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Dear Dish-It: I Lost My Friends' Trust

Broken Trust Needs Time To Rebuild

Dear Dish-It,


I have this problem. I did something very wrong and even though I tried to cover it up at first I later accepted everything and told everyone sorry. That happened three months ago. Lately, I have been noticing that a friend of mine has been behaving strangely. She doesn’t talk to me much, she's not that friendly … I think my friends have a low opinion of me now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my friends to be against me.


Stuck up in corner


Dear SUIC,


Trust is a funny thing. For the most part it is freely given but once it is lost regaining it can be costly both emotionally and physically. Rebuilding trust once it has been damaged or lost is no easy task. It is not easy for the people who have been let down and it is certainly not easy (nor should it be) for the person who damaged it to begin with.


You say that it has been 3 months since you lost your friends’ trust. Three months is not a lot of time and it isn't really reasonable for you to expect them to be "back to normal.” It may take more time to earn it back. It is hard to accept but as the "trust-breaker" you don't get to set the timeline for fixing things. In fact, you don't get much say in anything that pertains to whether or not they will ever trust you again. Chances are that they will come to trust you again but it won't be on your terms.


Your best course of action may be to "grin and bear it.” If your friends have every good reason on earth to feel the way they do the very last thing that will regain their trust is YOU telling THEM when "enough is enough.” Take a big step back to look at what happened. Did you do something they asked you not to? Did you lie, cheat or steal? Did you do something you knew would disappoint or embarrass them? If your friends did the same thing to you, would you be mad? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes" all you can do is sit back and do everything you can think of to show them you are sorry and that you won't risk losing their trust again.


To get things back on track with your friends the first thing you need to do is stop trying to control the healing process. As I said before, you don't get to set the terms. You need to accept their anger and fighting them on it is not accepting it. Second, while you do everything you can to show your friends they can trust you again, try to understand that they are the injured party and that they are under no obligation to accept your gestures of good will. See it from their perspective: you have done something to destroy trust and now that they are mad you are suddenly a perfect angel – would you be in any hurry to go back to the way things were if you were in their place?


If things are really unbearable for you, try to initiate a conversation so that they know how you feel. Make sure that the reason you are sorry is that you lost their trust. Tell them you know you screwed up and did a bad thing. Let them know that you are sorry and that you will do whatever it takes to fix things. Tell them that you are feeling in limbo because they have not given you any indication about what they need from you in order to even try to trust you again. Then sit back and be prepared to listen to a bunch of stuff you won't like hearing. Don't get defensive and don't turn things into a fight. You damaged the trust here and you are the one who needs to deal with the fallout. Don't expect them to rush to closure in order to make you happier. You can't force trust, trying to may make it disappear forever.


If you've got a burning question, need some love advice or find yourself thinking about things like sex, depression, self-esteem, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bullying or peer pressure, don't hesitate to Dish-It here. Send your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com. And if you hang out in the chat rooms with other Kidzworld members who know you by your username, just send in your secret question using a different nickname if you want to stay anonymous – we promise that no one will ever know it's you. Remember: Dish-It gets a load of letters every day so it may take a while to reply to yours. Keep checking back for her reply, or watch for answered Dish-It questions that are similar to your own.


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    Comments

    BE_Jay_Prince

    BE_Jay_Prince wrote:

    I lost my best friend over some girls , I hate knowing someone is right for u then they...
    commented: Tue Jul 08, 2014

    obey_female

    obey_female wrote:

    nun nevaeh
    commented: Fri Dec 28, 2012

    miss ray

    miss ray wrote:

    you just dont kno wat
    commented: Fri Dec 28, 2012

    there are 8 more comments

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    BadwolfDW
    BadwolfDW posted in Friends:
    So i  agree with miley15 i think you guys should all meet up and tell them they can't leave or interrupt each other untill the issue is resolved let girl 2 know that the more she askes the less girl 1 will want to be her friend , also tell girl 1 that she shouldn't just run away.  Girl 1 is trying to be friends with girl2 but  i mean they dont need to bff's but they should not make a big deal of each other. 
    reply about 16 hours
    sugarpetals
    my parents would be around 7
    reply about 18 hours
    Pink_Kitty
    My parents are very lenient about chores and messing around but they are NOT lenient at all about lying, respect, homework or safety stuff.
    reply about 18 hours
    miley15
    miley15 posted in Friends:
    ahaaaa...that's sorta confusing and annoying at the same time...but don't u think if they were really your friends they would listen to u? if they are really interested in being friend with u so tell em that u cannot stand this situation anymore and ask them politely but firmly to try to understand each other...or ur friendship will be ruined...i'm sure talking always solves any problems...
    reply about 18 hours
    avatar-me
    avatar-me posted in Friends:
    Ok here's what's going on. Girl1 (my best friend) can't stand girl2 (my other friend). And girl2 wants to be friends with girl1 but girl1 doesn't want to be friends with girl2. And girl2 keeps messaging girl1 and girl1 keeps telling her she doesn't want to be her friend. got you confused yet?  So this is what is making me write this. My best friend said that if I keep hanging around my other friend she will try to be nice. But every time those two are in the same place girl2 asks girl1 why they can't be friends and that just sets girl1 off. And then I have to stop it. I love how my best friend is willing to hang around my other friend for me but I hate how my other friend won't stop bringing up why the two of them can't be friends. No matter how much girl1 and I tell her that girl1 doesn't want to be her friend she keeps asking. I like hanging out with both of them but not at the same time and when I hang out with one and not the other they ask why and I spending more time with the other one then with them. I can't take it anymore!!!  Please help me me before I loose it,              avatar-me
    reply about 18 hours

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