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Dear Dish-It: I Don’t Want To Lose Either Of Them

Dear Dish-It,

I told my friend I liked him but it turned out he didn’t like me back. I was so embarrassed and it took a month for us to be friends again. Then I found out my friend Sam liked me and we went on date. I accidentally mentioned my old crush and Sam got all huffy and jealous. And when my former crush found out about the date, he said he hates Sam. I want us all to be friends, so I confronted him about it. But when I tried to find out what was wrong, he just said he’s been thinking about me. Now I’m really confused. Why didn’t he just say he likes me when I told him I liked him? And I’m scared of losing either of them.


Help!


Dear Help!


Sounds like you’ve found yourself smack-dab in the middle of a love triangle. Meaning, two guys like you and are vying for your attention and affection and, in the meantime, hating each other. It’s a tough situation to be in, especially if the three of you used to be good friends.


Unfortunately, love is a powerful feeling and emotion that can get in the way of everyday friendships. I totally understand that you don’t want to make anyone feel hurt or angry and that you want everyone to be nice to each other and be friends, but I’m afraid it isn’t up to you this time. In terms of the two guys in your life being friends, I’d forget about that for the timebeing. It’s something they will have to sort out themselves, without your help. It’s just not your responsibility to make everyone around you get along.


As for your feelings, you need to follow your heart. And when I say that, I don’t mean you should follow it blindly. Remember, the first guy you were crushing on told you he didn’t like you back when you first admitted to him that you had feelings for him. Is there any possibility he has changed his mind only because he sees you with another guy?


There’s an old saying that goes: “You always want what you can’t have.” I may be wrong, and he may have genuinely changed his mind about his feelings for you, but to me it sounds like your first crush only decided he wanted you when he could no longer have you – that is, when you started dating another guy. For this reason, I’d be careful if I were you. People don’t really change too often or too easily, and there’s a strong possibility that once he does have you again, he won’t want you any longer. He may just be one of those guys (and there are lots of them out there, and girls, too) who loves the thrill of the chase.


The other guy you went on a date with, according to you, is a really nice guy. But he said some pretty mean things about your old crush, didn’t he? Being jealous when it comes to boyfriend-girlfriend (romantic) relationships is pretty normal, but not necessarily a good sign for what’s ahead. He may not only get jealous when you simply mention another guy’s name, he may take it further in the future and not want you to hang out with any other guys, even if you’ve been friends with them for years. I’d ask him how he truly feels about this, and make it clear to him that, if the two of you do decide to stay to together, you will be keeping your friendships with other guys and he needs to be OK with that.


So I would be careful. Look into your heart and try to figure out what’s most important to you. Maybe neither of these guys is really the one for you. Maybe they’re really just friends, and someone else who has more of the qualities you are looking for an deserve will come along eventually. Also know that once you cross the romantic line with a friend, it’s very hard to go back. Dating either one of your friends may mean that, if you do break up in the future, you won’t be able to be friends anymore. You need to decide if that’s a chance you’re willing to take.


So, ya gotta burnin' question? Need some love directions? Thinkin' 'bout stuff like depression, sex,how ya feel 'bout YOURSELF (that's called "self-esteem"), boyfriends, girlfriends, losin' old friends, bullyin' or peer pressure, but too scared to ask the parents? Don't be scared to Dish-It here. Send all of your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com But 'member, if ya hang out in Chat with other Kidzworld members who know ya by your 'username', ya might wanna use a secret nickname when ya write in. That way no one'll ever know it's you. And, just in case ya don't know, Dish-It gets a lotta letters everyday, and she can't answer 'em all. So keep checkin' the column cuz she's prob'ly answerin' somethin' very similar to your question while you're out doin' somethin' else. K? And Thanks! Ya keep her outta trouble. Oh! And if ya've got words of wisdom you wanna share,We'll dish 'em up, too.


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  • 2 Comments

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    Dear Dish-It in the forums

    lelnah
    lelnah posted in Friends:
    "Tldc_Julisha" wrote:I'm in the popular group but im trying to figure out if maybe its time to stop being in the popular group or notI like being in the group but at the same time I don't because-The other girls in the popular group are kind mean to othersThey make fun of people who don't wear what we wearThey push/shove people into lockersIs it time to leave the popular group or should I stay there??? Of course not! What kinds of people just go through their everyday lives shoving good kids into hard metal lockers? It's not right. I would never associate myself with a group like that. What kind of popular is that, shoving kids into lockers?  
    reply 21 minutes
    Hannah728
    Hannah728 posted in Friends:
    Ok i have the same problem with every guy! I have a crush on the cutest guy and i think somebody else likes him! And i mean like for sure think that they like him!
    reply about 3 hours
    classicalmusicisepic
    "shae508" wrote: "classicalmusicisepic" wrote: my friends offline are having some relationship problems atm and there are just some things i want to mention on here, because i think they're relevant; some warning signs, etc and how to approach them. these not only apply to romantic relationships, but also friendships etc. physical harm - this might be an obvious one. but i just want to share some ways to approach the situation. this includes unwanted touching, hitting, kicking, etc. if your partner is doing this to you, you must report it to a trusted adult, teacher, counselor, close friend, or family member. this is one of the most serious abusive relationships- there are many resources online such as childline, etc, and hotlines you can call if you need to speak to someone about it. they may be able to help you get out of the relationship, and give you a shoulder to cry on. pressure into unwanted intimacy - this is also one of the big ones- your partner should never make you feel uncomfortable or otherwise. if they wish to stay with you, they will wait until you're ready to move onto that stage; if you even ever will be. if you feel pressured, or pushed into doing something you feel you'll regret, sit down and talk about it with your partner. you have a say in your relationship, too. control over your friends - if you feel like your partner has control over your friends- something is wrong. if they want you to dedicate every second of your life to them, with no other people, it's not right. your relationship not only affects the two people in it, (or more if it's polyamourous), but everyone around is affected by your relationship, too. again- you have a say in how your relationship is going, too!   criticizing you and your choices - relationships are about liking each other- if your partner is putting you down or demeaning you, it's a warning sign to get out of it. are they mocking you? or putting down your appearance, clothes, etc? Definite red flag; talk about it with him/her/them.  other signs, include: -being doted and adored one day, and the next being pushed away and ignored, -you're afraid of your partner -they obsess over and call/text you constantly -you may find you've lost your confidence -many ups and downs in the relationship, constant roller coaster -you aren't yourself. you change and adapt for them, drop hobbies if they're not into them, etc. -something tells you you cant trust them again, there are many resources out there if you need to talk. never be afraid to speak about it to someone- a family member, a teacher, a close friend, the police, a guidance counselor, etc.  I bolded that one part. The whole thread is great. And that one is a sign. But remember people with mental illness may also show signs like this to. If they have a good they they may spoil you and love you, and then the next day they're having a bad one. So they might push you away. They also may suddenly dote on you one day also to make up for a bad day. I'm not making an excuse, it's still a ver bad thing to do. I'm just putting it out there. that's a good point. 
    reply about 4 hours
    shae508
    shae508 posted in Friends:
    "classicalmusicisepic" wrote:my friends offline are having some relationship problems atm and there are just some things i want to mention on here, because i think they're relevant; some warning signs, etc and how to approach them.these not only apply to romantic relationships, but also friendships etc.physical harm - this might be an obvious one. but i just want to share some ways to approach the situation. this includes unwanted touching, hitting, kicking, etc. if your partner is doing this to you, you must report it to a trusted adult, teacher, counselor, close friend, or family member. this is one of the most serious abusive relationships- there are many resources online such as childline, etc, and hotlines you can call if you need to speak to someone about it. they may be able to help you get out of the relationship, and give you a shoulder to cry on.pressure into unwanted intimacy - this is also one of the big ones- your partner should never make you feel uncomfortable or otherwise. if they wish to stay with you, they will wait until you're ready to move onto that stage; if you even ever will be. if you feel pressured, or pushed into doing something you feel you'll regret, sit down and talk about it with your partner. you have a say in your relationship, too.control over your friends - if you feel like your partner has control over your friends- something is wrong. if they want you to dedicate every second of your life to them, with no other people, it's not right. your relationship not only affects the two people in it, (or more if it's polyamourous), but everyone around is affected by your relationship, too. again- you have a say in how your relationship is going, too!  criticizing you and your choices - relationships are about liking each other- if your partner is putting you down or demeaning you, it's a warning sign to get out of it. are they mocking you? or putting down your appearance, clothes, etc? Definite red flag; talk about it with him/her/them. other signs, include:-being doted and adored one day, and the next being pushed away and ignored,-you're afraid of your partner-they obsess over and call/text you constantly-you may find you've lost your confidence-many ups and downs in the relationship, constant roller coaster-you aren't yourself. you change and adapt for them, drop hobbies if they're not into them, etc.-something tells you you cant trust themagain, there are many resources out there if you need to talk. never be afraid to speak about it to someone- a family member, a teacher, a close friend, the police, a guidance counselor, etc.  I bolded that one part. The whole thread is great. And that one is a sign. But remember people with mental illness may also show signs like this to. If they have a good they they may spoil you and love you, and then the next day they're having a bad one. So they might push you away. They also may suddenly dote on you one day also to make up for a bad day. I'm not making an excuse, it's still a ver bad thing to do. I'm just putting it out there.
    reply about 6 hours
    jordand08
    jordand08 posted in Friends:
    No problem!
    reply about 6 hours

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