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Dear Dish-It: Trust Issues & Fake Friends

Nov 20, 2014

Got a question? Ask Dish-it. 

Question:

Heyyy, so I dunno if u can help but I think m going through a teenage crisis. I feel like I'm so lost right now. I can't trust anyone that I used to. It seems like all the people I used to trust were either fake or they've lied and betrayed my trust. I know some of them intended to help me but they kind of broke promises we made. They've said stuff and they said they did it coz they care but I just feel like that isn't a good enough reason. I feel like I don't know who people are anymore. It's like all humans are fake or something? Help?

Dish-It says: 

Let's start by taking a big breath in. Close your eyes, open your palms face them up and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly, four of five times. 

That's a lot going on I agree. Let's work out some solutions together. 

Kidzworld, meet Maslow

 I want to address your question by breaking it up into sections. 

1. Feeling Lost: It's very normal to feel out of sync and lost when things are constantly changing around you. There was this really smart physiologist dude named Abraham Maslow who lived in Brooklyn New York - he developed a theory that helps us understand the things we need to feel safe, secure and empowered. Abraham taught us that there are 5 levels to a wholehearted life. 

  • Physiological Needs - The most basic of things.. having a home, enough food to eat, water to drink. 
  • Safety Needs - Parents/Family to support you, safe environment to live in at home & at school. 
  • Belonging and Love Needs - Feeling like you fit in somewhere, that you have a trusted friend, exploring more intimate relationships, possibly developing new peer groups that bring out the best version of you. Essentially seeking an environment that allows you to be you. 
  • Esteem Needs - This is a sensitive area. Popularity reigns and people often equate popularity with worth. We seek to be accepted for who we are and to avoid feeling rejected or neglected. We spend a lot of time thinking about how others see ourselves here. 
  • Self Actualization - This is an important place - often we are trying to figure out who we are. What makes us special, unique and awesome? This is where we realize our capabilities and learn new abilities. This is self discovery mixed with self love. 

Usually when we feel lost it's because one of the levels are out of sync. It sounds like you don't feel like you belong with those friends anymore? 

2. Fake Friends: Your real friends generally don't let you down. That's not to say that they never will because things happen and we all make mistakes from time to time - but generally your real friends are there for you. They support you, never betray your confidences and will be there as you need them... as you are for them. 

3. Good Communication: This is a very important skill as we grow up. It's really hard and at the same time really important to learn how important our voice's are. We need to be confident, so we must practice being confident in talking our own truths. I notice that often, really often things get blown hugely out of proportion because we either assume people know what we need from them or expect something without clearly defining what that is that we want from them. In the case with our friends - we do that a lot. I suggest talking with your friends, tell them the truth about how you feel - use I messages (not on your iPod or phone) in your words.. "I feel" rather than "you made me feel".

4. Self Care: Let's talk about the breathing exercise we did at the beginning of this article. That's an example of self care. Also realizing that you are important. If someone continuously makes you feel let down, it's okay to let them go. You are important and loved and you deserve great honest people in your life. Think about something you love to do, and then do it. When you are happy, you will attract happy people into your life. New Friends, new experiences. When the going get's tough - remember - Just Breathe. 

I'd love to hear what you think? Do you agree with this advice? How would you handle this situation with your friends, share your thoughts in the comment section. 

Until next time.. xo Dish-It

 

50 Comments

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Do Your Friends Treat You Well?

  • For sure. My friends are really great.
  • Most of the time - we all have our bad days.
  • No. I really should look for some new friends.
  • I don't really have many friends.

Dear Dish-It In The Forums

Wonderfulcalico
My parents have always been aggressive and abusive and I only just noticed it a couple months ago. Over time they've gotten worse (specifically my mother). Whenever she gets mad she'll yell at us and if she gets mad enough she'll hit and push us around. Whoever we get into arguments it's always one- sided and she always wins, even if she knows she is wrong. An argument we had not to long ago was about me not taking care of myself. She looked at my hair and started to touch it and told me "Your hair isn't soft why is it so dry, it's probably because you aren't taking care of your hair." Then she goes on to tell me that she's going to cut it and all of this other stuff when she knows I'm conscious about me looking like a boy ( Used to get called a boy for having short hair). As the argument goes on, I start to tell her things that she knows she is wrong about. She proceeds to yell at me then grabs me by the face and say "If you don't lower your tone and listen to what I'm saying I'm going to knock you in the head." Then she goes on to tell me she remembers nothing I was saying and that it's a lie. She also hit me when I didn't clean the laundry room correctly and whenever she gets fed up. I'm constantly having to watch what I say and do, because I'm scared that I'm going to end up hurt. She also likes to degrade me and tell how bad I'm doing. She's said plenty of thing like when I didn't have my bed covers tucked in she yelled at me and hit me and I said "Do you expect me to just stand here and take this", and she replied saying "That's what you are supposed to do you are the child and I am the adult, you take whatever I do until I'm done." Another time is when I had my band concert and I had to pick out the right attire. When we went shopping to get the clothing I chose slacks when she liked a skirt better, we went on to fight in the store and she bought the slacks. When we got home she said to me that real girls wear skirts and dresses and boys wear slacks and pants. This hurt me because she knows I have a past with people telling me I look like a boy etc. Another time I started to sleep on the floor, because I was practicing a minimalist life. When I left my pillows on the floor she found it and questioned me on why they were there. I told her it fell of my bed when really I left it there. Later when I told my dad, he told her and she got mad because I was getting cat hair on my pillows. She then proceeded to ask why I lied and I told her sometimes lying is better then the truth (I knew she would get mad that I was sleeping on the floor so I lied) then she told me that I was never going to have a relationship, a job, or friends ( This hurt me because I don't have friends now). She's also said that I don't take care of my body because I ate two sweets in one day which lead her to banning me from Doritos and now I have to ask to get chips and any other snack. She's told me I don't take care of my teeth because I have yellow spots from using whitening toothpaste with braces on. She's told me I don't take care of my hair so I can't wash it or do any hair style or then a bun. She had lead me to starving myself (Unless she makes me eat) and cutting myself. I've just stopped caring, because what ever I do is always wrong. I never get a choice in my activities, she controls my life in fact she me just in a different body. But what is even worse is that she's turning my dad into her. Now I have a scheduled time to eat breakfast and lunch, and to go onto my electronics. I feel like I'm in a prison with my parents constantly watching over me, in fact yesterday when I was pouring my milk my mom got out a measuring cup and poured my milk into the measuring cup and said "Why isn't this a full cup" and I replied saying "Because I don't measure my milk." Then she got angry at me. There's so much I could say about her, but I'll stop. Anyways my father is always sarcastic and he doesn't realize how much it hurts me. Today I was cleaning out my bag for next school year and my dad came in and said, "Wow, you aren't even dress yet and I had to come up here to tell you how sad." Just little things like that hurt me. My little sister got mad at me last week for sitting in a certain area and she said " Why are you sitting there," and I didn't reply because I didn't want to speak to her and she then said, "Probably because you are too stupid to answer." I wanted to break down crying then and there, but I kept it in. I've limited my talking to her, because all she does is break me down. Like when there was a Proactive commercial and she said, "Ha, you need that." That hurt me because just the other my mom was telling me how I don't take care of my face and that's why I have acne. My older sister and I barely talk, because whenever I try to talk to her she's mad for what ever reason and when my parents were talking about hitting my sister she was in the corner laughing. My cat Preston is very young and I got hi,abo a year ago. I get very sad and often cry, because I've seen him turn out scared and aggressive just like me because he's been through what I have. One time he pooped in a clothes basket (It's right next to his litter box) my mom grabbed him by the neck and hit him while she smothered his face in his poop, all while yelling at him. I was going to call the Animal Protective Services, but I got too scared and I realized how lonely I would be. Please help me I'm not sure what to do anymore. Also sorry for the very long post!
reply 2 days
Error101
Error101 posted in Family Issues:
Dear Kkmr324, I hope you get to feeling better as time goes on.  It does get better but like you said you can't actually get over it.  Losing someone to cancer is awful and I have never lost a friend and I hope I never will and I am so sorry that you did, but I have lost family to cancer and it is horrible.  I hope your okay. :(
reply 4 days
Kkrmr324
Kkrmr324 posted in Family Issues:
A few months ago,my friend Kendall died of cancer. It was really hard to "get over it"; because really you dont just get over it. One thing i did was find a bunch of pictures of me and Kendall and remembered all the fun we had together. And it helped! I still miss her, but good friends and family helped with that.
reply 6 days
Kkrmr324
Kkrmr324 posted in Family Issues:
A few months ago,my friend Kendall died of cancer. It was really hard to "get over it"; because really you dont just get over it. One thing i did was find a bunch of pictures of me and Kendall and remembered all the fun we had together. And it helped! I still miss her, but good friends and family helped with that.
reply 6 days
Tennis123
why are you allowing that to control your happiness? why can't you have true happiness instead of chasing some dream for momentary satisfaction? You're 12. This is when your core beliefs, values, and outlooks on life start. Don't mess it up choosing to be sad over something like that.
reply 7 days