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Misty Kingdom

Posted By:
StolenBliss
StolenBliss
Member since:
April, 2014
StarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13
Okay so here is a book I'm writing tell me what y'all think
Chapter 1
Angie hit Chrissy with a pillow “Seriously?!” Angie yelled.
“Yes really I'm not kidding you think I would kid about this!” Chrissy said.
Angie hit Chrissy again, “I can't believe Jackson did that!”
“Yeah I know but don't take your anger out on me,” Chrissy rubbed her arm Angie hit really hard at times even with a pillow it hurt.
Angie had dirty blond hair which always had some color of highlights blue green red any color you could think of she could put it in her hair. She had blue eyes that longed for moonlight Angie really liked the moonlight it was one of her favorite things. Also hitting her friend Max a small skinny boy with brown hair and gray eyes. Angie was really tall almost six foot she was the tallest in her class which Angie didn't like. Chrissy had brown hair she always had her hair in pigtails it was really rare that you would see her without pigtails Everyone makes fun of her pigtails behind her back cause she is in 9th grade. She had brown eyes that would always stare at you harshly if you were being a weirdo.
Angie looked around then gazed at Chrissy “You gonna tell Roxie?”
“No. I'm gonna tell Jackson that he needs to break up with her face to face. I shouldn't have to tell her don't you think? I am her friend but I don't think I should have to tell her.” Chrissy said
Angie nodded she wouldn't want to break the news to Roxie either, because she might punch them or land them in the hospital. If telling Roxie something that she didn't like always wear a armor or football padding. because Angie doesn't hit as hard as Roxie punches. Chrissy and Angie still like Roxie though, they are good friends.
“I'm gonna go over to Jackson's house and tell him he has to tell her himself,” Chrissy stood up and grabbed her jacket.
Angie stood up too “I want to see this,” and she too grabbed her jacket.
Chrissy and Angie ran out the door and up the street crashing into a girl with black hair and green eyes. “Oh shot” Angie thought.
"Roxie sorry about that er...” Chirssy said faking a smile.
“Hi guys, um you don't look happy to see me” Roxie said.
Chrissy and Angie looked at each other “Umm well er” Angie said.
“Oh um we got to go we have to talk to our teacher about something we are going to her house,” Chirssy lied of course she didn't want to give anything away.
“Well Ms. Broke's house is this way...” Roxie pointed the way she was heading.
“Oh silly us we got to go to the store first haha” Angie said and edged past Roxie Chrissy followed.
“Well nice crashing into but doing it for real haha” Chrissy said and took off Angie smiled then followed.
“Those too are up to something” Roxie said when they were out of earshot.
Angie and Chirssy ran all the way to Jackson's house, Jackson's house was really big even though it was just him and his parents.
“You know next time just text him” Angie said panting.
Chrissy rang the doorbell. A boy with sand colored hair and hazel eyes opened the door the boy was almost as tall as Angie but not quite there yet he had a uncomfortable look on his face but when he saw that it was only Chrissy and Angie he relaxed.
“Chrissy did you tell her?” He asked.
“I'm not going to tell her, Jackson you need to break up with Roxie your self I'm not breaking up with her for you” Chrissy said and ran away before he could say no Angie follow just as fast. The worst thing he could do now was say no. Chrissy didn't want to risk landing in the hospital. Roxie appeared from a bush near Jackson's house Jackson was still standing in the doorway dumb founded. Roxie turned and looked at Jackson with an evil look on her face Chrissy saw. Okay now the worst thing that could happen was Roxie going to jail. Chrissy ran toward Roxie and grabbed her arm and yelped for Angie. Angie ran to help just then Max saw this and helped Chrissy and Angie keep Roxie away from Jackson. Jackson didn't shut the door he was staring at something. He pointed at something. All of them looked where he was pointed.


Be strong never back down


Misty Kingdom

Posted By:
brunostar
brunostar
Member since:
February, 2012
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13147
i'll read this later

Devil TongueHangoverFrustrated NoseWink GrinCool GrinEnragedHurtAngel Wink




DevilShoutBlushWink GrinCool TongueEmbarrassedGrinClown


Misty Kingdom

Posted By:
iSophie Lock
iSophie
Member since:
April, 2014
StarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 85
I am loving this! Keep up the good work and I am looking forwards to the continuation.


Misty Kingdom

Posted By:
StolenBliss
StolenBliss
Member since:
April, 2014
StarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13
Chapter 2
“Lets go check it out!” Max said letting go of Roxie's arm the best thing to do was to keep Roxie distracted.
“Okay well race you guys there” Angie said and took off.
Chrissy was close behind all of them ran after them two. They all got to where the thing was after jumping over random things and dodging people. When they were all being friends they always tried to get into trouble that was just there thing they were going to get in trouble anyway cause they accidentally pushed a few people over and almost pushed over baby strollers. That's what happens when they found something to check out. A couple people call the police on them when ever they do that they always seem to get out of trouble though.
Max grabbed a stick and poked at the thing “What is that?”
Roxie picked up a rock looked at Jackson was about to throw it at him but threw it at the thing. Big mistake the rock made it open up and made it a vortex that was sucking them in
“OH IF WE LIVE I'M GONNA KILL YOU ROXIE” Angie said grabbing a tree trunk.
Chrissy grabbed onto Angie's foot and Max grabbed onto Chrissy's foot and Jackson grabbed on to Max's foot and Roxie half way into the vortex grabbed onto Jackson's foot.
“CAN'T HOLD ON!” Angie screamed “WHERE IS EVERYONE WHEN YOU NEED THEM!”
Well Angie could hold on but the tree trunk snapped because it wasn't very strong. They were all sucked into the vortex screaming of course holding onto each others feet and Angie holding onto a tree.
They all let go of each other still screaming. Angie was the first to stop screaming.
“How long have we been falling?!”
Chrissy looked at her watch “Oh 20 minutes!”
“We should be dead by now!”
All of the sudden they stopped falling cause they hit the ground. A minute later Roxie started crying. “Roxie what's wrong?” Jackson said.
“We are dead!” Roxie cried and hugged Jackson. She must have forgotten that they were in the middle of breaking up.
Max checked his heart rate “Well I'm not dead at least unless if dead peoples' heart beat” Max opened his backpack “And I don't think dead people can be hungry” If you knew Max you would know that he always had a months worth of food in his backpack he could fit a lot in that small backpack of his. Angie brushed the dirt off herself, Chrissy got up one of her pigtails came undone. “How....” Chrissy started fixing her pigtail “How can you think about food at a time like this we have no idea were we are and you think of food?”
Angie just smacked Max in the back of the head “Well if we are alive we will need food. Don't eat it all, Max.”“Well we would need water more then we need food” Jackson said with Roxie still in his arms.“We will explore, together though cause we wouldn't be able to find this spot again we could get lost” Roxie said wiping her eyes.
They all murmured in agreement and set off. The place was really beautiful with animals they have never seen before. There was small water falls every five feet. There was always grazing animals. “Wow this place is amazing!” Angie said.
“Hey lets go climb that hill we could see for miles!” Max said.
The hill was really tall more of a mountain then a hill it was really rocky as well but they climbed it anyway they had a couple of cuts in their hands when they were almost to the top, Chrissy lost her shoe so she had to go back down and get it the others waited for her where they were. Once Chrissy got her shoe and put it back on and climbed the mountain to were she was they all started climbing again. “Woah,” Jackson said “Is it just me or does that area look like Lord of the rings?”
“It's like divided in half,” Roxie said “Like territories.”
“Hmm if these lands are divided then there must be people unless animals fight each other not naturally like bulls do” Max made a face his thinking face actually.
“Shut up Max but first tell me what you mean,” Jackson said.
“Well either animals are at war or,”
“Or?”
“There is a war between people dun dun dun!” Max said pretending to play the piano when he said 'Dun dun dun'.
Angie smacked him on the back of the head again and mouthed the word “Stupid” and pointed at Max.
Roxie just then screamed she was at the edge of the mountain and was being pulled down “Roxie!”

 


Be strong never back down


Misty Kingdom

Posted By:
FreelyRenee
FreelyRenee
Member since:
February, 2014
StarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 233
I'm just reviewing the first chapter, as I haven't read the other one as yet.
The major problem is that it lacks punctuation. You're omitting a lot of commas and full stops that need to be there. They're absolutely necessary for your story to read well and be understandable. Grammar is a writer's best friend.

"Yes really I'm not kidding you think I would kid about this!" Chrissy said.
This sentence would read better and be grammatically correct as "Yes, really, I'm not kidding! You think Iwould kid about this?" It needs a question sign, commas, a period and you can get the shouting or excitement across by putting the exclamation at the first sentence.

"Angie had dirty blond hair which always had some color of highlights blue green red any color you could think of. . . "

This also lacks necessary punctuation, but what I mostly disliked about this is that it didn't fit. Writers have a silent rule that it's bad to just throw this in there like this. It's not just that it was described this way, but it doesn't fit in with the dialogue at all. There was nothing that made this even relevant at the time. It would have been better if you mentioned that she twirled her hair, then slipped a sentence about how frequently she dyed it. It also continues and throws the story off. Some time in the middle of reading about how the characters looked I lost interest in what had been happening before and therefore lost interest in the plot.

The whole Roxie incident was rushed, rushed, rushed. It was hard to keep track of what was happening because of the lack of full stops and the fact that it was just so sudden how Roxie appeared.

All in all, it does have some potential. A good writer perseveres and learns from their mistakes~



『 Life Is Full Of Common Enchantment Waiting For Our Alchemist's Eyes To Notice』


Misty Kingdom

Posted By:
StolenBliss
StolenBliss
Member since:
April, 2014
StarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 13

"FreelyRenee" wrote:

I'm just reviewing the first chapter, as I haven't read the other one as yet.

The major problem is that it lacks punctuation. You're omitting a lot of commas and full stops that need to be there. They're absolutely necessary for your story to read well and be understandable. Grammar is a writer's best friend.



"Yes really I'm not kidding you think I would kid about this!" Chrissy said.

This sentence would read better and be grammatically correct as "Yes, really, I'm not kidding! You think Iwould kid about this?" It needs a question sign, commas, a period and you can get the shouting or excitement across by putting the exclamation at the first sentence.



"Angie had dirty blond hair which always had some color of highlights blue green red any color you could think of. . . "



This also lacks necessary punctuation, but what I mostly disliked about this is that it didn't fit. Writers have a silent rule that it's bad to just throw this in there like this. It's not just that it was described this way, but it doesn't fit in with the dialogue at all. There was nothing that made this even relevant at the time. It would have been better if you mentioned that she twirled her hair, then slipped a sentence about how frequently she dyed it. It also continues and throws the story off. Some time in the middle of reading about how the characters looked I lost interest in what had been happening before and therefore lost interest in the plot.



The whole Roxie incident was rushed, rushed, rushed. It was hard to keep track of what was happening because of the lack of full stops and the fact that it was just so sudden how Roxie appeared.



All in all, it does have some potential. A good writer perseveres and learns from their mistakes~






Well thank you I'm taking a writing class soon plus I'm 12 so my writing might not be that good I've wrote 2 books before when I was 10 but they aren't as a good story as this one I'll be sure to work on my grammar and punctuation. It's kind of hard for me to figure out where exactly the punctuation goes. Thank you for honesty and what you really think about it.

Be strong never back down


Misty Kingdom

Posted By:
FreelyRenee
FreelyRenee
Member since:
February, 2014
StarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 233
You're twelve? We're the same age, then. But you shouldn't think that being young gets you away from knowing grammar rules. That's twelve years of experience with English, if you look at it that way.

You should read as much as possible, try and notice just where others throw in their commas. Another thing is to say your dialogue out loud. The brain automatically pauses sometimes. As in, "Yeah well" and other phrases. If you've noticed, most people pause before the second word, so it goes "Yeah. . .well". Where your brain pauses, add a comma!

Your absolutely welcome, and I'm open if you ever want critique on a chapter or such.

『 Life Is Full Of Common Enchantment Waiting For Our Alchemist's Eyes To Notice』


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