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Advice from Dear Dish-It on Interpersonal Relationships

May 23, 2017

Problems with loved ones bring us a lot of stress. When things are not okay with the people who count, it can be very damaging to you. Sometimes we need something to change, sometimes we need a lot of things to change, and sometimes we just need closure from the things and people who have hurt us. Today on Dear Dish-It’s “Let’s Talk About it Tuesday”, we are going to look at issues with interpersonal relationships, with a focus on family and friends.

Let’s Take a Look at This Week’s Questions:

Don't Think That You Have To Suffer Alone.Don't Think That You Have To Suffer Alone.

Question by In Mourning

Dear Dish-it, my best friend killed himself in February of this year, and I never got to tell him I fell in love with him (yeah, cheesy, I know). What's more, even the tiniest memory of us sends me into an ocean's worth of sobbing, which embarrasses me to no end. How do I stop myself from embarrassing myself every time a memory of him comes up?

Insight/Advice:

There is nothing cheesy or embarrassing about any of this. In fact, it is tragic, and I am very sorry for your loss. What you’re experiencing is grief, and it is 100% normal, but you need support and shouldn’t have to grieve alone or in silence. You don’t have to stop yourself from doing anything. All your reactions are normal, just don’t feel like you have to hurt alone. Reach out to others, talk to your counselor, depending on where you live there are grief groups and grief coaches there to help. There are also online platforms built to help you overcome grief. You're not alone in how you feel, so don't beat yourself up, there is a lot of support out there. Sounds like you are really struggling because you didn't get closure with your friend, but there are trained professionals who will help you get there. 

Question by Clockwork

My grandma’s boyfriend is always yelling at me. How do keep my happiness when everyday I get yelled at for nothing? what do I do? need help.

Insight/Advice:

Yelling is an abusive behavior, which he needs to stop and which you do not need to be around. Does he say rude and hurtful things? I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this, it can't be good for your self-esteem, but just know that you are in the right and he is in the wrong. I would try and tell someone as soon as possible. If nothing changes, I would express that you don’t want to be around them. Why put yourself in a negative place? You need to protect yourself.Tell your parents what is going on, your safety is number one in this situation. 

Do What You Can to Resolve Matters With The People Who Matter.Do What You Can to Resolve Matters With The People Who Matter.

Question by That Kid

Okay.. So I recently found out that my uncle left. Not like on a vacation, he just packed up and left. He left because he doesn't want a family anymore. And I think it might also be because my mom and aunt (his "ex" wife) were into it REALLY bad. My whole family is constantly at each other’s throats. My sisters are constantly arguing, my mom ignores us, and my grandparents are constantly complaining about each other. This is driving me crazy. I just want my family back, but I'm just a kid so I can't do anything. Please help me ASAP. I'd really appreciate it, thanks

Insight/Advice:

Sounds like a whole lot of chaos that you can't wrap your head around. Unfortunately, we cannot control what others do. We can tell them how we feel and hope for change, but we have no control over how they are going to be towards us. What you can control is you, and when things get really hectic, find a safe space that you can be in. Try to get away from all the yelling because it is having a negative impact on you. Try to protect yourself from what’s affecting you in such a negative way. In a perfect world, we all get along, but that’s not the reality, just as long as you know that none of this is your fault and that it is not up to you to fix it all. All you can do is plant seeds and hope that your family listens. No chance of getting out a group family message? If they knew how bad it is affecting you then maybe they would try to work on it? Also, consider these fives things you can do to build a happier life for yourself.

Pick The Right Time to Talk About Matters.Pick The Right Time to Talk About Matters.

Question by nerd-with-heart

I fell like a worthless loser. I am always slipping up, and I feel like I can't do anything right. Because I let someone help me do something wrong, I got her in trouble. I sometimes wish I was someone else, then maybe I could do the right thing. Even though I'm targeted in my class for my headscarf, it still doesn't fell half as bad as I feel when I tell my mom another one of my mistakes. I know that I am too lucky to complain, but between my dad (who scares and threatens me) to school, to my sense that I'm not doing what I have to, too the times I feel like I'm a stupid, self-centered, disappointment. Since I started feeling like this, my grades have dropped, making it worse. One time it got so bad at home that when my dad told me to leave, I took my packed backpack and left. I only came back because my mom was at work, and devastating her like that wasn't worth it. How do I fix myself?

Insight/Advice:

Firstly, you are not a worthless loser, don't ever put yourself down like that! It sounds to Dear Dish-It that you are very unhappy. School can be a tough place to achieve especially when you’re facing so much family pressure. I feel like the relationship with your dad needs improvement and that he puts too much pressure on you. He makes you fear him, and this is not healthy for you. You have to find ways for you to be happy despite what is around you. You need to fight for your existence. If they laugh at you because of your scarf, let it strengthen you. Don’t let people get you down, be wiser than them, expect them to act poorly and have a better disposition about it all.You'll eventually pull through, as long as you remain true to yourself and the goodness that is in your heart. 

Question by Bugaboo

Who do I go to if my 9-year-old cousin is hitting me and trying to hurt me when my parents won't listen to me or do anything about it?

Insight/Advice:

You need to talk to someone who will listen to you as soon as possible. Go outside your family, go to your school, do whatever you have to do get heard and acknowledged. In the meantime, don’t spend time with him, tell your mom that she can refuse to believe you, but she can’t make you spend time with him when he is this way. You need to protect your safety and spend time with people who make you feel safe and secure. Abuse is never okay, at any age and you shouldn't have to be subjected to it. 

It Hurts Us When The People We Value Most Turn On Us.It Hurts Us When The People We Value Most Turn On Us.

Afterthoughts

It is so important that we are getting properly treated by the people who are supposed to care about us. Nothing is more wrong or more hurtful than a loved one trying to hurt you. The people who matter the most should make you feel cherished and safe. You should feel confident about their love and not afraid of it. Love doesn’t mean that you live in fear, but loving yourself means you refuse to subject yourself to the darkness and do what you can to avoid these aspects of your life. Instead, you are going to try to focus on what and who is making you happy. You are going to focus on the good because that’s what we value the most in life. Just remember that everybody changes and so does everything, so even if things seem a certain way for now, it doesn’t mean they always will be that way. You can change how you experience simply by changing how you feel about it. You will be the most effective when you are plotting ways to improve your life and keep yourself away from risk. Want to learn about an easy tool that can help you, check out our article on “wise mind”, and see if it brings you any additional insight.

In a Perfect World We Would Always Be Happy and Get Along With Everyone.In a Perfect World We Would Always Be Happy and Get Along With Everyone.

Interested in getting in touch with Dear Dish-It? Simply email deardish@kidzworld.com with your concern, and we will address you on “Let’s Talk about it Tuesday” if your question is suitable for our topic of conversation. Regardless, keep your eyes peeled as Dear Dish-It it is covering a lot of issues, and you never know when your question or topic of concern will be featured in an article. Please let us know if you would like your handle to be listed as anonymous and list your age in your question if you would like as that can impact advice. To learn the Do's and Don'ts of Dear Dish-It and to find out what kind of questions are appropriate, check out this article!

Have Your Say

How can you make sure that your relationships are safe? What kinds of things matter to you in a relationship?

 

4 Comments

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Do You Get Along With Your Family?

  • Yeah, we're totally tight.
  • We get along well, but sometimes they're annoying.
  • I try to avoid them as much as possible.
  • No, I can't stand my family.

Dear Dish-It In The Forums

KayKayZ
KayKayZ posted in Friends:
Hmm, okay, well I'll try to give you the best advice that I can, Error. So you say you don't like your friend for a number of reasons: Liar, bad influence, uses swear words, too blunt, etc. I feel like some of these could be over-looked, such as the swearing and the 'bad influence' part. Really, all you have to do is just not copy her actions, and they won't be influential at all. If you disagree, it shouldn't be hard to just refuse to follow in her steps. However, lying isn't the best quality I would look for in a friend.  She doesn't seem like an enjoyable person to be around in general, which is why you are making this post, obviously. But I'm gonna ask you something here. Don't you think that, in a way, you're lying too? You're pretending to be her friend solely for purposes of monetary value because, I assume, your family cannot pay for or get you to gymnastic class themselves. If this is true, that's kind of bad, isn't it? It sounds like, to me, that your friendship isn't exactly a healthy relationship at all. But I'm gonna sympathize with you, since I know gymnastics must be important to you, and you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't have a good reason. So, what should you do about it? Well, personally I think there are a few things you could do. You could stop being her friend, therefore no longer having to deal with her; but in the process lose access to your gymnastics class and have to look for it in another way. On the flip side, you could continue to put up with her, which would probably not be in your best interests, but you'd still get to attend your class. Or, you could try talking to her about it. Ask her what she really thinks of your friendship, if she actually values you as her friend. Maybe you two can talk about problems that you're having with each other and work on fixing them. This option could have negative effects, since she might want to stop being your friend or things could become very awkward after that. But it's probably your best bet to be honest with her, as you'd hope she would be with you. How about if you tried being really nice to her? Kindness is contagious, and perhaps if you treat her well enough, she'll start doing the same to you. I feel like maybe if you complimented her, told her things that you really like about her, maybe even got her gifts or made her food once in a while, that she would come to appreciate you and all that you do for her. And in turn, she might start to respect you more herself, and become a good friend. That's about all I can say. If you're close enough with her mom, maybe you could even try asking her about her daughter and see if she can give you any advice. Hopefully that helped in some way, but if it didn't, maybe it at least made you think? I hope your problem gets resolved, Error, and you can be content with the outcome of it. :-)
reply 2 days
Error101
Error101 posted in Friends:
Okay so I have this friend and I don't like the type of person she is and I wouldn't be friends with her but her mom takes me to gymnastics every week.  I  had her over to spend the night and she lied about everything to me.  She kept telling me that she used to think I was weird and she didn't like me and it kind of hurt my feelings...  I would never tell someone that even if it was true.  She cusses and is a bad influence and she lies a ton.  There are a ton of bad qualities about her, and very few good ones.  I can't be mean to her because she is how I get to gymnastics but I don't really want to be her friend.  What should I do?  :(
reply 2 days
Wonderfulcalico
My parents have always been aggressive and abusive and I only just noticed it a couple months ago. Over time they've gotten worse (specifically my mother). Whenever she gets mad she'll yell at us and if she gets mad enough she'll hit and push us around. Whoever we get into arguments it's always one- sided and she always wins, even if she knows she is wrong. An argument we had not to long ago was about me not taking care of myself. She looked at my hair and started to touch it and told me "Your hair isn't soft why is it so dry, it's probably because you aren't taking care of your hair." Then she goes on to tell me that she's going to cut it and all of this other stuff when she knows I'm conscious about me looking like a boy ( Used to get called a boy for having short hair). As the argument goes on, I start to tell her things that she knows she is wrong about. She proceeds to yell at me then grabs me by the face and say "If you don't lower your tone and listen to what I'm saying I'm going to knock you in the head." Then she goes on to tell me she remembers nothing I was saying and that it's a lie. She also hit me when I didn't clean the laundry room correctly and whenever she gets fed up. I'm constantly having to watch what I say and do, because I'm scared that I'm going to end up hurt. She also likes to degrade me and tell how bad I'm doing. She's said plenty of thing like when I didn't have my bed covers tucked in she yelled at me and hit me and I said "Do you expect me to just stand here and take this", and she replied saying "That's what you are supposed to do you are the child and I am the adult, you take whatever I do until I'm done." Another time is when I had my band concert and I had to pick out the right attire. When we went shopping to get the clothing I chose slacks when she liked a skirt better, we went on to fight in the store and she bought the slacks. When we got home she said to me that real girls wear skirts and dresses and boys wear slacks and pants. This hurt me because she knows I have a past with people telling me I look like a boy etc. Another time I started to sleep on the floor, because I was practicing a minimalist life. When I left my pillows on the floor she found it and questioned me on why they were there. I told her it fell of my bed when really I left it there. Later when I told my dad, he told her and she got mad because I was getting cat hair on my pillows. She then proceeded to ask why I lied and I told her sometimes lying is better then the truth (I knew she would get mad that I was sleeping on the floor so I lied) then she told me that I was never going to have a relationship, a job, or friends ( This hurt me because I don't have friends now). She's also said that I don't take care of my body because I ate two sweets in one day which lead her to banning me from Doritos and now I have to ask to get chips and any other snack. She's told me I don't take care of my teeth because I have yellow spots from using whitening toothpaste with braces on. She's told me I don't take care of my hair so I can't wash it or do any hair style or then a bun. She had lead me to starving myself (Unless she makes me eat) and cutting myself. I've just stopped caring, because what ever I do is always wrong. I never get a choice in my activities, she controls my life in fact she me just in a different body. But what is even worse is that she's turning my dad into her. Now I have a scheduled time to eat breakfast and lunch, and to go onto my electronics. I feel like I'm in a prison with my parents constantly watching over me, in fact yesterday when I was pouring my milk my mom got out a measuring cup and poured my milk into the measuring cup and said "Why isn't this a full cup" and I replied saying "Because I don't measure my milk." Then she got angry at me. There's so much I could say about her, but I'll stop. Anyways my father is always sarcastic and he doesn't realize how much it hurts me. Today I was cleaning out my bag for next school year and my dad came in and said, "Wow, you aren't even dress yet and I had to come up here to tell you how sad." Just little things like that hurt me. My little sister got mad at me last week for sitting in a certain area and she said " Why are you sitting there," and I didn't reply because I didn't want to speak to her and she then said, "Probably because you are too stupid to answer." I wanted to break down crying then and there, but I kept it in. I've limited my talking to her, because all she does is break me down. Like when there was a Proactive commercial and she said, "Ha, you need that." That hurt me because just the other my mom was telling me how I don't take care of my face and that's why I have acne. My older sister and I barely talk, because whenever I try to talk to her she's mad for what ever reason and when my parents were talking about hitting my sister she was in the corner laughing. My cat Preston is very young and I got hi,abo a year ago. I get very sad and often cry, because I've seen him turn out scared and aggressive just like me because he's been through what I have. One time he pooped in a clothes basket (It's right next to his litter box) my mom grabbed him by the neck and hit him while she smothered his face in his poop, all while yelling at him. I was going to call the Animal Protective Services, but I got too scared and I realized how lonely I would be. Please help me I'm not sure what to do anymore. Also sorry for the very long post!
reply 5 days
Error101
Error101 posted in Family Issues:
Dear Kkmr324, I hope you get to feeling better as time goes on.  It does get better but like you said you can't actually get over it.  Losing someone to cancer is awful and I have never lost a friend and I hope I never will and I am so sorry that you did, but I have lost family to cancer and it is horrible.  I hope your okay. :(
reply 7 days
Kkrmr324
Kkrmr324 posted in Family Issues:
A few months ago,my friend Kendall died of cancer. It was really hard to "get over it"; because really you dont just get over it. One thing i did was find a bunch of pictures of me and Kendall and remembered all the fun we had together. And it helped! I still miss her, but good friends and family helped with that.
reply 9 days