jake loaded the truck. His adopted father had asked him earlier today but jake ignored him so now he was paying his karma. after about five hay stacks jake's adopted father tould him that it was enough. "finnally!" jake mummbled. Jake walked back inside his house. the sent of warm apples and dairy over welmed him. He like his house and he like his new parents. they weren't dead. jaek walked into his dark room and looked in the mirror. His brown wavy hair curved making him look like justin bieber. "still got it." he said with a chuckle. jake had bright brown eyes and matching hair but he was still very pale. no matter how much he tried to tan it never worked. jake sighed. tomorrow was school and his weekned will be over. "JAKE!" lenda screamed. jake's adopted mother did not like him too much. and jake knew this. "IN A MINUTE!" jake yelled back, trying desperatly to cling to his few minutes off work. "NOW!" she screamed much louder than jake's yell. jake sighed deeply and started toward the kitched. Lenda wanted Jack to do all her chores for her.  The next morning it was raining. Jake loved the rain in a way that he did not under stand. but he still didn't want to stand around in it. Jake got dressed and grabbed his bag. "can i borrow your umbrella?" Jack begged. "NO! i dont need you getting it muddy. besides a little rain won't hurt you, you wimp!" lenda said harshly. jake sighed and walked outside. It would be a mile walk toward the bus stop, including the ocational flash of lighting. jake began toward the stop.  Jake was finnally at the stop! he had only fallen twice and he got hit by a bicycle. but he was fine. jake sat down on the bench and looked around. it was a normal day. trees, bushes, no people. but then jake scanned his eyes at the faintest spot. he could see a girl, maybe 15, his age. suddenly he could see her perfectly. she had long black hair and bright blue eyes that looked like crystals. she was wearing jeans and a black top but jake could see that behind her back she held a back pack. "Hello? are you waiting for the bus?" jake asked. his words stratled the girl. instead of speaking she starred at him. something about her made jake shiver. suddenly she spoke. a sound that could peirce a bullet with cruelness. "Yes." was all she said. but even then Jake knew better than to mess with her. jake was about to say something else when the bus honked. Jack had been so amazed by the girl that he never saw the bus. "Coming!" jake scrambled onto the bus. he saat in the front and looked out the window exspecting to see the girl walk onto the bus. but the bus driver closed the doors and drove off. Jake was suddenly frozen by fear and excitment. "who was she?" he asked himself.                                 (please tell me if i should keep going or not.)

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jake arrived at school. he was still left with the mysterious question but he ignored it. even though he knew karma would bite him back later. At school jake did his routine. Go to classes. stuff books in the locker. eat luch alone. go to after school session (alone). and return to the pile of mud he called home. he had once tried to talk to someone but that did not go very well for him.  jake was already at his second to last thing on his list. which was going to the school's work out area alone.  Jack walked in the builing and turned on the lights. the building was like a basket ball court but with walls and a roof. Jake sighed. he walked over to the bleachers and sat down. this was Jake's time off. but jake was not alone. he heard a ball drop and roll and he jumped up. "Hello?" jake yelled. he was frightened out of his wits and anyone could tell. "Hey man." Tony said walking out of the bathroom. Jake leaned back. here comes trouble. "You work out? or do you just sit around here all day?" tony hissed. jake only sighed. he hated Tony. very very much. "No i just sitt here all day" Jake said. his words were almost as harsh as the strange girls. Tony laughed and walked out of the building. probably about to go tell everyone. as if any one cared.  Jake left a hour later and began walking home. a three mile walk. Jake never uasually stopped to look at things but this time jake vould not keep himself from stopping. the strange girl sat down on the side walk. she was was bleeding and her leg was shapped at a odd angle as if it were broken. Jake rushed to her side. "Hey? are you okay? you need a doctor." jake said rushing over to her. this time the girl smiled and Jake froze. her smile was both the most beautiful and horrible thing he had ever seen. his eyes went wide as if he couldn't break the trance. "i'm fine." the girl spat. Jake was broken free with her words but was also crushed. he knew that she wasn't. "look my name is Jake. i thought we went to the same school?" he said slowly making his way toward the girl. the girl suddenly laughed. and Jake's heart split. he wanted to lay down and die from the pain her laughder had created. his stomach was in knots and his throat had closed itself. But before Jake could try to breath again the girl suddenly stood up. her once broken leg was healed and the blood was gone. this was not normal. "You cant help me. no one can." she said. the words hang in the air thickly. and suddenly the girl was gone. out of thick air. Jake gasped and took off running. straight for home.

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You need to practice commas and full stop where it said 'but' you can put a comma instead of a full stop. OK!

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Good. I liked it but a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. Every statement must begin with a capital letter. And instead of "...out the window" you need to write "...out of the window" and so on. Read more books and learn passages by heart. That helps much.

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????????????????????? okay then. and in the books i read they put full stops. and i know i have a lot of grammer mistakes but this is pretty much like texting! and none of u said if i should continue or not?                   SHOULD I CONTINUE OR NOT!

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Jake ran home and sat on his bed. His breathing was slow, but his mind was racing. Who is the strange girl? What is she? Why is she so pale? How did she do that to her leg? How did she fix her leg? WHO IS SHE? Jake shook his throbbing head. "JAKE GET DOWN HERE NOW!" His step-mother screamed. Jake grimaced as he slowly walked down the stairs. "Yes?" He said almost whispering. His mother frowned. "Pick up your bloody bag! and take your shoes off! and for crying sakes, STOP SLOUCHING!" She yelled. Jake did all the things except for slouching, which he continued sadly. "That will be all." She snarled. Jake ran up the stairs and began his homework. Something he for once was happy to do.     Two weeks went by, without a sign of the girl. Jake was losing hope that he would meet her until Friday. Jake walked bitterly to school, He was not exspecting the girl to show up, but he was waiting at the bus stop. Jake looked at the usuall spot he saw the girl but she was not there. Jake sighed. "Whats wrong with you?" A unfamiler female voice called. Jake turned around to see the girl, her eyes the color of the sky. Jake jumped back in confusion. "Where have you been? Who are you? What are you?" Words babbled out of his mouth. The girl didn't flinch or blink, she just stood there. Her face darkened in a way that told Jake to back off, But Jake stepped forward. "Answer me!" He yelled. This time the girl smiled cruely. "I have been busy. And why do you even care?" The girl said coolly. Jake flinched. "Busy how?" He said. The girl laughed. "I have been out, killing thing." She said. Jake backed off slowly. "why have you been standing here?" Jake forced out. Suddenly the girl smiled and vanished. Out of thin air, she was gone. "AHH!" Jake yelled. suddenly the bus honked and Jake scrambled abourd. Jake knew that the girl was hidding something from him, but what? probably the fact that she was not human, But Jake knew that. And he was okay with it. At least he thought he was.  At school Jake did his usaul work and went home. This time Jake took a short cut that led through town, trying to stay away from the mysterious girl. The short cut was long but he thought it was worth it. He was wrong.   Night sat and Jake was still in town, but he was almost out. He passed a small shop with antigues and fascanating swords. Without a word he walked into the shop and looked around. "Wow, these are amazing." He said. There was a lot of intresting things but the thing that caught his eye was a large sword. it was beautiful, but way too much for Jake. Jake walked back out if the store and down a long alley. At first it was desserted but then kids a little older than Jake spread about. Jake was surruonded. "Is there a pp-problem?" Jake asked. The oviouse leader smiled. "Not at all." He said. His clouded face came into view and Jake gasbed at his pointed rows of shark like teeth. Also not human. Jake flipped his head back and fourth before he charged the people behind them. Strong, inhuman, hands grabbed his shoulders, seizing him in place. Jake yelled. And then things got intresting.                                      to be continued..........................  

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