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Should I use this in my book?

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Posted almost 4 years ago

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[This is a part of a book in my series. Lily (the viewpoint character) is watching her boyfriend (Luke) meet her ex-boyfriend (Taylor). They are on a train, and Taylor isn't sure if he recognizes Lily. Just for reference the reason they broke up is because Taylor was a player and told Lily "I never really liked you."]



Taylor stopped and looked at me. "Are you Lily?"
I nodded.
Luke stood up. "Hey. What's your name?"
I could tell his smile was forced. I had already warned him about what Taylor had done to me.
"Taylor. And you?"
"Luke. How did you meet Lily?"
Taylor's eyes darted over to me and back to Luke's shoulder. Neither would look the other in the eye.
"She was in my fourth grade class."
Luke said, "She was in my fifth grade class."
Suddenly, their eyes met and they seemed to be trying to stare each other down.
"Yeah, I've known her a long time."
Silence. We were all silent for a while. They were still staring each other down. Finally I decided to say something, but apparently Taylor thought so too, because he said, "We had a little bit of a row at the end of the year, though."
"If you're talking about the time when you suddenly decided you didn't like me," I started, "And then you just stalked off like you hadn't a care in the world," I was trying to remain calm, but my voice was growing stronger now, "And then that other 'little row' we had the next day, the one in which MY BROTHER AND YOU WERE HAVING A WRESTLING MATCH AND THEN YOU SHOVED ME FOR TELLING INTO TE WALL AND I GOT AMNESIA AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME FOR ABOUT 11 YEARS, well, you should know that I DON'T CARE, and I NEVER CARED,  and nothing you ever said to me made an impression. Ever. And you should know that I never really liked you either."
Taylor blinked several times before saying, "That was an exact quote, wasn't it?"
"Yes, it was. And just so you know, after the next sentence I say to you I'm never talking to you again, because I think it's the last thing you should hear from me. Taylor, I never really liked you."


HERE IS A REVISED VERSION PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS ONE NOT THE FIRST ONE


Taylor stopped and looked at me. "Are you Lily?"
I nodded.
Luke stood up. "Hey. What's your name?"
I could tell his smile was forced. I had already warned him about what Taylor had done to me.
"Taylor. And you?"
"Luke. How did you meet Lily?"
Taylor's eyes darted over to me and back to Luke's shoulder. Neither would look the other in the eye.
"She was in my fourth grade class."
Luke said, "She was in my fifth grade class."
Suddenly, their eyes met and they seemed to be trying to stare each other down.
"Yeah, I've known her a long time."
Silence. We were all silent for a while. They were still staring each other down. Finally I decided to say something, but apparently Taylor thought so too, because he said, "We had a little bit of a row at the end of the year, though."
I sighed. I knew this would come up soon.
"I've been told," said Luke icily.
"You have?" Taylor raised his eyebrows.
Luke scoffed. "I think I have, actually," he said sarcastically.
"And who told you?"
"Lily?"
"But I thought-"
Taylor turned to me.
"I thought you got amnesia."
"I did, for a while. Then I remembered. The whole story. Every bit. Especially the part about YOU NEVER REALLY LIKING ME!"
"What?"
Taylor put on a façade of not remembering and said, "I never said that!"
"Oh, yes you did! Remember? It was May 17... I was making paper snowflakes... I was sitting by the pencil sharpener and the window..."
"Oh, that? That was just minor-"
"THAT WAS NOT JUST MINOR!" I said. "That was cruel, Taylor, cruel, but I think I should tell you, right now, that I NEVER REALLY LIKED YOU, ever, and nothing you ever said to me made an impression, and I NEVER REALLY LIKED YOU."
"Was that an exact quote?" asked Taylor, not looking at me anymore and instead looking at  a spot on the wall between my shoulder and the window.
"Yes, it was. And I don't think I'll ever speak to you again."
And with that, I stalked off.




Okay, was that one better? Or was the first one?

Remembering her comes in flashbacks and echoes


Posted almost 4 years ago

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Posts: 939

It's actually really good. ^^
So I'd say yes, though this bit:

"SpaceKitty14" wrote:

 Finally I decided to say something, but apparently Taylor thought so too, because he said, "We had a little bit of a row at the end of the year, though."

"If you're talking about the time when you suddenly decided you didn't like me," I started, "And then you just stalked off like you hadn't a care in the world," I was trying to remain calm, but my voice was growing stronger now, "And then that other 'little row' we had the next day, the one in which MY BROTHER AND YOU WERE HAVING A WRESTLING MATCH AND THEN YOU SHOVED ME FOR TELLING INTO TE WALL AND I GOT AMNESIA AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME FOR ABOUT 11 YEARS, well, you should know that I DON'T CARE, and I NEVER CARED,  and nothing you ever said to me made an impression. Ever. And you should know that I never really liked you either."

Taylor blinked several times before saying, "That was an exact quote, wasn't it?"
 
Seems a bit rushed near the end, imho, but only because she's suddenly explaining everything that seemed to make them break up in one, quite long, sentence. 

But otherwise, yes it's awesome and you should use it.


Posted almost 4 years ago

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...yea....


Posted almost 4 years ago

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this is great. keep up the good work.smile


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