place is big, but it won't satisfy me," Alison complained
"Alice, I know you are not happy about moving, but we had to. We weren't welcomed in our old neighborhood,her mom replied. Alison surveyed her room. The room was colossal, like nothing she'd ever witnessed before. 

The following day, Alison decided to explore their huge, new home. She trudged up to the attic. Everything was enveloped in dirt and dust. Alice spotted a book just inside a crate. It seemed weird and...Well eerie.It had spooky spider-webs all over it. And lots of bugs crawling on it. I shivered and dropped it.


(Editing)

I am a photography lover Big Grin
Eiffel Tower!!
Ahh.
o.o


Posted By:
Jolly-Rancher206
Jolly-Rancher206
Member since:
March 2011
Status:
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Posts: 3210
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Posted about 3 years ago
I really like the idea of a girl becoming trapped inside a book. It's very original; I'd read a book about that smile! I know your editing, but if I could make a few suggestions. This is how I would rewrite it.  Bold is my additions. 

"Mom, this place is big, but it won't satisfy me," Alison complained
"Alice, I know you are not happy about moving, but we had to. We weren't welcomed in our old neighborhood," her mom replied. Alison surveyed her room. The room was colossal, like nothing she'd ever witnessed before. 

The following day, Alison decided to explore their huge, new home. She trudged up to the attic. Everything was enveloped in dirt and dust. Alice spotted a book just inside a crate. It seemed weird and...Well eerie. (what made the book look spooky? elaborate on that!) 

Keep at it!!





Posted By:
Midapops Lock
Midapops
Member since:
January 2013
Status:
Offline

Posts: 1334
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted about 3 years ago

"Jolly-Rancher206" wrote:

I really like the idea of a girl becoming trapped inside a book. It's very original; I'd read a book about that smile! I know your editing, but if I could make a few suggestions. This is how I would rewrite it.  Bold is my additions. 


"Mom, this place is big, but it won't satisfy me," Alison complained

"Alice, I know you are not happy about moving, but we had to. We weren't welcomed in our old neighborhood," her mom replied. Alison surveyed her room. The room was colossal, like nothing she'd ever witnessed before. 


The following day, Alison decided to explore their huge, new home. She trudged up to the attic. Everything was enveloped in dirt and dust. Alice spotted a book just inside a crate. It seemed weird and...Well eerie. (what made the book look spooky? elaborate on that!) 


Keep at it!!






Thank you so much for the ides! Is it okay if I use those ideas you made?  

I am a photography lover Big Grin
Eiffel Tower!!
Ahh.
o.o


Posted By:
Jolly-Rancher206
Jolly-Rancher206
Member since:
March 2011
Status:
Offline

Posts: 3210
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Posted about 3 years ago
No problem, I'm happy to help. Yes, you sure can use it. 


Posted By:
MileyJess
MileyJess
Member since:
May 2013
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Offline

Posts: 7
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Posted about 3 years ago
In a summer evening,when I was reading my fav book HARRY POTTER
I felt sleepy,and then something increased the level of my heart beater
When I found myself not reading a book,but in                      a real matter 
I HAD BEEN LOCKED INSIDE A BOOK..........Oh!That's it!

I was in Hogwarts,in Gryffindor  ,           Which        had  my     super hero
I saw the ghosts,had unbelievable lessons, though      I   was         zero
Quidditch was the best,then Sir Dumbeldore,but For Snape,it's a    NO!
I GOT AMAZING ERaspberryERIENCES THAT YOU'D NEVER THINK!

One day when I was palying Quidditch with       my       very  best  friends
A deathly bludger hit me and gave this story the                                   ends
When I woke up,I found that it's one of the greatest                        legends
THAT I'D HAD AS A DREAM LOCKED INSIDE A BOOK!

Posted By:
Midapops Lock
Midapops
Member since:
January 2013
Status:
Offline

Posts: 1334
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted about 3 years ago

"MileyJess" wrote:

In a summer evening,when I was reading my fav book HARRY POTTER

I felt sleepy,and then something increased the level of my heart beater

When I found myself not reading a book,but in                      a real matter 

I HAD BEEN LOCKED INSIDE A BOOK..........Oh!That's it!


I was in Hogwarts,in Gryffindor  ,           Which        had  my     super hero

I saw the ghosts,had unbelievable lessons, though      I   was         zero

Quidditch was the best,then Sir Dumbeldore,but For Snape,it's a    NO!

I GOT AMAZING ERaspberryERIENCES THAT YOU'D NEVER THINK!


One day when I was palying Quidditch with       my       very  best  friends

A deathly bludger hit me and gave this story the                                   ends

When I woke up,I found that it's one of the greatest                        legends

THAT I'D HAD AS A DREAM LOCKED INSIDE A BOOK!

Nothing personal but may you plssss delete that rndom post?

I am a photography lover Big Grin
Eiffel Tower!!
Ahh.
o.o


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