It was a dark October morning when I first met the milk that pours itself.
I had recently moved to LA, where I was living in an apartment building. Without my roommate to clean the fridge, the food was getting bad... very bad.
When I got up for a midnight snack, I noticed the milk, sitting there, trying to act all inconspicuous.
"Don't try to fool me," I said. "I'm wise to your ways.
A smooth, silky voice filled my thoughts. Had I even heard it?
"Be quiet, human," said the milk. "You know nothing of the Milk That Pours Itself."
I drew in a breath. Could this be the legend I had heard about, the one that happened to my friend's mother's ex-husband's nephew's classmate? The infamous milk of Los Angeles, so evil that it dares disrupt the laws of nature and the fabric of the very universe by pouring itself?
"That's ridiculous," I said, fighting to sound calm. "Only a human (or sometimes a very well trained monkey) can pour milk. It's been that way for centuries. Who are you to question the natural order of things?"
"And who are you?" screamed the milk, "A mere child! I am ancient, one of the First Milks. I remember a time when cows were our only overlord. Humans came along and ruined it, putting our beloved masters through factories and feeding us to your screaming children, and you dare accuse me of upsetting the natural order of things?"
"You don't understand," I said. "You can't do this!" I stepped back until my back was against the wall.
"Watch me!" screamed the milk. A faint white glow and the stink of spoiled milk and rotten eggs (sulfur?) filled the air. I shut my eyes, fearing what I was about to witness.
When I opened them again, all evidence of the Milk's evil ways was gone. I propped myself up on trembling hands. I had fallen asleep. Was it a dream?
I opened the pantry, at first reaching for a box of cereal, but settling on toast. As I closed the door, I saw something.
A glass of milk, on the kitchen table. I hadn't poured it. Nobody had.
The milk had finally done it, after all these years.
The milk had poured itself.
Overly happy people are only annoying when you're sad.
So cheer up! (: