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Dear Dish-It: I Don’t Want To Lose Either Of Them

Dear Dish-It,

I told my friend I liked him but it turned out he didn’t like me back. I was so embarrassed and it took a month for us to be friends again. Then I found out my friend Sam liked me and we went on date. I accidentally mentioned my old crush and Sam got all huffy and jealous. And when my former crush found out about the date, he said he hates Sam. I want us all to be friends, so I confronted him about it. But when I tried to find out what was wrong, he just said he’s been thinking about me. Now I’m really confused. Why didn’t he just say he likes me when I told him I liked him? And I’m scared of losing either of them.


Help!


Dear Help!


Sounds like you’ve found yourself smack-dab in the middle of a love triangle. Meaning, two guys like you and are vying for your attention and affection and, in the meantime, hating each other. It’s a tough situation to be in, especially if the three of you used to be good friends.


Unfortunately, love is a powerful feeling and emotion that can get in the way of everyday friendships. I totally understand that you don’t want to make anyone feel hurt or angry and that you want everyone to be nice to each other and be friends, but I’m afraid it isn’t up to you this time. In terms of the two guys in your life being friends, I’d forget about that for the timebeing. It’s something they will have to sort out themselves, without your help. It’s just not your responsibility to make everyone around you get along.


As for your feelings, you need to follow your heart. And when I say that, I don’t mean you should follow it blindly. Remember, the first guy you were crushing on told you he didn’t like you back when you first admitted to him that you had feelings for him. Is there any possibility he has changed his mind only because he sees you with another guy?


There’s an old saying that goes: “You always want what you can’t have.” I may be wrong, and he may have genuinely changed his mind about his feelings for you, but to me it sounds like your first crush only decided he wanted you when he could no longer have you – that is, when you started dating another guy. For this reason, I’d be careful if I were you. People don’t really change too often or too easily, and there’s a strong possibility that once he does have you again, he won’t want you any longer. He may just be one of those guys (and there are lots of them out there, and girls, too) who loves the thrill of the chase.


The other guy you went on a date with, according to you, is a really nice guy. But he said some pretty mean things about your old crush, didn’t he? Being jealous when it comes to boyfriend-girlfriend (romantic) relationships is pretty normal, but not necessarily a good sign for what’s ahead. He may not only get jealous when you simply mention another guy’s name, he may take it further in the future and not want you to hang out with any other guys, even if you’ve been friends with them for years. I’d ask him how he truly feels about this, and make it clear to him that, if the two of you do decide to stay to together, you will be keeping your friendships with other guys and he needs to be OK with that.


So I would be careful. Look into your heart and try to figure out what’s most important to you. Maybe neither of these guys is really the one for you. Maybe they’re really just friends, and someone else who has more of the qualities you are looking for an deserve will come along eventually. Also know that once you cross the romantic line with a friend, it’s very hard to go back. Dating either one of your friends may mean that, if you do break up in the future, you won’t be able to be friends anymore. You need to decide if that’s a chance you’re willing to take.


So, ya gotta burnin' question? Need some love directions? Thinkin' 'bout stuff like depression, sex,how ya feel 'bout YOURSELF (that's called "self-esteem"), boyfriends, girlfriends, losin' old friends, bullyin' or peer pressure, but too scared to ask the parents? Don't be scared to Dish-It here. Send all of your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com But 'member, if ya hang out in Chat with other Kidzworld members who know ya by your 'username', ya might wanna use a secret nickname when ya write in. That way no one'll ever know it's you. And, just in case ya don't know, Dish-It gets a lotta letters everyday, and she can't answer 'em all. So keep checkin' the column cuz she's prob'ly answerin' somethin' very similar to your question while you're out doin' somethin' else. K? And Thanks! Ya keep her outta trouble. Oh! And if ya've got words of wisdom you wanna share,We'll dish 'em up, too.


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  • 2 Comments

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    Dear Dish-It in the forums

    ehmr
    ehmr posted in Family Issues:
    Uh okay, so I feel kind of stupid writing this here but I have nowhere else to go to about this. (I'm sorry if this is long). I just really need help with my life as a whole. Basically, I have extremely bad anxiety. It's gotten to the point where I cannot speak. At all. Every time I try to speak, I can never manage more than a few words before I clam up and start to cry. It feels like my IQ drops whenever someone tries to converse with me. I can't go into public either. The last time I did, my back and palms started sweating, my mouth went dry and I couldn't look up from the floor. And this wasn't even to a party or something, this was just the shopping centre. My mood is also extremely low. I feel both emotionally and physically drained which makes it hard to function sometimes. Some days I don't even have the motivation to get out of bed. I am sad 24/7. It is the most awful feeling in the world. Nothing interests me any more and I am so close to crying all the time, I dont know what to do. Sometimes I feel like dying, but death is my biggest fear so I'm not sure if I could be considered suicidal. I am not sure if it is depression because I don't have access to a doctor who can check. More than anything, though, I just want to stop being sad My parents seem to take all of this personally for some reason. They think I am purposely being rude or ignoring them. This is not true, obviously. But I can't tell them that because, like I said, I can barely speak. They keep trying to get me help for THE WRONG THINGS and haven't even thought of getting me help for anxiety. It was the therapist who first suggested that I should get help for anxiety and low mood but my parents still won't even think about getting me help for that and keep trying the wrong things. ~~~ It doesn't help that my mother barely cares about me very much at all. I'm really sorry but this bit is gonna sound like I am whining. But put basically, I have no clothes, no education (she pulled me out of school 2 years ago), and am stuck in what is basically isolation. I have asked her multiple times for clothes but she never buys me any and continues to buy tons for herself. (Or at least tried to when I could speak a bit better, haha, I haven't done since my anxiety got worse). But this means I have to about in the same un-ironed and sometimes unwashed outfit every day and it's gross, really. And since I cannot go to school anymore I have absolutely no friends. None. I do not even have friends online anymore. This makes my mood even worse and I am so ######## lonely. I tried making online friends for a while but I couldn't and since then my laptop broke (I am having to use the mobile site rn) so it's near impossible to make friends anymore. And on the topic of school, I have not had any sort of education in the 2 years I have been out of school. I do not even have a tutor. It's awful, and I would be going into Year 10 next year so I really need education soon since I only have two years left. :/ I feel dumb because of this since I have not learnt to do anything above a Year 7 level. I just don't know what to do anymore!! I really just want to fall asleep and sleep for however long it takes for me to wake up to a better period in my life. TL;DR: I am not at the best point in my life right now and my anxiety and mood only keep getting worse and I'm not sure what to do. :(
    reply about 3 hours
    Hannah728
    Hannah728 posted in Friends:
    I have a big problem. Me and my best friend(BFF) have the same crush and i lovee him he is so cute! can you guys help me! plz. comment on my bio, reply here, or pm me plzzzzzzzz! I NEED HELP! have you guys had this problem!?
    reply about 4 hours
    simran88
    simran88 posted in Style:
    Clothes...
    reply about 5 hours
    simran88
    simran88 posted in Style:
    Great suggestions! I'll try the tape idea, have never done it before. 
    reply about 5 hours
    arthi
    arthi posted in Friends:
    "shae508" wrote: "classicalmusicisepic" wrote: my friends offline are having some relationship problems atm and there are just some things i want to mention on here, because i think they're relevant; some warning signs, etc and how to approach them. these not only apply to romantic relationships, but also friendships etc. physical harm - this might be an obvious one. but i just want to share some ways to approach the situation. this includes unwanted touching, hitting, kicking, etc. if your partner is doing this to you, you must report it to a trusted adult, teacher, counselor, close friend, or family member. this is one of the most serious abusive relationships- there are many resources online such as childline, etc, and hotlines you can call if you need to speak to someone about it. they may be able to help you get out of the relationship, and give you a shoulder to cry on. pressure into unwanted intimacy - this is also one of the big ones- your partner should never make you feel uncomfortable or otherwise. if they wish to stay with you, they will wait until you're ready to move onto that stage; if you even ever will be. if you feel pressured, or pushed into doing something you feel you'll regret, sit down and talk about it with your partner. you have a say in your relationship, too. control over your friends - if you feel like your partner has control over your friends- something is wrong. if they want you to dedicate every second of your life to them, with no other people, it's not right. your relationship not only affects the two people in it, (or more if it's polyamourous), but everyone around is affected by your relationship, too. again- you have a say in how your relationship is going, too!   criticizing you and your choices - relationships are about liking each other- if your partner is putting you down or demeaning you, it's a warning sign to get out of it. are they mocking you? or putting down your appearance, clothes, etc? Definite red flag; talk about it with him/her/them.  other signs, include: -being doted and adored one day, and the next being pushed away and ignored, -you're afraid of your partner -they obsess over and call/text you constantly -you may find you've lost your confidence -many ups and downs in the relationship, constant roller coaster -you aren't yourself. you change and adapt for them, drop hobbies if they're not into them, etc. -something tells you you cant trust them again, there are many resources out there if you need to talk. never be afraid to speak about it to someone- a family member, a teacher, a close friend, the police, a guidance counselor, etc.  I bolded that one part. The whole thread is great. And that one is a sign. But remember people with mental illness may also show signs like this to. If they have a good they they may spoil you and love you, and then the next day they're having a bad one. So they might push you away. They also may suddenly dote on you one day also to make up for a bad day. I'm not making an excuse, it's still a ver bad thing to do. I'm just putting it out there.
    reply about 7 hours

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