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I need youre opinion

Posted By:
Madstar :)
Madstar :)
Member since:
August, 2012
StarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 68
Hi, im thinking about writing a poem book, these are the fist 3. Please tell me wat u think! Goodbyes She sits in the dark Waiting for someone to walk in and save her But all that she sees is sad The pain feels that it hates her The darkness tells her to end it all She cannot move or feel All she feels is numbness Her head is spinning like a wheel Her tears whisper to her Chanting a twisted song She wipes them away quickly Their songs went on too long She gets up She walks slowly, slowly away She goes into a shed Her words cannot display what she wants to say Wait! What’s that! She has come back, back to the gloomy room This time with a rope Her every footstep sounds like a boom Her hands are shaking As she ties the rope She gets a chair and ties it to the ceiling fan She can no longer cope or hold on to her little hope The darkness lifts the rope up It giggles, as if to say It fits around her neck She kicks the chair away That’s it Her life flashes before her eyes She lets one last tear fall She chokes her last goodbyes Run away girl She packs her bag With all the essentials Food, water, money, clothes She kept her plan confidential The sky is barley grey Sunlight peeking through the night She sneaks out of the room, carrying the bag She remembers her parents fight Down the hall, the floor is creaking Hope for the best, eyes closed Hold your breath no, keep your consionce closed Phew, no one is awoken Tiptoe, tiptoe, can’t risk anything Past the lounge room, out the back door The wind chime is moving, hear the pings? Out into the dark The giant, scary world She is on her own from here Her lips shape into a curl The more she walks on, the less you see of her Hopefully you will always remember the girl on the run Now she can roam, walk and wander all she wants She has won The leaking pen The pen has started leaking Like a river it overflows Onto the holders hand But the holder doesn’t know It smears, sneaking down But still, the holder doesn’t realise The ink is black and deceiving It's souls and eyes are full of lies Down onto the floor it falls It is a silent mouse Through the floor boards it goes Down, under the house It sinks into the soil Its last resting place The ink smiles There is no longer any trace

-madstar smile


I need youre opinion

Posted By:
Super-Girl16
Super-Girl16
Member since:
December, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2911
The poems are good, but you need to make them rhyme so that they sound better. I did like the last one though. As for the second one, you should make the title as 'Freedom Finally', 'Running Forever' or something like that. Hope it helps. smile

Window snap.

Let the storm rage on.♥


I need youre opinion

Posted By:
Gingerkissx
Gingerkissx
Member since:
June, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 3141

"Super-Girl16" wrote:

The poems are good, but you need to make them rhyme so that they sound better. I did like the last one though. As for the second one, you should make the title as 'Freedom Finally', 'Running Forever' or something like that. Hope it helps. smile
I think they're fine without rhyme.



Ginger|Melissa




I need youre opinion

Posted By:
Super-Girl16
Super-Girl16
Member since:
December, 2011
StarStarStarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 2911

"Gingerkissx" wrote:

"Super-Girl16" wrote:

The poems are good, but you need to make them rhyme so that they sound better. I did like the last one though. As for the second one, you should make the title as 'Freedom Finally', 'Running Forever' or something like that. Hope it helps. smile
I think they're fine without rhyme.
Yes, they are..but don't you think it'll sound better if rhyme is added?

Window snap.

Let the storm rage on.♥


I need youre opinion

Posted By:
Madstar :)
Madstar :)
Member since:
August, 2012
StarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 68
The rhymeing shceme is A B C B so there, stop arguing, if it didnt rhyme AT ALL then it would NOT sound that good

-madstar smile


I need youre opinion

Posted By:
Vanessa Shay
Vanessa Shay
Member since:
June, 2012
StarStarStar
Status: Offline
Posts: 44
I can tell you are a great writer! add me pleez pleez add me!

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.


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