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Posted By:
Otakuartist
Otakuartist
Member since:
April 2014
Status:
Offline

Posts: 2
Star
Posted about 2 years ago
I'm starting a new story and I need feedback because I have writer's block right now Worried. This is the first chapter....

TAP! TAP! TAP!
Room  17. Where could it be?
TAP! TAP! TAP!
Ow, my head!
TAP! TAP! TAP!
Maybe it’s there. THUD!
       When I woke up there was a distant voice calling to me, “Are you ok?” As I sat up a hooded boy stood in front of me. I looked around trying to fit the pieces together.  The hooded boy started to talk, “You fainted.”  I nodded. He pointed to my eyes and added,”You look like a zombie.” I nodded. I scanned the room even more not knowing what was happening. I was in a bleach-white room with a gigantic window next to me, and infirmary. The sunlight blinded me, and then it hit me.
       “My bag, where is it!” I screamed. My loud voice took the boy by surprise and caused him to step away. I looked around but I couldn’t lift my head up.” My money, clothes, and things from home are there. That’s all I have.” I looked around even more, and as I was about to run out I spotted the same beige bag I had with me hanging from his arm.
       As I was about to jump for it he pulled back and ran. He left screaming, “I’m sorry I need this!” I sat there staring into the vast window in front of me wondering, “What in the world just happened!”

~SMILE


Posted By:
american_brit
american_brit
Member since:
April 2014
Status:
Offline

Posts: 2726
StarStarStarStarStar
Posted about 2 years ago
So far, not bad smile The character's seem pretty believable. (not that we've seen much of them yet). There are only very minor problems such as, and infirmary instead of an infirmary, grammatical errors (but honestly, everyone makes those. It's the content that counts), and a couple words you left out.  A few of the sentences could be worded a bit differently: I continued to look around instead of I looked around even more (you can probably come up with something even better, its just a suggestion -one that I came up with quickly and probably wouldn't use myself...). But nice! I like it. Keep writing, I want to read more.

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask
What If I Fall?


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