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Dear Dish-It: I Lost My Friends' Trust

Dear Dish-It,


I have this problem. I did something very wrong and even though I tried to cover it up at first I later accepted everything and told everyone sorry. That happened three months ago. Lately, I have been noticing that a friend of mine has been behaving strangely. She doesn’t talk to me much, she's not that friendly … I think my friends have a low opinion of me now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my friends to be against me.


Stuck up in corner


Dear SUIC,


Trust is a funny thing. For the most part it is freely given but once it is lost regaining it can be costly both emotionally and physically. Rebuilding trust once it has been damaged or lost is no easy task. It is not easy for the people who have been let down and it is certainly not easy (nor should it be) for the person who damaged it to begin with.


You say that it has been 3 months since you lost your friends’ trust. Three months is not a lot of time and it isn't really reasonable for you to expect them to be "back to normal.” It may take more time to earn it back. It is hard to accept but as the "trust-breaker" you don't get to set the timeline for fixing things. In fact, you don't get much say in anything that pertains to whether or not they will ever trust you again. Chances are that they will come to trust you again but it won't be on your terms.


Your best course of action may be to "grin and bear it.” If your friends have every good reason on earth to feel the way they do the very last thing that will regain their trust is YOU telling THEM when "enough is enough.” Take a big step back to look at what happened. Did you do something they asked you not to? Did you lie, cheat or steal? Did you do something you knew would disappoint or embarrass them? If your friends did the same thing to you, would you be mad? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes" all you can do is sit back and do everything you can think of to show them you are sorry and that you won't risk losing their trust again.


To get things back on track with your friends the first thing you need to do is stop trying to control the healing process. As I said before, you don't get to set the terms. You need to accept their anger and fighting them on it is not accepting it. Second, while you do everything you can to show your friends they can trust you again, try to understand that they are the injured party and that they are under no obligation to accept your gestures of good will. See it from their perspective: you have done something to destroy trust and now that they are mad you are suddenly a perfect angel – would you be in any hurry to go back to the way things were if you were in their place?


If things are really unbearable for you, try to initiate a conversation so that they know how you feel. Make sure that the reason you are sorry is that you lost their trust. Tell them you know you screwed up and did a bad thing. Let them know that you are sorry and that you will do whatever it takes to fix things. Tell them that you are feeling in limbo because they have not given you any indication about what they need from you in order to even try to trust you again. Then sit back and be prepared to listen to a bunch of stuff you won't like hearing. Don't get defensive and don't turn things into a fight. You damaged the trust here and you are the one who needs to deal with the fallout. Don't expect them to rush to closure in order to make you happier. You can't force trust, trying to may make it disappear forever.


If you've got a burning question, need some love advice or find yourself thinking about things like sex, depression, self-esteem, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bullying or peer pressure, don't hesitate to Dish-It here. Send your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com. And if you hang out in the chat rooms with other Kidzworld members who know you by your username, just send in your secret question using a different nickname if you want to stay anonymous – we promise that no one will ever know it's you. Remember: Dish-It gets a load of letters every day so it may take a while to reply to yours. Keep checking back for her reply, or watch for answered Dish-It questions that are similar to your own.


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    Dear Dish-It In The Forums

    rainbowpoptart
    Yes, purely for the fact that you should not "hate" your sister (or anyone, for that matter).  I'm guessing by "get in trouble for her", you mean she does something wrong and the blame is all put on you? Yeah, little siblings tend to do that a lot. My brother did for the longest time, until my parents found out how much a liar he is. She, hopefully, will grow out of this eventually. Either that, or your parent[s]/guardian[s] will eventually see through her. You lose your friends to her? By this do you mean your friends want to hang out with her and they want you to tag along and you don't? Or do you mean your friends chose your sister over you? If it's the latter, then perhaps you shouldn't have ever referred to those people as friends. You'll find friends who'll prefer you over your sister, I'm sure of it. The only thing I can tell you to do is try to get along with your sister. Every group of siblings has their cats and dogs moment in life, but they grow out of it (most of the time; there are, of course, circumstances where it doesn't work out that way). Please be grateful for your sister, even if you two fight a lot. You never know how much you need something until it's gone.
    reply about 14 hours
    liddielover
    i hate my little sister because i get introuble for her and lose my friends to her.is that wrong?
    reply about 15 hours
    skylar245
    skylar245 posted in Friends:
    "rainbowpoptart" wrote: "skylar245" wrote: Teacher said to wait for the Bus Driver and the counselor, she just talks to me and doesn't tell The Princible Then maybe try telling the principal yourself, and you should also report that the driver, teacher, and counselor haven't done anything to help you. If that fails, tell another trusted adult, like your mother. I'm sure someone you're close to would do their best to get justice. This is a major problem and it's a shame no one's done anything to help. ​No one listens to me anyway but my friends
    reply 2 days
    rainbowpoptart
    rainbowpoptart posted in Friends:
    "skylar245" wrote:Teacher said to wait for the Bus Driver and the counselor, she just talks to me and doesn't tell The Princible Then maybe try telling the principal yourself, and you should also report that the driver, teacher, and counselor haven't done anything to help you. If that fails, tell another trusted adult, like your mother. I'm sure someone you're close to would do their best to get justice. This is a major problem and it's a shame no one's done anything to help.
    reply 2 days
    skylar245
    skylar245 posted in Friends:
    "rainbowpoptart" wrote: "skylar245" wrote: My bus driver does NOTHING about it EVEN IF HE SEE'S IT! he only wrote the two girls up but not the girl that hit me Then report them to a teacher or the school counselor. Behaviour like that is not acceptable in the slightest. ​Teacher said to wait for the Bus Driver and the counselor, she just talks to me and doesn't tell The Princible
    reply 2 days