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Dear Dish-It: My Friends Are Fighting

Dear Dish-It,

All my friends fight continuously and because of that we are not as close as before. My friends and I talked and decided our ex-friend was the cause of all the fighting. After a while my friends said they wanted to be friends with her again – but I still hate her. Help me.

Tensed Friend


Dear TF,


I’m sad and sorry to hear that you and your friends fight so much. Actually, when I read your letter it sort of sounded like these people weren’t your friends at all. Friends don’t fight like cats and dogs. Sure, there’s a misunderstanding or argument in every once in a while, but the way you describe your fighting it sounds much more serious than that.


I also want to say that it was wrong for you and some of your friends to decide behind the girl’s back that she was the cause of all the fighting. I mean, eventually, your friends decided they wanted to hang out with her again, so what was the point of talking behind her back like that? I don’t know if she really did cause all the fighting or not, but the rest of you should have been the better people and not turned around and ganged up on her like that. To me, it sounds a lot like bullying.


Now, there seem to be a couple of issues you need to sort out for yourself. Remember, I’m giving this advice to you, not to the rest of your group of friends, because you’re the one who wrote in to me for help. If the rest of your friends want to know what they should do, they can write to me, too, in their own words, with their own side of the story.


So in your case, you need to sit back and really think long and hard about these friendships of yours. Like I said at the beginning of this note, it really doesn’t sound like you guys are all good friends at all, fighting constantly and ganging up behind each other’s backs. Do these girls really bring out the best in you like real friends should? Or do they make you into someone who tries to blame her problems on someone else and who uses the word “hate” to describe a fellow human being?


I say let your “friends” be friends with whoever they want. If they fought once they’ll probably fight again and break up as friends and, who knows, maybe even make up again to start the vicious cycle all over again. I think the time is right for you as an individual person with her own mind to decide to look for better friends – friends who don’t fight and cause drama and stress. Friends you can say are truly there for you, who your truly admire as people – friends you would never say that you “hate.”


And if you still believe this group of girls are the right friends for you, then you need to quickly shed your attitude of hate and blame and start acting like a good friend to them. Have you ever heard of the saying “Do unto other as you would have them do unto you?” Well, it basically means you should treat others the way you want to be treated yourself. If you stop fighting with everyone and going around placing blame and spewing hatred, and instead act kind and friendly and nice to everyone around you (no matter what you think of them and no matter what they do) then you may be surprised to see that your friends will start treating you with the same kindness and respect. And if they don’t, well, I’ve proved my case – these aren’t your real friends at all.


If you've got a burning question, need some love advice or find yourself thinking about things like sex, depression, self-esteem, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bullying or peer pressure, don't hesitate to Dish-It here. Send your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com. And if you hang out in the chat rooms with other Kidzworld members who know you by your username, just send in your secret question using a different nickname if you want to stay anonymous – we promise that no one will ever know it's you. Remember: Dish-It gets a load of letters every day so it may take a while to reply to yours. Keep checking back for her reply, or watch for answered Dish-It questions that are similar to your own.


More Dish-It Advice:

  • School Violence
  • My Sister And I Always End Up Fighting
  • My Mom And I Fight A Lot

  • 14 Comments

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    Dear Dish-It In The Forums

    rainbowpoptart
    Goodness... I see where your mother is coming from: if you eat too much, no matter how healthy the food is, and don't work off the calories, you're going to gain weight. But she's being very obsessive and dramatic about it. There is nothing wrong with eating pizza or a cookie every now and then, and there's nothing wrong with relaxing from time to time either. As long as you aren't constantly eating junk and not burning the calories, then you do not have a problem. Eating unhealthy things every now and then does not make you fat. EATING every now and then does not make you fat. Try explaining this to her, calmly and patiently. Tell her that you don't want to be forced to do all of this exercising - being forced to exercise makes it a lot less interesting. Do not take "This is for your own good" for an answer; if you do not want to do it, it is NOT for your good. (This, of course, would be a different story if you were actually fat.) ALSO tell her that exercising too much and not satiating your cravings is JUST AS UNHEALTHY AS BEING FAT IS. If you were to not eat healthful meals and not snack every now and then, no matter how healthy or unhealthy the food is, plus exercise so frequently, you would not be healthy.  Eating is good for you, even if the food isn't. Eating too little and eating too much is not healthy. Exercise is good for you. Not exercising enough and exercising too much is not good for you. If you talking to her doesn't help, try telling another adult how you feel, and maybe they can help get it through to her. Regardless of what happens, take care of yourself. Moderate how much you eat, but don't limit yourself to less than you feel you need. Exercise, but don't do something you don't want to; working out should be fun. Good luck with everything. I'm really sorry that she makes you feel so badly about this.
    reply 1 day
    jake495
    jake495 posted in Family Issues:
    Make sure she knows its your body not hers In a respectful way of course
    reply 1 day
    ThePaleWalker636
    I'm perfectly happy with myself. I'm around 5'6" and somewhere between 140-150 pounds, and I don't feel fat. But my mom is constantly telling me that I am, or, at least, that I'm going to be. She forces me to go to exercise classes because I don't like many sports, tries making me go on diets, but I don't want to. She tells me that if I continue the way I am, having an extra cookie once in a while and only eating cereal for breakfast, that I'll end up fat, and she makes sure to emphasize how horrible that is for a person to live with. She rolls her eyes and sighs whenever she sees me getting a snack, and just in general makes me feel awful for eating the things I like and for relaxing. I've told her that I don't want to do these things and that she makes me feel bad when she says things like that, but she swears it's for my own good and that I should never want to be fat, that it ruins people's lives. How should I deal with this?
    reply 1 day
    drowning
    drowning posted in Friends:
    "NS12" wrote: I meet this guy at a festival and we have been talking for the whole week and my mum has noticed I keep texting someone and I know I need to tell her but I don t know how I am going to tell her, I doubt she ll get angry or anything but he lives about 4/5 hours away from me. I know I need to tell her as I don t like keeping secrets from her. I know this was a bit ago, but I truly hope that you were able to be open with your mother. If you feel as if they won't get mad at you, then chances are that your guardian will not. Honesty is the best policy, and if you feel guilt keeping a secret, then it is one you probably shouldn't be keeping.
    reply 2 days
    drowning
    I agree with @rainbowpoptart. You really shouldn't worry about relationships that much given your age. I promise, they're better things to worry about than boys and more secure romances occur later on in life anyways. But, given the situation, you shouldn't worry about either. The boy is unfaithful and so is your friend. If your best friend really valued your friendship, she would not have put it in a position that could end it. Don't waste your time on those who will not put you first just as you do for them; better people will come into your life and they are the ones who you should really worry about.
    reply 2 days