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The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
Team Audi #46
Team Audi #46
Member since:
May, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 4820
*If you have a suggestion on a story name, to hesitate to say it. It would help greatly because I can't think of anything. :P*

*This my first story period. I haven't posted on FanFiction or anything though I have mulled it over for months now. Please give feedback as that would help greatly with this. And please tell me if you would like for me to continue it or not. THANKS! And enjoy!  smile *

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nobody ever said life was easy. You go through your mundane life hoping for that one little spark that will make your life just slightly easier or... interesting. Once that spark happens, you expect that you will love your life, that you won't regret that you asked for this spark to happen in the first place. That's what you hope. You never expects it to make your life harder than it originally was. Nobody ever does.
 
I know how living through that life is. I had a mundane life. Nothing exciting ever happened. I never asked for something spontaneous to happen in the first place. I was quite content with my life. I never asked for any of this.... But that never mattered.... Because it happened anyways.
 
My footsteps crushing leaves and twigs on the ground. I was still hearing the echoing footsteps from behind me. Multiple echoes. I didn't stop running. Why would I? I would be signing my life away. So I kept running. Hoping that my fatigue didn't catch up to me.
 
"You guys are way too persistent for your own good," I thought.
 
I had been getting chased for hours now. I was hoping that my pursuers would stop and give up. But after a two year hunt, that was wishful thinking.
 
I reached an open area too big for me to cross with them being able to find my exact direction in seconds. I had two options, neither of them really being beneficial. Run. That was the obvious choose. Keep running and hope I could lead them off at a path that would split. Or I could stand and fight again. I fought them before when the initial chase started. I wasn’t ready for this and I nearly lost my life because of it.
 
I was tired of running. I wasn’t going to be able to find a path to lead them off at. I was running in this forest too long for me to know that no such path existed because, they were no paths in this forest to begin with. I just needed a reason to keep running. I never ran from anything before except them. They were the only reason I ever ran from anything. And I hated that with a burning passion.
 
I heard their footsteps getting louder, their boots digging into the dirt securing their grip to prevent falling. I was stand in such a chilled stance. Like I was running this entire time and ready to rip and of their heads off.
 
I finally caught glimpse of what looked like a Kevlar vest. I saw their tactical helmet with their night vision goggles in the down position, showing that they needed it in the pitch dark.
 
“Are you going to finally surrender yourself,” one of the men in the Navy SEALs like outfit asked.
 
“You’re funny. No. I’ve decided to stop running at just end this,” I answered.
 
“So you are going to fight? I never would’ve thought I would see you do that.”
 
“You seem much too surprised to see me fight.”
 
“No. I was thinking we were either going to catch you quickly enough to where you wouldn’t have time to think. Or you would just get too fatigued. But this is much more interesting.”
 
“It’s good to know I can supply some kind of entertainment for you.” I said sarcastically as I got into my Ju-jitsu stance.
 
The man held his hand up in a fist and in two split seconds it morphed to his index and middle finger pointing toward me. And that’s when the first shot was fired, begin the next stint in my life. 

BladeDancer

Beautiful lethality, relentless style


The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
american_brit
american_brit
Member since:
April, 2014
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1432


Nobody ever said life was easy. You go through your mundane life hoping for that one little spark that will make your life just slightly easier or... interesting. Once that spark happens, you expect that you will love your life, that you won't regret that you asked for this spark to happen in the first place. That's what you hope. You never expects it to make your life harder than it originally was. Nobody ever does.
 
I know how living through that life is. I had a mundane life. Nothing exciting ever happened. I never asked for something spontaneous to happen in the first place. I was quite content with my life. I never asked for any of this.... But that never mattered.... Because it happened anyways.
 
My footsteps crushing leaves and twigs on the ground. I was still hearing the echoing footsteps from behind me. Multiple echoes. I didn't stop running. Why would I? I would be signing my life away. So I kept running. Hoping that my fatigue didn't catch up to me.
 
"You guys are way too persistent for your own good," I thought.
 
I had been getting chased for hours now. I was hoping that my pursuers would stop and give up. But after a two year hunt, that was wishful thinking.
 
I reached an open area too big for me to cross with them being able to find my exact direction in seconds. I had two options, neither of them really being beneficial. Run. That was the obvious choose. Keep running and hope I could lead them off at a path that would split. Or I could stand and fight again. I fought them before when the initial chase started. I wasn’t ready for this and I nearly lost my life because of it.
 
I was tired of running. I wasn’t going to be able to find a path to lead them off at. I was running in this forest too long for me to know that no such path existed because, they were no paths in this forest to begin with. I just needed a reason to keep running. I never ran from anything before except them. They were the only reason I ever ran from anything. And I hated that with a burning passion.
 
I heard their footsteps getting louder, their boots digging into the dirt securing their grip to prevent falling. I was stand in such a chilled stance. Like I was running this entire time and ready to rip and of their heads off.
 
I finally caught glimpse of what looked like a Kevlar vest. I saw their tactical helmet with their night vision goggles in the down position, showing that they needed it in the pitch dark.
 
“Are you going to finally surrender yourself,” one of the men in the Navy SEALs like outfit asked.
 
“You’re funny. No. I’ve decided to stop running at just end this,” I answered.
 
“So you are going to fight? I never would’ve thought I would see you do that.”
 
“You seem much too surprised to see me fight.”
 
“No. I was thinking we were either going to catch you quickly enough to where you wouldn’t have time to think. Or you would just get too fatigued. But this is much more interesting.”
 
“It’s good to know I can supply some kind of entertainment for you.” I said sarcastically as I got into my Ju-jitsu stance.
 
The man held his hand up in a fist and in two split seconds it morphed to his index and middle finger pointing toward me. And that’s when the first shot was fired, begin the next stint in my life



The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
american_brit
american_brit
Member since:
April, 2014
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1432
Hmm... not bad. It's a good start smile

Sorry, the highlighting may confuse you. These selected words are ones that seem a bit too redundant. You tend to repeat them a lot. (This, however is an easy thing to fix) Umm... there are few minor problems: 1. Redundancy  2. You change tenses 3. Awkward wording 4. Word Choice

-But! Because you already have a start you just need to do a bit of editing.

Uh... I hope I'm making sense... here's an example:

Instead of “You seem much too surprised to see me fight.”:

I laughed, "And why does this surprise you?"

or...


I laughed, "You seemed much too surprised."

"to see me fight..." isn't really necessary and it creates an awkward sentence. 



The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
Team Audi #46
Team Audi #46
Member since:
May, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 4820
Thanks for the feedback. Honestly, I just made that. I typed it up and posted. I didn't proof read, like an idiot. But I wanted to get it out of the way because I have been holding this off for much too long. So, thank you again for the feedback. I will definitely make those changes. 

BladeDancer

Beautiful lethality, relentless style


The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
american_brit
american_brit
Member since:
April, 2014
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1432
Glad I could help smile

The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
Team Audi #46
Team Audi #46
Member since:
May, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 4820
REVISION

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Nobody ever said life was easy. You go through your mundane existence hoping for that one little spark that will make it just slightly easier… or interesting. Once that spark happens, you expect that you will love your life, that you won't regret that you asked for this spark to happen in the first place. That's what you hope. You never expect it to make your life harder than it originally was. Nobody ever does.
 
I know how living through that life is. I had an ordinary life. Nothing exciting ever popped up. I never asked for something spontaneous to just suddenly occur in the first place. I was quite content with the way I was living. I didn’t ask for any of this.... But that didn’t mattered.... Because it happened anyways.
 
My footsteps were crushing leaves and twigs on the ground. I was still hearing the echoing footsteps from behind me. Multiple echoes. I didn't stop running. Why would I? I would be signing my life away. So I kept sprinting. Hoping that my fatigue didn't catch up to me.
 
"You guys are way too persistent for your own good," I thought.
 
I had been getting chased for hours now. I was hoping that my pursuers would stop and give up. But after a two year hunt, that was wishful thinking.
 
I reached an open area too big for me to cross without them being able to find my exact direction in seconds. I had two options, neither of them really being beneficial. Run. That was the obvious choose. Keep going and hope I could lead them off at a path that would split. Or I could stand and fight again. I fought them before when the initial chase started. I wasn’t ready for this and I nearly lost my life because of it.
 
I was tired of avoiding this any longer. I wasn’t going to be able to find a path to lead them off at. I had been in this forest too long for me to know that no such path existed because, they were no paths in this forest to begin with. I just needed a reason. I never ran from anything before except them. They were the only reason I ever ran from anything. And I hated that with a burning passion.
 
I heard their footsteps getting louder, their boots digging into the dirt securing their grip to prevent falling. I was standing in such a chilled stance. Like I wasn’t being pursued this entire time. Like I wasn’t ready to rip off their heads off.
 
I finally caught glimpse of what looked like a Kevlar vest. I saw their tactical helmets with their night vision goggles in the down position, showing that they needed it in the pitch dark.
 
“Are you going to finally surrender yourself,” one of the men in the Navy SEALs like outfit asked.
 
“You’re funny. No. I’ve decided to stop running and just end this,” I answered.
 
“So you are going to fight? I never would’ve thought I would see you do that.”
 
“You seem as though you aren’t prepared.”
 
“Not exactly. I was thinking we were either going to catch you quickly enough to where you wouldn’t have time to think. Or you would just get too fatigued. But this is much more interesting.”
 
“It’s good to know I can supply some kind of entertainment for you.” I said sarcastically as I got into my Ju-jitsu stance.
 
The man held his hand up in a fist and in two split seconds it morphed to his index and middle finger pointing toward me. And that’s when the first shot was fired, begin the next stint in my life. 

BladeDancer

Beautiful lethality, relentless style


The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
Yeliak
Yeliak
Member since:
May, 2010
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1037
A little more background would help hook the reader. I was kinda confused. This is a sci fi? 


The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
Team Audi #46
Team Audi #46
Member since:
May, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 4820
I wanted to keep the background for a later part. Unless you mean different background. And yes it's about meta-humans.

BladeDancer

Beautiful lethality, relentless style


The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
Yeliak
Yeliak
Member since:
May, 2010
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1037
Ok, can't wait to read more then.


The Outcast - Ch. 1 (First Story)

Posted By:
american_brit
american_brit
Member since:
April, 2014
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 1432
Okay, better smile You still have a few of the same problems. Don't rush a story! Write what comes to you, when it comes.

Hmm... 

Nobody ever said life was easy. You go through it day after day,  just hoping for one little spark that will make your mundane existence easier... or interesting. 

or...

You go through it, hoping for that one little spark that will make it just slightly easier .... or a bit interesting. 

or...

You reword it to your liking! Find something that fits your style of writing.

Once that spark ignites...


But for a simple story this fine. My main issue: You change tenses!

And when the first shot was fired, began the next stint in my life. 

See... ?



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