Elloi.

I watch you as you come stumbling in the house

yelling frantically, trying to spit out everything in your head

in one syllable. Nothing making sense, nothing having a meaning.

Your eyes are focused on nothingness. You contort your face

as if you're concentrated on finding what it's all about, but you give up.

Stopping your slur of monologue, you freeze like a victim. I can already

hear it gurgling in your throat. I know what's coming so I dash into my room,

slamming the door silently. As if I was standing right next to you, I hear you stutter,

"Elloi."

I shutter at the name. It's like I took a giant gulp of three month old sour milk, and

held it in my mouth for as long as I could before swallowing. It's kind of pathetic to

hate my own name, but I was basically forced to. You give my name such

a piteous meaning. But it's the only thing I have that I'm just a little bit proud of.

In the midst of my thoughts I hear you staggering all the way towards your room,

opposite from mine. I'm hoping that you will forget about me tonight, and just

slam into your bed like you're a falling tree. Ever heard the saying, "If a tree falls,

and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" It sure does. I'm a no

one, and the petrified tree across the hall just spoke,

"Elloi."

I wonder if you ever think about me. I wonder if you remember all the things you used to

do before the accident. I wonder if your life will get any better. I wonder if you

will forgive, but not forget. I wonder if you're sorry. I wonder if it was all an accident. I

wonder if you know that I'm still with you. I'll always be with you. I float into your

bedroom hours later, staying safe and knowing that you're asleep. I stare at your chest

rising slowly, falling slowly. I look down at mine. Nothing is moving as usual. Sadly,

I want to be more like you. Be able to feel the comfort of the bed, breathe, feel the

cool air from the fan above you, cry, feel the sweat dripping from your temple, walk.

I start 'walking' back to my bedroom when I hear a sharp voice coming from the bed,

"Elloi."

You stare right at me. It's like you're looking at nothingness again. I want to scream and

shout, "I'm here daddy! I'm here!" But you just fall back asleep. I creep back to my room,

not even bothering open the door. There's no use. I stare at the mirror for the longest time.

I look at myself, and I look at my 7th grade picture I took two years ago. I look back at

the mirror. I say,
"My name is Elloi. I am deceased."