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Dear Dish-It: My Friends Are Fighting

Dear Dish-It,

All my friends fight continuously and because of that we are not as close as before. My friends and I talked and decided our ex-friend was the cause of all the fighting. After a while my friends said they wanted to be friends with her again – but I still hate her. Help me.

Tensed Friend

Dear TF,

I’m sad and sorry to hear that you and your friends fight so much. Actually, when I read your letter it sort of sounded like these people weren’t your friends at all. Friends don’t fight like cats and dogs. Sure, there’s a misunderstanding or argument in every once in a while, but the way you describe your fighting it sounds much more serious than that.

I also want to say that it was wrong for you and some of your friends to decide behind the girl’s back that she was the cause of all the fighting. I mean, eventually, your friends decided they wanted to hang out with her again, so what was the point of talking behind her back like that? I don’t know if she really did cause all the fighting or not, but the rest of you should have been the better people and not turned around and ganged up on her like that. To me, it sounds a lot like bullying.

Now, there seem to be a couple of issues you need to sort out for yourself. Remember, I’m giving this advice to you, not to the rest of your group of friends, because you’re the one who wrote in to me for help. If the rest of your friends want to know what they should do, they can write to me, too, in their own words, with their own side of the story.

So in your case, you need to sit back and really think long and hard about these friendships of yours. Like I said at the beginning of this note, it really doesn’t sound like you guys are all good friends at all, fighting constantly and ganging up behind each other’s backs. Do these girls really bring out the best in you like real friends should? Or do they make you into someone who tries to blame her problems on someone else and who uses the word “hate” to describe a fellow human being?

I say let your “friends” be friends with whoever they want. If they fought once they’ll probably fight again and break up as friends and, who knows, maybe even make up again to start the vicious cycle all over again. I think the time is right for you as an individual person with her own mind to decide to look for better friends – friends who don’t fight and cause drama and stress. Friends you can say are truly there for you, who your truly admire as people – friends you would never say that you “hate.”

And if you still believe this group of girls are the right friends for you, then you need to quickly shed your attitude of hate and blame and start acting like a good friend to them. Have you ever heard of the saying “Do unto other as you would have them do unto you?” Well, it basically means you should treat others the way you want to be treated yourself. If you stop fighting with everyone and going around placing blame and spewing hatred, and instead act kind and friendly and nice to everyone around you (no matter what you think of them and no matter what they do) then you may be surprised to see that your friends will start treating you with the same kindness and respect. And if they don’t, well, I’ve proved my case – these aren’t your real friends at all.

If you've got a burning question, need some love advice or find yourself thinking about things like sex, depression, self-esteem, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bullying or peer pressure, don't hesitate to Dish-It here. Send your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com. And if you hang out in the chat rooms with other Kidzworld members who know you by your username, just send in your secret question using a different nickname if you want to stay anonymous – we promise that no one will ever know it's you. Remember: Dish-It gets a load of letters every day so it may take a while to reply to yours. Keep checking back for her reply, or watch for answered Dish-It questions that are similar to your own.

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