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Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
Super-Girl16
Super-Girl16
Member since:
December, 2011
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Status: Offline
Posts: 2911

Hi everyone. I like writing poetry in my free time, and I wrote this one some days ago. I'm not sure if I want to publish it in my school magazine, so could you please help me out? Please be very frank and honest, hoping to hear from you soon, thanks!! smile
 

The rest of the night
Was drowned by downpour
Her muffled screams were not to be heard
Her struggles to fight
Her aimless call of help
From her miserable plight
To save her son from the raging winds.
Mother nature could be beautiful
Just as she could be cruel
The hapless mother, in vain,
Trying to save the other
Son of five years got carried away
however hard she tried to save
None could save the poor souls that day
With a shock she realized
Her son  was not alone
She was swept by the winds 
Into the bay.
Pleased, Mother nature?
Killed two souls, alone in the world
As the Mother and Child fell to their death
Leaving a silence through the rumbling thunder
A silence that could not be filled any way.


smile

 

Also, please could you suggest a name?
Thanks again. Grin


Window snap.

Let the storm rage on.♥


Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
sweetpeadoodaa
sweetpeadoodaa
Member since:
August, 2013
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Status: Offline
Posts: 124
I love it.. I would call it Mother Nature but I'm not really the best with titles.. haha! But its an amazing poem, you are a great poet!

I don't really know what to put here


Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
Super-Girl16
Super-Girl16
Member since:
December, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2911

"sweetpeadoodaa" wrote:

I love it.. I would call it Mother Nature but I'm not really the best with titles.. haha! But its an amazing poem, you are a great poet!

Thanks so much!! I was thinking about the same, like 'The Other Side Of Mother Nature' or something like that.
Still, thanks a million, for saying I'm a good poet, but I have a lot to learn, you know!
Thanks again. smile

I would love feedback from others too. Please reply. smile

Window snap.

Let the storm rage on.♥


Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
Jomeimei
Jomeimei
Member since:
June, 2012
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Status: Offline
Posts: 6692
Life's Cruelty 
The Darker of Nature
Silent Destruction

are my suggestions. 

'I know the scariest part is letting go, because love is a ghost you can't control. I promise the truth can't hurt us now, so let the words flow out of your mouth" -The Words, Christina Perri

5000th post 8/3/13


Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
Super-Girl16
Super-Girl16
Member since:
December, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2911

"Jomeimei" wrote:

Life's Cruelty 

The Darker of Nature

Silent Destruction


are my suggestions. 


Thank you so much!
I think Silent Destruction is the best title. 
Thanks again. smile 

Window snap.

Let the storm rage on.♥


Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
membershipgirl
membershipgirl
Member since:
July, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 5530

"Super-Girl16" wrote:


Hi everyone. I like writing poetry in my free time, and I wrote this one some days ago. I'm not sure if I want to publish it in my school magazine, so could you please help me out? Please be very frank and honest, hoping to hear from you soon, thanks!! smile

 



The rest of the night

Was drowned by downpour

Her muffled screams were not to be heard

Her struggles to fight

Her aimless call of help

From her miserable plight

To save her son from the raging winds.

Mother nature could be beautiful

Just as she could be cruel

The hapless mother, in vain,

Trying to save the other

Son of five years got carried away

however hard she tried to save

None could save the poor souls that day

With a shock she realized

Her son  was not alone

She was swept by the winds 

Into the bay.

Pleased, Mother nature?

Killed two souls, alone in the world

As the Mother and Child fell to their death

Leaving a silence through the rumbling thunder

A silence that could not be filled any way.




smile


 



Also, please could you suggest a name?

Thanks again. Grin


Amazing poem, Aatreyee! I love how you set out the structure of the poem too! smile I think your title should be called Survivor, perhaps. c: 


Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
SekaiHeiwa
SekaiHeiwa
Member since:
August, 2013
StarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 298
This is a phenomenal poem! Maybe the title could be Earthly Insanity.

Your awesomeness


Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
Super-Girl16
Super-Girl16
Member since:
December, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2911
Hi everyone and thanks again for your lovely feedback. @Steph - You're exaggerating. Big Grin
Though I really love all of your ideas and each of them could be a great title, I pondered over what title the poem should have, and I have decided on 'The Cruel Mother'.
'Silent Destruction' cannot really be the title because it wasn't really silent. There was thunder, in addition to the mother's cries and pleas.So I think 'The Cruel Mother" should be it.
Thanks again all of you for reading my poem and praising it such a lot. It really means a lot to me. I will keep posting my poems and works, so you too, please keep giving me feedback.
Thanks again. smile

Window snap.

Let the storm rage on.♥


Nameless Poetry- Feedback Needed!!

Posted By:
membershipgirl
membershipgirl
Member since:
July, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 5530
Big Grin


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