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I needa get some stuffs off my chest

Posted about about 2 months ago by Happy202

*sighs* I usually don'y talk talk about this , unless it's in poem form. I always write better in poem.
But, today I've decided I want to talk about it because I don't have anything to write for a blog.
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I feel like my user-name is kind of a joke at this point, because I'm really not, 'happy'. I mean, I was when I first joined. But not anymore.
And I feel like it's weird that I'm writing this because I always get annoyed when those people say, "Oh, I'm so depressed, this this and that." And I get it, you want to find help or something. But half the people that say that just want attention.
But that's not the point of this rant. The point is, I have some things I want to get off my chest.
And I'mma just say it, this is the dumbest thing I've ever done. But, I've taken those online, official depression tests to self diagnose myself. And they always say I have 'severe depression'. And I may not be able to prove this, but I take my time and answer every question according to how I truly feel. I don't just choose an answer because I know it'll show me the answer I want.
I haven't gone to a doctor to actually get tested, and I'm scared to ask my mom about it because she'll laugh at me and tell me, "You don't know what depression is like," and roll her eyes again.
Who knows, maybe I'm just sad for no reason and I'm using depression as an excuse.
Do you need a reason to be depressed? I dunno.
And you know, I do self harm. And when I write about it everyone always tells me to stop and shit. But I never do, because I have such a deep hate for myself that the only time I ever feel good about myself is when I self-harm. Because I feel like I deserve everything bad that happens to me. Because I'm just.. . . a terrible person that doesn't deserve the good life that I have, or the amazing people in it.
And I've thought about doing suicide, I've come up with elaborate plans of what I'm going to do, what my note is going to be, what time, day, and where.
but it's like, I want to commit suicide, but at the same time I'm scared to die. because I also think a lot about what future I want to have.
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Well, that's all I have to say for this rant. I think I'll edit this and write more later, Until then, thanks for reading another issue of: Happy rants!