Kw-halloween-logo-small

Dear Dish-It: I Lost My Friends' Trust

Broken Trust Needs Time To Rebuild

Dear Dish-It,


I have this problem. I did something very wrong and even though I tried to cover it up at first I later accepted everything and told everyone sorry. That happened three months ago. Lately, I have been noticing that a friend of mine has been behaving strangely. She doesn’t talk to me much, she's not that friendly … I think my friends have a low opinion of me now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my friends to be against me.


Stuck up in corner


Dear SUIC,


Trust is a funny thing. For the most part it is freely given but once it is lost regaining it can be costly both emotionally and physically. Rebuilding trust once it has been damaged or lost is no easy task. It is not easy for the people who have been let down and it is certainly not easy (nor should it be) for the person who damaged it to begin with.


You say that it has been 3 months since you lost your friends’ trust. Three months is not a lot of time and it isn't really reasonable for you to expect them to be "back to normal.” It may take more time to earn it back. It is hard to accept but as the "trust-breaker" you don't get to set the timeline for fixing things. In fact, you don't get much say in anything that pertains to whether or not they will ever trust you again. Chances are that they will come to trust you again but it won't be on your terms.


Your best course of action may be to "grin and bear it.” If your friends have every good reason on earth to feel the way they do the very last thing that will regain their trust is YOU telling THEM when "enough is enough.” Take a big step back to look at what happened. Did you do something they asked you not to? Did you lie, cheat or steal? Did you do something you knew would disappoint or embarrass them? If your friends did the same thing to you, would you be mad? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes" all you can do is sit back and do everything you can think of to show them you are sorry and that you won't risk losing their trust again.


To get things back on track with your friends the first thing you need to do is stop trying to control the healing process. As I said before, you don't get to set the terms. You need to accept their anger and fighting them on it is not accepting it. Second, while you do everything you can to show your friends they can trust you again, try to understand that they are the injured party and that they are under no obligation to accept your gestures of good will. See it from their perspective: you have done something to destroy trust and now that they are mad you are suddenly a perfect angel – would you be in any hurry to go back to the way things were if you were in their place?


If things are really unbearable for you, try to initiate a conversation so that they know how you feel. Make sure that the reason you are sorry is that you lost their trust. Tell them you know you screwed up and did a bad thing. Let them know that you are sorry and that you will do whatever it takes to fix things. Tell them that you are feeling in limbo because they have not given you any indication about what they need from you in order to even try to trust you again. Then sit back and be prepared to listen to a bunch of stuff you won't like hearing. Don't get defensive and don't turn things into a fight. You damaged the trust here and you are the one who needs to deal with the fallout. Don't expect them to rush to closure in order to make you happier. You can't force trust, trying to may make it disappear forever.


If you've got a burning question, need some love advice or find yourself thinking about things like sex, depression, self-esteem, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bullying or peer pressure, don't hesitate to Dish-It here. Send your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com. And if you hang out in the chat rooms with other Kidzworld members who know you by your username, just send in your secret question using a different nickname if you want to stay anonymous – we promise that no one will ever know it's you. Remember: Dish-It gets a load of letters every day so it may take a while to reply to yours. Keep checking back for her reply, or watch for answered Dish-It questions that are similar to your own.


More Dish-It Advice:

  • My Parents Made Us Break Up
  • How Do I Get Over Being Cheated On?
  • How Do I Ask?
  • Am I In Love?
  • >
    >

    readers voted!

    Comments

    BE_Jay_Prince

    BE_Jay_Prince wrote:

    I lost my best friend over some girls , I hate knowing someone is right for u then they...
    commented: Tue Jul 08, 2014

    obey_female

    obey_female wrote:

    nun nevaeh
    commented: Fri Dec 28, 2012

    miss ray

    miss ray wrote:

    you just dont kno wat
    commented: Fri Dec 28, 2012

    there are 8 more comments

    Please login or register to add comments


    like this article?
    Sign up now to get more just like!

    latest videos

    Poll

    Best Thing About a Virtual Friend?

    • They don't gossip.
    • You can make them do what you want.
    • They won't try to steal your boyfriend.
    • You can always turn them off.

    related stories

    I think my best friend has been stealing from me secretly. Every time she spends a night and leav...

    Dear Dish-It in the forums

    Wuwu2cute
    Wuwu2cute posted in Style:
    Thank you : )
    reply about 2 hours
    Jelly3
    Jelly3 posted in Style:
    Hi, I'm not really into fashion but I can tell you one thing. You can just dress normally, just the way you like! It doesn't matter whether you're a teenager or not. It's also really important to you feel comfortable in your clothes. Remember, your clothing won't define you! :D 
    reply about 3 hours
    Bonnie2
    Bonnie2 posted in Style:
    Okay, so my hair isn't the 'best'. I have 'West Indian' Hair (it's naturally curly) and I have to use loads of products to make it nice when I'm straightening my hair. It then dries and all the softness and grease has gone ( :-( ). That's the annoying part. I would like a few nice, easy hairstyles that will look nice with my West Indian hair (that's all spiky and spidery when it's been straightened) even if it's as simple as peeling an orange! Anything would help! 
    reply about 3 hours
    Wuwu2cute
    Wuwu2cute posted in Style:
    I am a teenage girl, so I'm either supposed to dress colorful or just fully goth. I want to dress grunge. Basically 90's street kinda. My mom gets mad at my cause she doesn't want me dressing all black, I told her that's not what grunge is. So, I am dressing pretty grunge, but I need ideas on hair styles and makeup for this style.
    reply about 3 hours
    Wuwu2cute
    Wuwu2cute posted in Friends:
    Ok, so I have a Best Friend, I used to have 2, but one moved away and won't text me, and the other still "acts" like my best friend, but here is the problem. When I do stuff with other people, it offends her, when I don't reply to her text real quick, in her mind, im ignoring her. IT'S ALSO STARTING TO GET ANNOYING CAUSE SHE COPIES ME. She copied my halloween costume, i was gonna be a character off of american horror story. If i don't share my music with her, she says sharing is caring and she walks off.   Now I understand that this might be social and anxiety issues and she needs somebody to cling onto. But I'm just tired of trying. I need advice : (
    reply about 3 hours

    play online games

    Candy-100

    A great online version of the famous Candy Crush. This is the best game launched...

    Big_icon_(7)

    Have you ever fancied being a ranger like those fantasy characters you love so m...

    Big_icon_(4)

    You run across the city in a car chase with the police officers.

    Big_icon_(6)

    The evil master kidnapped all of your friends!

    Ow_fright_ad_100x100

    Explore the world or hang out with friends in your own condo. Get a unique look,...