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Dear Dish-It: What's My Next Move?

Dear Dish-It,

I'm 16, and there's this boy I was slightly interested in since September, when I first met him. We went to the same school, and since about 2 weeks ago, he suddenly talked to me more, cracked jokes with me, and then he even phoned me to ask about homework.

A few days later, I had to move to a new school not very far away. One day I went to visit my friends at the old school. Most of my classmates just said bye and went home, and in the end I was left with two close female friends and this boy... I think it's around this time that I realized I love him, but I couldn't just keep it to myself forever, I needed to talk to someone so I told one of my close male friends, Matt.

But then a few days later Matt told me he thought it would be better to tell the boy I like him, and he really did. I was shocked and asked Matt about the boy's answer; apparently he had said "I wanna stay friends coz she didn't give me enough time to get to know her well". So I told Matt to tell the guy that for now, I wanna be good friends with him too.>

Though I haven't seen him for more than a week, it seems my feelings are growing. He came on MSN two times but I was sorta scared to talk to him so I didn't... Then yesterday I sent him a text message and he answered, to my relief.

I don't know what to do. Is it still possible for us to be together someday? And if so how can I get him to 'know me better'...? How should I act, should I strike conversation on msn when he comes on? Text him? Should I eventually ask him to meet me somewhere? If so, how should I ask and where?

A detailed, prompt response would be extremely appreciated... Thank you so much!!


Dear arto,

First of all, I think it’s important for you to remember that while I enjoy getting questions and giving my best advice to all of you guys on Kidzworld, I don’t have all the answers – especially when it comes to relationships. Unlike mathematics, where 1 + 1 definitely makes 2, there are no hard and fast rules to love. I say this because of your request for “a detailed, prompt response.” It seems like you are pinning all your hopes on what I say – which shouldn’t be the case. At the end of the day, you can only trust your own gut – that is to say, if you don’t like or agree with my advice, there’s nothing wrong with going against it, if that’s what you feel you need to do.

(Also, in terms of my being “prompt” with my reply, I hope everyone out there keeps in mind that I receive about 25 new questions every single day – it’s hard for me to get to all of them in a timely manner, though I try my very best.)

Having said that, I’m afraid I don’t agree with your statement “I love him.” While no one can tell you when or how real love starts or even feels, I think it’s important in your case to be very aware of the difference between having a crush on or liking someone as more than a friend and true, deep, meaningful love. When you love someone, there’s usually already a commitment in place between yourself and the other person. That commitment, whether it be sharing a house or apartment, marriage or children, requires you to think twice when things in your relationship don’t quite go according to plan. What you have is a crush, and while crushes bring a lot of intense feelings with them, they don’t require the same degree of thought or attachment that a love relationship does.

To be more specific about your question, it sounds to me like this guy really liked you at one point but, because you two didn’t have a relationship or a serious commitment to each other, it didn’t take much time for his feelings to change. I’m not trying to be unkind – it’s just a normal part of life for your feelings about the many people you meet along the way to grow and change and, in many cases, lessen. It happens all the time, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Plus, it doesn’t mean there’s no chance for his feelings for you to grow once again and for the two of you to have a deeper relationship. Anything is possible – that’s something you should always remember.

So now the question is, where do you go from here? You asked me what I think you should do – and you wanted me to answer in very specific terms (I’m guessing you want me to tell you what to write to him in your next MSN convo, or what to type if you decide to text him again). But I can’t do that for you (just like I can’t live your life for you). Those are decisions you need to make, and you need to make them keeping the person that matter most in mind: you. What’s best for you and what will ensure you take the best care of yourself possible (i.e., prevent yourself from getting into a situation that may leave you feeling hurt or sad)?

It’s hard for me to say what you should do at this point. You could pursue this guy (i.e., make it known to him that you like him and want to have a relationship with him), and there are tons and tons of ways to go about doing that. You mentioned a couple of those ways: MSN and texting. Besides those, you could call him, send him an e-mail, write him a note or a letter, arrange to hang out with him when your other friends get together, ask him to go out on a date with you, etc. If you don’t mind putting yourself out there and, possibly, having your feelings rejected (although it sounds to me like he really liked you once and could quite possibly like you again), then go ahead and do it: talk to him next time you see him on MSN or text him back and remember to ask him lots of questions about himself and his life since it’s not all about him finding out more about you, it’s also about you learning more about him. You can also try and spend more time with him in person if you guys run with the same group of friends (again, when you see him and get a chance to talk, just ask lots of questions about him and give him the same chance to ask you questions about you).

The other option, of course, is to just sit back and see what happens (that is, let him make the next move if he likes you). Some people will tell you this is the wrong approach – that what you need to do is be active to get what you want, not passive and wait for the things you want to come to you. But I don’t necessarily agree with that. Sometimes when we try to manipulate the situations in our lives so they turn out the way we want them to, we actually end up doing more harm than good. Plus, there’s a lot to be said for being patient and letting life reward you when the time is right (good things come to those who wait!). Whatever you decide to do, do it with confidence and conviction (meaning, don’t be shy to strike up a convo with him on MSN if you want to!), listen to your gut (most of the answers you need will come to you if you let them!) and remember – at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. What really matters is how you feel about yourself. That’s what will get you from this crush to the a more a meaningful relationship, whether it be with this particular guy or with someone else.

More Great Dish-It Advice:

  • I Like Him & He Likes Me
  • My Worst Enemy Asked Out My Crush
  • Teacher Crush
  • What Should I Do About My Crush?
  • Does He Like Me?

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    Dear Dish-It In The Forums

    KayKayZ posted in Friends:
    Hmm, okay, well I'll try to give you the best advice that I can, Error. So you say you don't like your friend for a number of reasons: Liar, bad influence, uses swear words, too blunt, etc. I feel like some of these could be over-looked, such as the swearing and the 'bad influence' part. Really, all you have to do is just not copy her actions, and they won't be influential at all. If you disagree, it shouldn't be hard to just refuse to follow in her steps. However, lying isn't the best quality I would look for in a friend.  She doesn't seem like an enjoyable person to be around in general, which is why you are making this post, obviously. But I'm gonna ask you something here. Don't you think that, in a way, you're lying too? You're pretending to be her friend solely for purposes of monetary value because, I assume, your family cannot pay for or get you to gymnastic class themselves. If this is true, that's kind of bad, isn't it? It sounds like, to me, that your friendship isn't exactly a healthy relationship at all. But I'm gonna sympathize with you, since I know gymnastics must be important to you, and you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't have a good reason. So, what should you do about it? Well, personally I think there are a few things you could do. You could stop being her friend, therefore no longer having to deal with her; but in the process lose access to your gymnastics class and have to look for it in another way. On the flip side, you could continue to put up with her, which would probably not be in your best interests, but you'd still get to attend your class. Or, you could try talking to her about it. Ask her what she really thinks of your friendship, if she actually values you as her friend. Maybe you two can talk about problems that you're having with each other and work on fixing them. This option could have negative effects, since she might want to stop being your friend or things could become very awkward after that. But it's probably your best bet to be honest with her, as you'd hope she would be with you. How about if you tried being really nice to her? Kindness is contagious, and perhaps if you treat her well enough, she'll start doing the same to you. I feel like maybe if you complimented her, told her things that you really like about her, maybe even got her gifts or made her food once in a while, that she would come to appreciate you and all that you do for her. And in turn, she might start to respect you more herself, and become a good friend. That's about all I can say. If you're close enough with her mom, maybe you could even try asking her about her daughter and see if she can give you any advice. Hopefully that helped in some way, but if it didn't, maybe it at least made you think? I hope your problem gets resolved, Error, and you can be content with the outcome of it. :-)
    reply 1 day
    Error101 posted in Friends:
    Okay so I have this friend and I don't like the type of person she is and I wouldn't be friends with her but her mom takes me to gymnastics every week.  I  had her over to spend the night and she lied about everything to me.  She kept telling me that she used to think I was weird and she didn't like me and it kind of hurt my feelings...  I would never tell someone that even if it was true.  She cusses and is a bad influence and she lies a ton.  There are a ton of bad qualities about her, and very few good ones.  I can't be mean to her because she is how I get to gymnastics but I don't really want to be her friend.  What should I do?  :(
    reply 1 day
    My parents have always been aggressive and abusive and I only just noticed it a couple months ago. Over time they've gotten worse (specifically my mother). Whenever she gets mad she'll yell at us and if she gets mad enough she'll hit and push us around. Whoever we get into arguments it's always one- sided and she always wins, even if she knows she is wrong. An argument we had not to long ago was about me not taking care of myself. She looked at my hair and started to touch it and told me "Your hair isn't soft why is it so dry, it's probably because you aren't taking care of your hair." Then she goes on to tell me that she's going to cut it and all of this other stuff when she knows I'm conscious about me looking like a boy ( Used to get called a boy for having short hair). As the argument goes on, I start to tell her things that she knows she is wrong about. She proceeds to yell at me then grabs me by the face and say "If you don't lower your tone and listen to what I'm saying I'm going to knock you in the head." Then she goes on to tell me she remembers nothing I was saying and that it's a lie. She also hit me when I didn't clean the laundry room correctly and whenever she gets fed up. I'm constantly having to watch what I say and do, because I'm scared that I'm going to end up hurt. She also likes to degrade me and tell how bad I'm doing. She's said plenty of thing like when I didn't have my bed covers tucked in she yelled at me and hit me and I said "Do you expect me to just stand here and take this", and she replied saying "That's what you are supposed to do you are the child and I am the adult, you take whatever I do until I'm done." Another time is when I had my band concert and I had to pick out the right attire. When we went shopping to get the clothing I chose slacks when she liked a skirt better, we went on to fight in the store and she bought the slacks. When we got home she said to me that real girls wear skirts and dresses and boys wear slacks and pants. This hurt me because she knows I have a past with people telling me I look like a boy etc. Another time I started to sleep on the floor, because I was practicing a minimalist life. When I left my pillows on the floor she found it and questioned me on why they were there. I told her it fell of my bed when really I left it there. Later when I told my dad, he told her and she got mad because I was getting cat hair on my pillows. She then proceeded to ask why I lied and I told her sometimes lying is better then the truth (I knew she would get mad that I was sleeping on the floor so I lied) then she told me that I was never going to have a relationship, a job, or friends ( This hurt me because I don't have friends now). She's also said that I don't take care of my body because I ate two sweets in one day which lead her to banning me from Doritos and now I have to ask to get chips and any other snack. She's told me I don't take care of my teeth because I have yellow spots from using whitening toothpaste with braces on. She's told me I don't take care of my hair so I can't wash it or do any hair style or then a bun. She had lead me to starving myself (Unless she makes me eat) and cutting myself. I've just stopped caring, because what ever I do is always wrong. I never get a choice in my activities, she controls my life in fact she me just in a different body. But what is even worse is that she's turning my dad into her. Now I have a scheduled time to eat breakfast and lunch, and to go onto my electronics. I feel like I'm in a prison with my parents constantly watching over me, in fact yesterday when I was pouring my milk my mom got out a measuring cup and poured my milk into the measuring cup and said "Why isn't this a full cup" and I replied saying "Because I don't measure my milk." Then she got angry at me. There's so much I could say about her, but I'll stop. Anyways my father is always sarcastic and he doesn't realize how much it hurts me. Today I was cleaning out my bag for next school year and my dad came in and said, "Wow, you aren't even dress yet and I had to come up here to tell you how sad." Just little things like that hurt me. My little sister got mad at me last week for sitting in a certain area and she said " Why are you sitting there," and I didn't reply because I didn't want to speak to her and she then said, "Probably because you are too stupid to answer." I wanted to break down crying then and there, but I kept it in. I've limited my talking to her, because all she does is break me down. Like when there was a Proactive commercial and she said, "Ha, you need that." That hurt me because just the other my mom was telling me how I don't take care of my face and that's why I have acne. My older sister and I barely talk, because whenever I try to talk to her she's mad for what ever reason and when my parents were talking about hitting my sister she was in the corner laughing. My cat Preston is very young and I got hi,abo a year ago. I get very sad and often cry, because I've seen him turn out scared and aggressive just like me because he's been through what I have. One time he pooped in a clothes basket (It's right next to his litter box) my mom grabbed him by the neck and hit him while she smothered his face in his poop, all while yelling at him. I was going to call the Animal Protective Services, but I got too scared and I realized how lonely I would be. Please help me I'm not sure what to do anymore. Also sorry for the very long post!
    reply 4 days
    Error101 posted in Family Issues:
    Dear Kkmr324, I hope you get to feeling better as time goes on.  It does get better but like you said you can't actually get over it.  Losing someone to cancer is awful and I have never lost a friend and I hope I never will and I am so sorry that you did, but I have lost family to cancer and it is horrible.  I hope your okay. :(
    reply 6 days
    Kkrmr324 posted in Family Issues:
    A few months ago,my friend Kendall died of cancer. It was really hard to "get over it"; because really you dont just get over it. One thing i did was find a bunch of pictures of me and Kendall and remembered all the fun we had together. And it helped! I still miss her, but good friends and family helped with that.
    reply 8 days