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Dear Dish-It: Am I In Love?

Dear Dish-It,

I think I'm in love, but I keep hearing the same thing: "You're too young." But I can't stop thinking about my crush. He's my idea of perfect: understanding, sweet, smart, wonderful, and just the best guy a girl could dream of. He's not cute, but I don't care. I think about him while I'm in line at school and I smile. He's just the best. When I see him I feel a thousand times better, like nothing is wrong and I'm safe. Am I in love?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It’s a very common question: "How can I tell I'm in love?" But it's not an easy question to answer. What feels like love to one person may be nothing more than attraction to another. Some people fall in and out of love quickly and often while others are never really in love as much as they are in lust. This can get confusing when you are a teen because romantic love is a relatively new concept for you and you don't know what to expect. You are overwhelmed with all sorts of new feelings and social pressures. They are confusing. What is love? What makes you want a romantic relationship with one person and not another? How does your heart choose a partner? Why does love end?

These questions can't be easily answered.

One of the most confusing quasi-love feelings is lust. Lust is a very powerful, very intense feeling of physical attraction toward another person. Lust is mainly sexual in nature - the attraction is superficial based on instant chemistry rather than genuine caring. Usually we lust after people we do not know well, people we still feel comfortable fantasizing about. It is very common for people to confuse lust for love. But why? What is it about lust and love that make them so easy to mix up? If lust is all about sex, how can a relationship without sex be about lust? Teens struggle with this because they see lust in the Biblical sense, but lust isn't that sinister. Lust is about physical attraction and acting ONLY on physical attraction. Love is about much more than that. Yet many teens (and to be fair, many adults) confuse an intense attraction for some sort if divine love. For teens, since feelings of attraction are still new and since pop-culture sells sex and love as one package, it is very easy to get the two mixed up.

Lust is clearly not love. Love is based on more than just physical attraction. Sure, attraction is a factor, but love goes deeper than that. Love is based on caring, friendship, commitment and trust. When you are in love it is as if you have your best most trusted friend at your side AND you feel physically attracted to them. It is the best of both worlds! Love is a shared feeling between two people who have a vested interest in one anothers happiness. Love is not about jealousy. It is not about conflict. It is not about testing. Love is a positive feeling. If it is tainted by mistrust, jealousy, insecurity or spitefulness it is not really love but merely a pale copy. Love is the total surrender of your heart to another person with the security of knowing they will treat it better than you will. Love should feel good. It should not feel bad. Love should make you want to be a better person, it should not lead you to do something self destructive. Love is not demanding of your spirit but lifts it and makes it glow. Love is a good thing. Anything less is lust, deep friendship or attraction. So the sappiness aside, the question remains, how can you tell you are in love?

There is no easy way to find the truth behind your feelings or the feelings of another person but there are some tell-tale signs that love is blooming (or growing deeper). If you agree with 7 of the following 9 statements you are probably in love.

You know, because you have been told by your significant other, that your deep feelings are returned in kind:

  • The object of your affections makes you feel special and good about yourself.
  • If/when you feel jealous it is always fleeting; you trust your partner not to betray you or hurt your relationship.
  • Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.
  • When you fight with your partner you usually make up within a few hours and you always agree that nothing is more important than you both being able to express your true feelings (even if they sometimes cause conflict).
  • Your partner never asks you to choose between him/her and your loyalties to your family and friends - if you do choose him/her over them you always have a good reason and it is always YOUR decision, and your decision alone.
  • Neither you or your partner feel the need to test the other's loyalties or feelings.
  • You are more yourself when with your partner than you are with anybody else.
  • If sex is part of your relationship it is by mutual desire and agreement without the slightest hint of commitment testing or persuasion.

So, ya gotta burning question? Need some love directions? Thinking 'bout stuff like depression, sex,how ya feel 'bout YOURSELF (that's called "self-esteem"), boyfriends, girlfriends, losin' old friends, bullying or peer pressure, but too scared to ask the parents? Don't be scared to Dish-It here. But remember, if ya hang out in Chat with other Kidzworld members who know ya by your 'username', ya might wanna use a secret nickname when ya write in. That way no one'll ever know it's you. And, just in case ya don't know, Dish-It gets a lotta letters everyday, and she can't answer 'em all. So keep checking the column cuz she's probably answering something very similar to your question while you're out doing something else. K? And Thanks! Ya keep her outta trouble. Oh! And if ya've got words of wisdom you wanna share,We'll dish 'em up, too.

More Dish-It Advice:

 

208 Comments

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Dear Dish-It In The Forums

Abbergrl
Abbergrl posted in Family Issues:
My mom can be that way too. There's nothing like that, you're exagerating, you dont even know what you're talking about. When all tthaat time I was going through it. She didn't have a clue honestly.
reply about 2 hours
StarrChild
Two years ago my parents broke up. I was never really the same after that point. My mother she began to just not care about anything. She would go out clubbing every Friday and would yell at me for my attitude towards it. Why would I be okay with her doing that??? I didn't really realise it but I began feeling kind of depressed. Of course we didn't fight all the time but when we did I would always end up crying alone in my room. And it would be really painful. One time I cried every night for a week because of her. A week ago, I felt really sick at school so I went to the sick bay but my Mum refused to believe I was sick. She thought I was lying and being over dramatic as usual. I felt really horrible after that, that the teacher sent me to the guidance councellor and almost immediately I burst into tears. I didn't even know why I did but the councellor did a little test on me and came to the conclusion I was slightly depressed and had anxiety. It wasn't really surprising but hearing it out loud just felt really weird. Even after knowing that fact my mother doesn't really act any different. She's not a bad person I swear but she can just be really horrible at times. Anyways, that's technically whats been happening in my life lol. Nothing really interesting
reply about 3 hours
Froggers
theres this guy that i really REALLY like, im not sure if he likes me back. i put my mobile # on a piece of paper and slipped it in his locker, he hasn't texted or called me yet. Today at lunch i asked his friend to ask if he likes anyone but his friend keeps lying to me and won't tell me if he said anything. The guy and I were best friends in 5th grade but now that we're in different classes we don't talk much anymore. My friends said that i have a chance with him and that we have a lot in common, but im pretty sure he likes this other girl but im also pretty sure he likes me. I want to make a move but i don't wanna end our friendship i don't know what to do.
reply about 11 hours
LUCYQWERTY123
LUCYQWERTY123 posted in Friends:
it can be anyone u want but it should be someone who has the true friendship qualities and trust-worhtiness :) :)
reply about 19 hours
drowning
drowning posted in Friends:
It's good to have both to talk too about things. But, what's the point of being with someone if you can't trust them enough to even tell them things?
reply 1 day