Kw-logo-smaller

Dear Dish-It: I Lost My Friends' Trust

Broken Trust Needs Time To Rebuild

Dear Dish-It,


I have this problem. I did something very wrong and even though I tried to cover it up at first I later accepted everything and told everyone sorry. That happened three months ago. Lately, I have been noticing that a friend of mine has been behaving strangely. She doesn’t talk to me much, she's not that friendly … I think my friends have a low opinion of me now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my friends to be against me.


Stuck up in corner


Dear SUIC,


Trust is a funny thing. For the most part it is freely given but once it is lost regaining it can be costly both emotionally and physically. Rebuilding trust once it has been damaged or lost is no easy task. It is not easy for the people who have been let down and it is certainly not easy (nor should it be) for the person who damaged it to begin with.


You say that it has been 3 months since you lost your friends’ trust. Three months is not a lot of time and it isn't really reasonable for you to expect them to be "back to normal.” It may take more time to earn it back. It is hard to accept but as the "trust-breaker" you don't get to set the timeline for fixing things. In fact, you don't get much say in anything that pertains to whether or not they will ever trust you again. Chances are that they will come to trust you again but it won't be on your terms.


Your best course of action may be to "grin and bear it.” If your friends have every good reason on earth to feel the way they do the very last thing that will regain their trust is YOU telling THEM when "enough is enough.” Take a big step back to look at what happened. Did you do something they asked you not to? Did you lie, cheat or steal? Did you do something you knew would disappoint or embarrass them? If your friends did the same thing to you, would you be mad? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes" all you can do is sit back and do everything you can think of to show them you are sorry and that you won't risk losing their trust again.


To get things back on track with your friends the first thing you need to do is stop trying to control the healing process. As I said before, you don't get to set the terms. You need to accept their anger and fighting them on it is not accepting it. Second, while you do everything you can to show your friends they can trust you again, try to understand that they are the injured party and that they are under no obligation to accept your gestures of good will. See it from their perspective: you have done something to destroy trust and now that they are mad you are suddenly a perfect angel – would you be in any hurry to go back to the way things were if you were in their place?


If things are really unbearable for you, try to initiate a conversation so that they know how you feel. Make sure that the reason you are sorry is that you lost their trust. Tell them you know you screwed up and did a bad thing. Let them know that you are sorry and that you will do whatever it takes to fix things. Tell them that you are feeling in limbo because they have not given you any indication about what they need from you in order to even try to trust you again. Then sit back and be prepared to listen to a bunch of stuff you won't like hearing. Don't get defensive and don't turn things into a fight. You damaged the trust here and you are the one who needs to deal with the fallout. Don't expect them to rush to closure in order to make you happier. You can't force trust, trying to may make it disappear forever.


If you've got a burning question, need some love advice or find yourself thinking about things like sex, depression, self-esteem, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bullying or peer pressure, don't hesitate to Dish-It here. Send your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com. And if you hang out in the chat rooms with other Kidzworld members who know you by your username, just send in your secret question using a different nickname if you want to stay anonymous – we promise that no one will ever know it's you. Remember: Dish-It gets a load of letters every day so it may take a while to reply to yours. Keep checking back for her reply, or watch for answered Dish-It questions that are similar to your own.


More Dish-It Advice:

  • My Parents Made Us Break Up
  • How Do I Get Over Being Cheated On?
  • How Do I Ask?
  • Am I In Love?
  • readers voted!

    Comments

    BE_Jay_Prince

    BE_Jay_Prince wrote:

    I lost my best friend over some girls , I hate knowing someone is right for u then they ruins ur life
    commented: Tue Jul 08, 2014

    obey_female

    obey_female wrote:

    nun nevaeh
    commented: Fri Dec 28, 2012

    miss ray

    miss ray wrote:

    you just dont kno wat
    commented: Fri Dec 28, 2012

    there are 8 more comments

    Please login or register to add comments


    like this article?
    Sign up now to get more just like it!

    latest videos

    Poll

    Best Thing About a Virtual Friend?

    • They don't gossip.
    • You can make them do what you want.
    • They won't try to steal your boyfriend.
    • You can always turn them off.

    related stories

    I think my best friend has been stealing from me secretly. Every time she spends a night and leav...

    Dear Dish-It in the forums

    jordand08
    Hi so many of you know me, because I'm mostly trying to help others, but I just need help. I'll try to explain best I can. Okay, yestrday I came home from work, and went over to my neighbors. I wasn't in my room long enough for a minute until my dad came busting in, extemely mad, and um, #####. Not even explaining himself, he just went on a rampage and threw away a lot of my stuff, while I was in the shower. I've never seen his anger like this, not to me at least. And, I just don't know what to do, because I hate to admt it but I'm scared... So.. any suggestions? thanks.
    reply about 11 hours
    Kirsteeeeen
    Kirsteeeeen posted in Friends:
    Cyberbullying is just as serious as bullying offline. You should report them, block, and ignore. But if it's a continuous thing you should talk to an adult about it! It doesn't matter if you're on the other side of the world, there are many things law enforcement, even worldwide, can do to take steps in making sure it stops and doesn't happen to anyone else.
    reply about 13 hours
    Jelly3
    Jelly3 posted in Style:
    One braid :p 
    reply about 17 hours
    MagicalAnjali
    MagicalAnjali posted in Style:
    hair puff with side pony
    reply about 19 hours
    onychair
    onychair posted in Style:
    i have now getting more hair extension for my hair to look pretty in my school between all of students. straight hair closure
    reply about 19 hours

    play online games

    Valantine-day-crossword-thumb

    Valentine's Day is almost here! Time for candy, hearts, flowers, love and, of co...

    Goodgameempire-thumb

    Goodgame Empire is a great strategy title by Goodgame Studios. Build your own ca...

    Black-history-month-crossword-pre

    Black History Month is a time to celebrate the amazing contributions of African ...

    Big-farm-thumb

    Uncle George has left you his farm, but unfortunately it’s in pretty bad shape. ...

    Candy-cash-thumb

    Candy's got her candies into a terrible mess, can you help her to sort them out?

    Candy-100

    A great online version of the famous Candy Crush. This is the best game launched...

    _thumb_100x100

    Bloons 2 is here! A worthy and awesome sequel at last to our original Bloons gam...

    Frostbox_100x100

    Explore the world or hang out with friends in your own condo. Get a unique look,...